Janus
by zebrahater
Summary: Follows Shepard's struggle with resurrection and how that affects his aquaintances and possibly the fate of the galaxy. A dark take on the Shepard character. MShep/Ash and others. Torture, sex, violence, more to come. I did warn you it was dark, right?
1. Chapter 1: In Somno

**A/N: This is intended as a much lenger story but I thought I'd get the first chapter up to see if there's any interest or if it should remain locked within my head. This will be a very dark take on Shepard's human weaknesses and his failures. First chapter isn't too bad but if I continue it will get there. I figure there are enough wonderful stories of a heroic Shepard on this site that only by going this route could I achieve something new. This is my first fanfic piece, hell my first non-research based writing, as I'm a history major attempting something new so constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. BTW the title is in Latin for no good reason other than I'll be damned if I let my classical education be completely useless.**

**Oh yeah, I don't own Bioware, Mass Effect, the characters, or even Milwaukee's Best; so no lawsuits please. This chapter will be rated T for language, expect the rating to skyrocket for all sorts of vile and disturbing reasons soon. Also this story will deviate slightly from the chronology of the games as far as the order in which some characters are recruited and certain missions happen, but nothing game changing. **

**And finally just to avoid any potential confusion italics are dreams, flashbacks, etc.**

IN SOMNO

"Wake up Commander." _Fuck, not again._

"Shepard do you hear me? You need to get out of bed now, this facility is under attack." _No, not again._

Shepard your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving, this facility is under attack." _Shit that hurts, it always hurts._

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room." _So what, I'm sure someone else wants it._

"Hurry!" _Shut up, harpy._

"Grab the pistol and armour from the locker." _Can't make me._

"You don't have time to wait around Shepard! Grab your weapon and armour." _Damn, apparently she can._

Lurching upright with an agonized grunt and stumbling forward through the haze of pain which penetrated the nice warmth of his potent cocktail of painkillers Commander Shepard approached the familiar weapons locker yet again.

And woke up.

A timid shaking of his shoulder brought him crashing into consciousness. Cursing loudly Shepard bolted upright only to have his head impact something that, despite Garrus' jokes to the contrary, was clearly able to be both harder and denser than Shepard's skull.

"Oh, take it easy, slow down. Are you okay? Keelah, you're bleeding! Where's Dr. Chakwas? No, no don't sit up. Why are you down there, what's wrong, can I help? Hold still."

Piercing the Commander's concussed state the accented words of Tali and her hands restraining him bought Shepard a moment to compose himself. Groaning Shepard came fully awake and was greeted by the all too familiar emotions which were now his constant companions; that complimentary pair despair and anger.

Eyes snapping open Shepard directed the inferno of his gaze towards the masked Quarian who jerked away upon seeing the fury roiling behind Shepard's eyes, his harsh countenance burning away the rest of her nervous babble. Extricating himself from underneath the caf table Shepard struggled upright being greeted with renewed pain for his trouble as a headrush of blood with a wave of nausea on hard on its heels made their presences felt. Jolted out of her momentary paralysis Tali rushed forward to steady his wavering attempt at standing.

"No."

* * *

The command halted her in mid step as Shepard pulled away lurching towards the elevator leaving Tali behind wringing her hands as she watched his retreating form stumble before catching itself on the bulkhead.

"How did he end up under the table having a nightmare? Keelah, where did this come from? I need to help him but he won't let me. Damn Ashley this is her fault and she isn't even here to fix the mess. What is wrong with Shepard?"

Speaking aloud to the now empty mess Tali struggled to work through this new side of Shepard which had recently emerged. At least it seemed like an empty mess though this illusion was shattered as the omnipresent AI voiced her two cents worth. Tali stiffened in automatic alarm upon hearing the disembodied, emotionless inflection of EDI cut through the echoing silence of the Normandy.

"As a part of my function in liaising between Mr. Gardner and Dr. Chakwas to ensure optimum crew nutrition it has come to my attention that 63.73 percent of Commander Shepard's caloric intake since away mission H1526 is derived from ryncol and Milwaukee's Best."

After pausing for a moment to remember what Shepard had said Milwaukee's Best was, and then several more seconds to imagine why anyone would willingly drink something that vile, Tali realized a crisis had been reached and Shepard did not seem capable of solving this one on his own. She would do anything the help the man who had befriended her but did not know what she could do to help. Perhaps Garrus could help her.

Approaching the door to the weapons bay Tali paused upon hearing a noise that managed to penetrate the thick metal barrier. "Tell me who forged his documents." shouted the distinctive echoing tones of a Turian's voice, one Tali recognized as Garrus' though it somehow simultaneously possessed a frantic quality completely alien to the typically composed nature of Garrus' speech. Curious Tali pressed her helmet to the door, as if any Quarian could resist something so potentially juicy on her ship. Soon she heard Garrus continue talking into his FTL communicator.

"Does 1347 Kaffa Ward mean anything to you?...Exactly, and I'll kill them both after having my way with them unless you tell me now…Fade, you don't say, thank you for your cooperation. Oh, and if I found them others could as well, you might want to find a better location for your daughters."

Stifling a gasp Tali ran back to her station on the engineering deck hoping work would distract her from Garrus' horrifying pronouncement and Shepard's changing behavior. The realization hit her, with Garrus having his own demons he could provide no help for Shepard. Tali was on her own. She didn't know if she could succeed, it had always been Shepard who fixed her mistakes starting with the ambush by Chora's Den until as recently as Haestrom, now she had to fix his mistakes without him as her safety net.

* * *

Gunfire rang out exploding an oddly picturesque white picket fence into a pile of not so picturesque toothpicks. Apparently the murderer of innocent fences was far from sated as a grenade arced through the sky landing perfectly in the fence's accompanying mailbox before the explosion reduced it to scrap. A figure appeared through the smoke laughing maniacally at the oddness of finding such a clichéd piece of domesticity as a picket fence and mailbox on the devastated far-flung colony. The laughter turned into anguished sobs as the figure slumped down drawing its knees up to its chest and rocking back and forth next to the remains of the mailbox.

"God damn it. God damn him. Why…how, no, no, no."

Ashley Williams rocked herself slowly as the events of the day caught up to her, first the loss of the colonists, then the reappearance of Him. Her initial disbelief had given way to joy before realizing that his survival confirmed the reports of Cerberus involvement. Looking over his squad members Ashley had been dumbfounded by the variety of maladjusted soldiers Shepard had yoked himself to, especially that busty Cerberus bitch who unflinchingly gazed back at her making no effort to hide her disdain for the Alliance marine. After hearing Shepard admit to working with Cerberus Ashley's last, desperate hope failed and Chief Williams turned away leaving the scarred Cerberus facsimile of her Shepard behind.

William's comm came alive with chatter demanding she report in, demands that were ignored in favor of renewed sobs which racked her body. Eventually Operations Chief Williams won out over Ashley Williams as she reluctantly stood and activated her comm., prepared to do her duty.

"SSV Mohács, this is Op Chief Williams, confirm presence of John Shepard and Cerberus on Horizon, intentions did not appear hostile. Will begin aiding surviving colonists until evac arrives."

"Op Chief Williams, this is SSV Mohács CIC. Acknowledge message, will land at grid X13Y6 in 25 minutes."

Half an hour later Chief Williams boarded the Mohács heading straight for her sleeper pod. Not because she was tired, or would even be able to sleep, but rather to simply delay the necessary task of writing her report about Horizon. Ignoring the curious gazes of several marines and sailors Operations Chief Williams managed to make it to the pod before breaking down and letting Ashley take over as her memories overtook her.

_The stars flickered through the atmospheric haze as Shepard and Ashley settled themselves onto a bench that overlooked the Danube from atop Szent Gellért Hill. The lights from Buda hill and the Chain Bridge reflected off the swollen course of the river. The peace was shattered by the wail of a siren as a police boat filled with refugees emerged from the Pest side of the city overloaded with refugees heading for the high ground provided by Buda hill whose palaces had been turned into refugee camps._

_"Not exactly how I pictured our first leave Skipper, but I suppose it will do." Ash jokingly complained as she nestled closer the Shepard's side resting her head on his shoulder._

_"Yeah, still it is a beautiful city, at least what can be seen above water. And it's better than Ramstien, never found military bases conducive to 'mood setting'. All things considered not a bad emergency to interrupt our leave. And its cheaper than that resort in the Riviera I had planned on taking you to." responded Shepard._

_"Always the optimist aren't you Skipper."_

_"I hope so."_

* * *

With a slight sigh, the only outward sign of her exhaustion, Miranda forwarded her weekly report to the Illusive Man. For the first time since Shepard's revival Miranda's task as the Illusive Man's official spy seemed important, this latest report was far different from her previous ones. Those had been full of both statistically concrete and abstract personal observations as to the effectiveness of Shepard's command and his apparently successful resurrection. Report H1526 was far different.

What initially had been a routinely excellent performance for Shepard, easily exceeding operational parameters as well as medical and psychological predictions of his recovery rate abruptly became something far different. After driving off the Collector vessel the away team was understandably jubilant, including Shepard. Then She appeared. The reunion had gone poorly with Ashley Williams' verbal assault obviously negatively affecting Shepard erasing his celebratory mood and causing his normally commanding voice to falter upon radioing for dust-off. This was unsurprising considering the reports that had implied a relationship between Shepard and Williams prior to his death. No, the problems had revealed themselves later.

The next several missions went poorly leaving a trail of collateral damage that the Shepard described by pre-death mission reports would have never tolerated. The missions were successful but in a way that left Miranda uncomfortable. It took some time but eventually she pinpointed what was bothering her about Shepard's decisions, they were identical to the ones she would have made. In an attempt to discover this change's timeline Miranda compared after action reports from pre-death Shepard and the current Shepard.

During his hunt for Saren Shepard had made countless decisions which made Miranda question his suitability for command such as sparing the rachni, talking down obviously dangerous cultists instead of launching an overwhelming surprise attack, and wasting time reforming criminals rather than ensuring an end to their activities by killing them. Peculiarly these stunts had all seemed to work, though the jury was still out on the rachni. It was this seeming naivety, which was in reality an uncanny ability to discern a person's character, that the Illusive Man wanted from Shepard. It could well prove to be invaluable in not only forging a functional team from the crew of psychopaths and jaded warriors Shepard was assembling but also, perhaps, in unifying various species for the fight against the Reapers that loomed in their future. Only with his unique interpersonal skills reigning in disruptive elements and ensuring peace between teammates or races would they have any hope of defeating the Collectors, let along the Reapers.

Smiling Miranda thought back to an exhibition of Shepard's unique ability that she had experienced first hand. An infuriated Jack, even by her abnormal standards, had stormed into Miranda's office hurling abuse at Miranda and Cerberus. Miranda's pride, loyalty to Cerberus and antipathy towards the unstable biotic made her escalate the confrontation rather than attempt to diffuse the situation. Just in time Shepard appeared as the two women's biotics flared following Miranda calling Jack a mistake. He had quickly diffused the situation with his trademark calm as Jack prepared to throw a shockwave at Miranda, one that could possibly have taken out a section of the Normandy's hull as well.

"Whoa stop, hold on Jack. I need to go get a camera. Joker requested pictures of this particular cat fight, and who am I to deny the request of an obviously disturbed, lonely man?" Having gotten their attention and with violence seemingly averted, or at least now partially directed towards himself Shepard simply held each woman's gaze in turn before telling them to save it for the Collectors. Miranda knew Shepard's banal appeal to duty had no right to work on two such strong willed, and in one case psychotic, people. But that _look_ he had given her and, she assumed, Jack. To continue fighting would have disappointed him, and for some reason that mattered to her and this fact made her dissipate her biotic charge as Jack slowly did the same. Why would his disapproval matter to either her or Jack? _Because he's your superior, of course, and it would jeopardize the mission. Really, then why did it seem to work on Jack too, she certainly doesn't care about such things. Maybe Shepard gave her a different look? No, you just didn't want to let him down and Jack didn't either, no one does._

Shaking herself out of the oddly uncomfortable memory Miranda thought about Shepard's behavior immediately following his 'rebirth'. On the Project Lazarus station Shepard had dispassionately watched Cerberus personnel being gunned down by mechs without making a move to help, or even show any concern over their agonizing deaths. Then when Miranda had shot Wilson Shepard hardly blinked claiming that he knew Wilson would betray him. Despite complimenting his intuition Miranda was disturbed by this statement. The image of Shepard she had collected from mission reports would not have easily accepted the vigilante justice that resulted in Wilson's execution.

Shepard appeared frustrated with the galaxy and did not hesitate to express his displeasure. Miranda understood this, being resurrected had to be a shock and it would undoubtedly be a while before Shepard fully regained his emotional equilibrium. This had been predicted by Cerberus' mental health experts who said in time Shepard would simply adjust.

Garrus' recruitment seemed to speed the healing process of whatever emotional wounds resurrection had caused. Indeed as time passed Shepard had begun to stabilize to the point where he had helped a batarian in Omega's plague zone with no hope of a reward. An especially impressive act considering what batarians had done to his family on Mindoir. He acted respectfully to the crew, downright charming to Tali, Chambers, and herself. Shepard's effectiveness in this mood was shown by his resolution of Aria's problems with the Patriarch. Keeping the Patriarch alive, and actually cheering him up, earning Aria's respect and grudging respect, despite disobeying her. A perfect mission that combined with the Jack incident perfectly illustrated why the Illusive Man had wanted Shepard brought back from death. And then Horizon happened.

A clear indicator of Shepard's changed mentality after Horizon could be seen in his behavior upon returning to Omega. A chance meeting with Helena Blake, the crime lord he had convinced to turn her life around during his hunt for Saren, showed the new Shepard. He did not encourage or congratulate her for turning her life around; instead, he accused her of being a whore before walking away from the stunned social worker. Later that day Shepard met Fist in the same bar and after ascertaining that he had kept his word and stayed out of trouble Shepard began mocking and threatening him. Needless to say Miranda thought both of these characters deserved such abuse; but that was the point, the Illusive man wanted The Hero of the Citadel, not Miranda to lead this mission. And Shepard was definitely not living up to his billing.

Miranda was for the first time forced to write a report about her personal project that contained the possibility for the failure of Project Lazarus' goal of maintaining Shepard's pre-death personality. Since Horizon Shepard appeared to relapse, once again enjoying the suffering he inflicted. Case in point Pragia: where Shepard had encouraged Jack to execute the other survivor of the Teltin facility disaster. To harden himself to the point where he had convinced _Jack_ to murder was disturbing. Miranda took solace in that she would have killed him as well; after all the man had wanted to restart torturous experiments on children. But again, that was her, not Shepard's way of problem solving. The only thing to do was to wait and see; hopefully Shepard could recover from whatever blow Horizon had dealt to his fragile emotional state.

Settling onto her couch Miranda took a moment to compose herself and still the twisting fear that her project was veering off course despite having progressed past the point where pre-mission plans predicted serious problems to have been resolved. With another sigh Miranda pushed such concerns aside knowing only time would show whether The Hero of the Citadel remained intact. Eventually she was able to fall asleep.

_"Oriana, no don't, I can explain."_

_"No, you never gave me a chance, why should I give you one? Father told me what you did. How could you be so selfish as to take a child just so the man you hated couldn't have her?" demanded Oriana._

_"It wasn't like that; look at all I've done for you since! This clearly wasn't for me, it was for you. Please listen, let me explain!" _

_"Begging doesn't suit you Miranda." Laughter, that laughter, echoed in Miranda's head. Looking around she found herself back on Horizon standing in front of her father, her sister nowhere to be seen. "Afraid to be left alone with nothing to show for your efforts upon your sister's behalf? I wonder…would you do anything differently if you knew that this was the inevitable result of your work. That despite you best intentions the only one you love would abandon you because of the very actions that allowed her to have a future."_

_"How did you find Oriana?"_

_"I helped him." the voice froze Miranda as her only childhood friend appeared._

_Rage coursed through her at the betrayal leaving only emptiness behind as Miranda raised her gun and repeatedly fired into the head of her spectral friend. Struggling to compose herself she turned to her father,_

_"Father, what did you do?"_

_"Nothing you haven't done yourself _Miri_." _

**A/N: Shouldn't be too hard but if someone can guess the significance behind 1347 Kaffa Ward and the designator H1526 put it in your review with a request for a character to appear in the next chapter and I'll see what I can do.**


	2. Chapter 2: Larva

**A/N: A few people have viewed my story so it will continue for now. I've had one review which I greatly appreciate but please could I get some more? Criticism is welcome in the quest to make this story worthwhile. The rating is changed to M for obvious reasons, told you it wouldn't take long.**

**And yeah, I still don't own anything related to Mass Effect or Bioware.**

LARVA

Illium, Shepard had been looking forward to a civilized planet as a nice break from the depressing milieu that seemed to constitute the rest of the Terminus System. The cleanliness and architecture lifted his spirits reminding him of the comparatively optimistic days he spent on the Citadel while hunting Saren a couple of months ago. Shepard's good mood vanished as he remembered that for everyone but him that had happened over two years ago. Slipping back into his customary malaise Shepard's spirits were once again raised when the asari greeter mentioned that Liara was on the planet and had paid their docking fees. Apparently Liara was happy to see him; and considering her new career as an information broker this was despite knowing about his links with Cerberus, unlike Ash.

It was all Shepard could do to not grab her shoulders and shake in a desperate attempt to snap Liara out of whatever state she had entered. The woman he had known had vanished, becoming a cold, efficient member of Illium's overactive underbelly. Between copying intimidation tactics from her mother Matriatch Benezia to nonchalantly remarking on the killing of her traitorous assistant, who appeared as close to being a friend as Liara now had, Shepard could see little of the innocent archaeologist he had once known. Rather she seemed on track to become a new version of Aria, and apparently his death was to blame for the transformation. It was too much; he needed to get away from the creature his failure had created.

Having gotten the necessary information from Liara regarding Thane and Samara Shepard quickly headed towards Eternity. His previous optimism shattered by the meeting Shepard needed to escape from the reminder of his failures that Liara had become; the new recruits could wait until tomorrow, he needed a drink. Apparently his body seemed to think he needed several. And, surprise, surprise his body also seemed to think that the half-krogan bartender was actually pretty attractive, at least if you squinted and looked at her from _this_ angle, and ignored her nearly masculine voice.

"Sorry, no sex. I just cleaned the bar." croaked Aethyta in her rough, or sultry if drunk enough, voice.

"Well, that doesn't rule out anywhere else now then does it?" countered Shepard.

"Guess not, think you can wait for my shift to end in an hour, or will I have to carry you back to my apartment by then?" the asari asked upon seeing the size of the tab Shepard had accumulated so quickly.

"An hour you say, I don't know. Maybe if I had motivation I could wait, do you still have _your_ commando leathers?"

Aethyta was intrigued but she knew this was a bad idea. She was a matriarch after all, not some wild maiden, but then again he was _Shepard-_nothing ventured, nothing gained. Though judging by Shepard's glazed stare having her way with him would not be too difficult a venture, and he probably couldn't wait an hour, leathers or no. "L'thera, cover for me please, I have a…customer in need of my service."

Arriving in Aethyta's apartment the pair chatted politely while she quickly downed several drinks to level the playing field a bit. "Excuse me Shepard but I must wash after a day's work, asari do not perspire much but I'm afraid krogans do. I will be back soon."

"If you wish, though a life aboard ships with marines has damaged my sense of smell enough that even Tuchanka did not bother me, despite the effect it seemed to have on several of my squad."

"In that case, perhaps you'd care to join me?" growled Aethyta as she reached out grabbing Shepard's hand and leading him to the bathroom.

Once inside Aethyta pulled Shepard into a quick kiss that tasted of the bar's signature drink while slipping out of her sandals. Pulling away she slowly unzipped the side of her dress letting it slide down coming to rest around her feet revealing an unsurprising lack of lingerie. Shepard meanwhile struggled out of his combat boots, not taking his eyes off Aethyta's newly uncovered skin. Standing Shepard peeled his fatigue shirt off before reaching for his belt buckle. Performing a slow twirl as she stepped towards Shepard Aethyta pressed herself against his chest. She trailed her nails down his sides as she reached to tug at his waistline. As their combined breathing grew heavier Aethyta suddenly jerked both Shepards pants and underwear down as she fell to her knees placing light nips across his stomach trailing downwards causing him to close his eyes.

Pulling back Aethyta stood to admire what she had uncovered. Scars crisscrossed his body, many of which glowed a disturbing red bespeaking some sort of cybernetic augmentation. Others were identifiable as bullet or blade wounds, they covered his whole body continuing onto his face where a crescent of crimson light shone from his jaw line to eye socket. The amount of pain that these scars represented staggered Aethyta as she looked at Shepard's in wonder that the man could still be standing.

Then his eyes snapped open the fiery gaze causing her to inhale sharply and shift uneasily as it roamed over her with an intensity that caused her to flush. Shepard's stare followed the subtle scale pattern that stretched from Aethyta's jaws down her neck before spreading out and framing the top of her breasts before sweeping down and petering out along her ribs. Drawing near her Shepard reached past Aethyta activating the showerhead's massage setting sending pulsing waves crashing over them as he urged her into the shower. Hands wrapped possessively around her hips Shepard guided her steps backwards into the water with unrelenting pressure until her back touched the cold tiles of the wall causing her to shiver and inhale a shaky breath.

The sight of Shepard's heavily muscled, scarred frame and his controlling actions stirred her krogan blood causing Aethyta to wrap her legs around him bucking her hips into him grinding the length of his erection against her rear. Her hands grasped the sides of his face tilting it back exposing his neck to her. She leaned forward biting just hard enough to draw blood which she let slowly trickle down his neck watching it mingle with the rivulets of water the shower sent over them before licking and sucking at the streams, tasting his coppery blood.

Shepard's hands left her waist letting her legs support her on him. One hand reaching for her head fringe stroking his nails along the length of the tendrils before sliding fingers between the folds of skin causing Aethyta to gasp and move one hand from his face to grasp the wrist of his wandering hand in a desperate effort to slow the waves of pleasure caused by Shepard's manipulation of her sensitive fringe. His other hand wandered over her body circling her ass before coming to rest on her chest kneading her breast before taking a nipple between his fingers and roughly rolling it to attention.

Moving her other hand from Shepard's face Aethyta scraped her nails down his back breaking the skin before moving it to his waist grabbing hold of his cock as she arced back aiming it upwards to her core before thrusting back down easily sheathing him within her. Quickly establishing a rhythm Shepard and Aethyta's moans rose in volume as they neared climax. Removing his hand from her head Shepard wrapped his arm around her waist, fingers gently flicking against her folds, spreading her wider as he urgently pushed deeper his insistent thrusts meeting her bucking hips as they sought release.

Without his hands among her head fringe Aethyta could focus enough through the haze of pleasure to grasp his head forcing his red eyes to lock on her own amber eyes which faded to black as she established the meld. The effects of the meld were instantaneous as their nervous systems intertwined allowing them to experience the pleasure of the other in addition to their own. The rush of sensations sent Aethyta plunging over the edge as her paced quickened adding her own liquid to the shower water that drenched Shepard's legs.

Aethyta meant for this meld to remain shallow, simply an enhancement of tactile pleasure; but as the sensations from their mating intensified she lost control of the meld allowing their minds to merge. Shepard achieved his peak as their minds combined allowing the asari to 'see' what his eyes saw at that moment. Aethyta watched in puzzlement as she 'saw' Shepard's arms holding a dark haired human who gasped as her tanned legs pulled him against her. Shuddering as he spent himself into Aethyta Shepard cried out his joy.

"Ashley!"

* * *

The effects of his climax and the meld wearing off Shepard looked down to see a blue body entangled with his. Realization came flooding into his mind as he saw the questioning expression of the asari. Wordlessly he let go of her and pushed her legs away before pulling his clothing on over his wet skin and stumbling out of the bathroom. Aethyta slowly composed herself wrapping a tower around her chest as the trailed after him. Shepard had reached the door and as he turned the knob Aethyta sent a biotic push against it slamming it shut in his surprised face. Shepard turned to her, his face contorted in a snarl which visibly widened the glowing scars as skin tore, his eyes blazing hatred at her.

"You are not her; do not attempt to manipulate my mind to think otherwise or I will kill you." he ground out through clenched teeth as he advanced towards her. "Open the door, now."

Taken aback by the accusation and his changed demeanor Aethyta edged towards the drawer where her pistol was hidden panicking at the though of being trapped with a violent, crazed Commander Shepard. But she was a matriarch, not an ordinary bartender and while her counsel was seldom needed, and even less frequently wanted, on Illium the man before her clearly was in need of such counsel. If only she could survive long enough to give it while keeping him here.

"Shepard, I did nothing to your mind. You have been with asari before, you know we cannot do what you accuse me of. If I did something else that offended I apologize, I meant no harm." Aethyta stalled with a forced calmness in her voice until she reached the drawer. An armed, biotically adept asari matriarch ought to be able to survive a drunk, unarmed human, no matter his skill. Now she could go on the offensive and try to exorcise the demons that had made him turn on her.

"Who is she, the one you though me to be?" she whispered. This froze Shepard in place long enough for Aethyta risk closing her eyes to frantically search the memories Shepard had accidently shared with her for something that could breakthrough to him. Before the memory could be found Shepard gathered biotic power to himself and shot across the room faster than the asari could react bowling her over and sending her flying into a table which shattered under her momentum leaving her unconscious. Aethyta's last conscious thought was that no wonder no one listened to her on Thessia, a matriarch incapable of helping an obviously distraught male, pathetic. Giving her still body a last spiteful glance Shepard staggered out the now open door.

_Well I suppose I deserve this, it is after all probably considered striking a superior officer to strangle the Councilor's aid. But damn it if Udina didn't have it coming. After convincing Anderson not to tell her about Shepard having contacted the Alliance after his phoenix impression Udina was lucky she hadn't done worse to him, she still might. At least Anderson hadn't allowed Udina to press charges so she would only be in this cell for a few more hours, a few more boring hours with nothing to do but reflect on her mistakes._

_Not strangling Udina, that wasn't a mistake, well perhaps stopping was but then tazers do tend to have that effect. No, Horizon was the mistake. Shepard had been telling the truth, the Alliance brass and the Council had both turned their backs on him driving him further away from them and into Cerberus' arms even after he sought out their aid following his resurrection. And her words, mistrustful, angry could have only sent him deeper into Cerberus' embrace, probably personified by the top-heavy slut that had been following Shepard on Horizon. No, I won't cry over him, I've done enough of that already; it's past the time for tears._

_What hurt was knowing that Shepard had still wanted her, he had asked Anderson to contact her but the bastard had refused, at Udina's insistence, for security reasons. As if that civilian asshole knew the first thing about operational security, he just wanted to hurt Shepard for nominating Anderson as councilor. And he had hurt Shepard; or rather she had hurt Shepard for him. Enough self pity, think of something happy so Udina can't claim victory over you too. A happy thought, hmm…_

_Ashley grabbed his face tilting it back placing kisses along his neck as she wrapped her legs around him. Somehow he managed to not slip on the shower's slick floor when her weight was suddenly thrust upon him as he moved her back up against the cool glass that made up the shower's enclosure. Releasing Shepard's head Ashley ground against him as he stroked her hair with one hand while simultaneously exploring her body with his other one. Their coupling grew in intensity until Shepard released into her calling her name._

_"Ashley!" his voice full of desire ran through her body as she too climaxed._

_Damn it, not that memory._

The brig's door opened as Udina approached Ashley's cell a gloating expression plastered on his face. "Well, you're free to go. Anderson has ordered your unit to Aethrax IV to investigate a potential geth incursion. Do try to avoid getting your unit destroyed in an ambush. After all _he_ certainly won't be there to save you this time. The guards will escort you to your ship, have a pleasant trip."


	3. Chapter 3: Mutare

**A/N: Please I'm dying for some feedback, I know there are people reading it, tell me what you think could be improved or that I should keep doing. I did tell you this would get dark, right?**

**I don't own anything related to Mass Effect or Mace.**

MUTARE

Jack was impressed, not a common occurrence; but then Shepard was not a common man. Having been locked up while Shepard was doing his whole 'Hero of the Citadel' routine Jack knew less than most beings in the galaxy did about that Commander Shepard. What she had heard while on the inside from various criminals and mercs was not impressive, far too many of said lowlifes had survived to attest to his actions firsthand. He sounded like a fucking boy scout, a handsome, potentially lethal boy scout-but still not Jack's thing.

This Shepard though, he was much closer to her tastes. Watching an inebriated Shepard staggering to the Normandy from yet another afternoon spent at Afterlife with yet another dark haired woman draped around him Jack smiled in anticipation of the evening's entertainment. Suppressing an uncharacteristic giggle Jack paged Miranda informing her of the Commander's return.

* * *

Miranda was confused, since that night on Illium when Shepard had returned to the ship drunk with bite marks on his neck he had seemed to once again return to a somewhat normal behavior pattern. Shepard had even saved a refinery full of innocent workers on Zorya rather than pursuing Vido, which would have achieved the primary goal of securing Zaeed's loyalty. That mission again showed how oddly effective the 'Hero of the Citadel's tactics could be. Not only were lives saved, a secondary concern to Miranda, but Shepard had managed to talk down _Zaeed Massani_ gaining his loyalty while also securing the appreciation, and funding, of the Eldfell-Ashland Corporation. Miranda did not have long to wait before the other shoe dropped.

Following that night on Illium there was one significant change in Shepard's behavior, his heavy drinking and constant trawling of clubs where he callously exploited his fame to bring the first athletically built woman with dark hair he could find back to his cabin on the Normandy. This strange behavior was worrying enough before it began to affect their mission. Now Shepard was planning the ship's movements to ensure that he was never far from Omega, Illium, or the Citadel and their clubs that had an abundance of brunette Shepard bait.

Take this wasteful trip as an example, instead of scanning for minerals in the Traverse where they had been following several leads Shepard decided to leave the Traverse to scan near Omega before heading all the way back out to the Traverse for a second mission. The insanity continued as they then went back to Illium with its Eternity Bar (which Miranda noticed had a new bartender who watched Shepard warily) just to pick up a package for the salarian information broker Ish. This provided an excuse for Shepard to then return to Omega after a short mission to pick up the Firewalker. This needed to end; it was a waste of resources to make such frequent 'resupply' stops. When Shepard returned from his search for FBA couplings she would confront him.

Answering her chiming comm unit Miranda was surprised, and suspicious, to hear Jack following orders and reporting Shepard's return to her. Shaking off the suspicion Miranda entered the elevator directing it to the CIC while bracing herself to confront the commander. As the doors open she noticed Jack perched on the railing around the galaxy map looking like the cat that ate the canary. Worried as to what Jack's expression meant Miranda put it out of her mind as she prepared to meet Shepard. And then she saw why Jack was grinning as Shepard emerged from the decontamination chamber. Apparently his search had been successful, not that it would help Donnelly any. Enough was enough, this would end now.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Miranda demanded ignoring the obvious answer to give Shepard a chance to explain his actions. "Did you at least get the FBA couplings?"

"Use the elevator to go to deck one, I'll meet you up there soon." whispered Shepard to the woman as he untangled their arms before directing his attention at Miranda. "I know you're the Ice Queen but surely you have some inkling as to what I'm doing with her. So, why don't you say what you really mean Miranda?"

"Fine, you're drunk at 3:00 in the afternoon…"

"I told you I run this ship military, so it's actually 1500 hours."

"…and wasting our time and resources with unnecessary stops so you can pick up bar sluts." finished Miranda refusing to be rise to Shepard's bait.

"Believe me, it is not a waste of resources." Shepard softly slurred, "The Illusive Man wanted 'The Hero of the Citadel' and even passed up the opportunity to implant a control chip in me to get him. After the billions he spent this 'waste' of resources is nothing. Look at your mission reports. Its working isn't it."

Jack was disappointed, these were not the fireworks she had hoped for when paging Miranda. Shepard even sounded like the pussy he used to be, this wasn't interesting. The next words Miranda spoke suddenly spiced things up a bit.

"They are not Ashley, Shepard." Miranda blurted out before blanching at the realization of what she had said.

"Never say that again Operative Lawson. It is my business; you and your Cerberus masters brought me back and now I will decide how to spend this my time in this hell you have forced me into." Shepard grated before shouldering past the pale Cerberus agent and entering the elevator.

* * *

The anger in Shepard's face intrigued Jack; it was so powerful tearing open recently healed skin revealing the red glow of cybernetics. _Now that was more like it_, thought Jack. _Perhaps if I grew my hair out?_ _Oh, well might as well hang around here hoping for more entertainment, eavesdropping on the sexual tension between Ken and Gabby is getting old, and this is much more promising. _Jack was not to be disappointed as twenty minutes later a tear streaked brunette ran out of the elevator clutching her torn clothes around her and holding a spray can of mace.

* * *

Hunched over the sink in his bathroom Shepard splashed water over his face flushing the chemicals from his eyes thankful for the privacy provided by this new Normandy. The swelling eventually receded leaving Shepard to dry his face of tears while studying the image reflected by the mirror. It hardly looked like him. It sure as hell hadn't acted like him. Shepard shuddered as he thought about what he had just done.

With a curse Shepard stumbled to his desk before collapsing in the chair. He was alone, again. _No, I need to find another girl, or I'll realize She's gone…Damn, too late._ Reaching into his desk drawer Shepard removed his emergency equipment placing the bottle and picture on the desk while returning the pistol to the drawer. A half hour later a morose Shepard had finally found company within himself.

_Miranda's right, they aren't her, there isn't anyone else like her. I'm alone. They can't talk to me as equals; pointing out my mistakes, reassuring me, telling me of faith. _

_Faith, bullshit, I died there is nothing after this, unless this is hell? _

_Ridiculous…isn't it?_

_Maybe, how did you describe this 'second life' to Miranda?_

_As hell. _

_Right. _

* * *

To say that Tali worried about Shepard's behavior was an almost criminal understatement. The man she knew two years ago had been kind, even to the extent of putting up with Verner's irritating adoration. _As well as her own, Keelah, he even accepted a naïve, fragile, young Quarian into his crew and, most importantly, his trust. _The man who had rescued her in the alley by Chora's Den had been out to save the galaxy from an unimaginable threat yet seemed more concerned over her wellbeing than the geth data she possessed that would help him in his mission. That the new Shepard was different was clearly shown by his behavior on Freedom's Progress.

Tali's quicksilver eyes darkened at the memory of Veetor's treatment. Sending Veetor to the migrant fleet had been a harsh decision but she had been able to justify it to herself considering the behavior of Prazza's squad and Shepard's insistence that Veetor would not be harmed. Even upon hearing from the Migrant Fleet that Veetor had never returned Tali excused Shepard as being unaware of Cerberus' action regarding Veetor's apparently fatal interrogation. Now that event looked more significant as it seemed to presage Shepard's continued employment of brutal, though effective, tactics. Tali could no longer pretend that Shepard's decisions were the same ones he would have made before his resurrection by Cerberus. The Shepard she knew and cared for was gone.

There had been moments when Shepard appeared to be the same as he used to be. Tali treasured these times as Shepard would come into engineering and talk with her, just like he had on the real Normandy. Such moments had vanished into memory since whatever had happened during that last trip to Omega. Now Shepard only dropped by for official reasons leaving Tali to listen to Ken's persistent bitching about the lack of FBA couplings.

Indeed an incident with that persistent annoyance Verner highlighted the change. Shepard had undergone since Omega. Upon meeting the delusional Verner in the Eternity Bar Shepard had simply shot him in the foot. There was no attempt to humor the obviously unwell man or to defuse the situation, just a steely determination to remove the man obstructing his progress towards the bar and its cowering bartender. Further evidence of Shepard's altered mentality was revealed as he searched the Dantius Towers for the assassin Thane. The mission had begun with promise; the old Shepard appeared to have won the internal struggle and the team rescued several groups of salarian workers. But when meeting the slightest obstacle, such as a panicked, harmless salarian pointing a gun, one that still had the safety on, at them the new Shepard did not talk him down. Rather he chose the quicker alternative of pistol whipping the salarian.

After this the new, ruthless Shepard was fully revealed when the team interacted with an Eclipse Mercenary officer. Tali shuddered remembering the events of that encounter. _Sneaking up behind the inattentive merc Shepard and his squad held him at gunpoint as Zaeed confiscated the merc's omnitool; after which began the true interrogation. As the man's refusal to talk continued Tali had seen Shepard's patience slip until finally he told Jack to immobilize the man. Grinning Jack threw a biotic field at the merc restraining him as Shepard smiled while drawing his knife and approaching the frozen man signaling Zaeed to begin recording with the merc's omnitool. _

Tears ran down Tali's face as she recalled the torture which followed: fingers broken, teeth pulled, Shepard's face frozen in a smile as he carved his name into the merc's forehead before finally slowly gouging an eye out. Needless to say the merc broke down and gave up the requested information, though the info was worthless anyways. Sliding to the floor with her back pressed against her workstation Tali fought back the urge to vomit as her memories continued despite her attempts to stop them from playing out in her mind yet again.

_His smile having never faltering Shepard thanked the merc for the information before inquiring as to the man's ability to fly. Watching the confused expression cross the mercenary's face Shepard laughed before suddenly throwing him through a plate glass window sending him plummeting to an agonizing death hundreds of meters below. Chuckling Shepard turned to high-five Zaeed giving further instructions._

_"Zaeed, you got that? Good, now use his omnitool's address book to send the recording to his family."_

_Manically laughing he strode towards the elevator slapping a lasciviously grinning Jack on the ass in passing. Tali shaking off her shock choked back her tears and turned away from her Commander, unable to look at him, when she saw something that confused her. The squad members' reactions were as expected: Grunt laughing, Zaeed chuckling, Jack appearing aroused, Garrus watching impassively, Jacob frowning but looking resigned, Mordin having already lost interest and scanning a plant. What was unusual was the look Tali saw flit across Miranda's normally impassive face having witnessed Shepard's brutality; one of revulsion, fear, and _sadness_. _

Perhaps, Tali thought, she had found an unlikely ally in addressing Shepard's worsening behavior. This faint hope of stopping Shepard's descent brought Tali to her feet.

* * *

Miranda cursed as she threw her latest report onto the desk. Shepard's behavior was becoming increasingly worrisome. This latest stunt with the drugged volus merely highlighted the point. Miranda saw the sense in allowing the pathetic creature to attack the asari commando unit, it would reveal their defensive positions and cost the team nothing. No, what bothered her was Shepard's motivation; he did not do it for the intel, not even observing what reactions the volus' appearance elicited from the Eclipse. Instead he simply sent Niftu Cal to his death and then had a good laugh with Zaeed and Grunt when Cal's broken body came hurtling back through the doorway. If only she had hadn't confronted Shepard about his imitation Ashleys, that was a slight problem compared to what she now faced.

_Damn it, this isn't the Shepard I was supposed to bring back. I need a plan, if this continues Project Lazarus will be a failure. No, that will not happen, but I need to find a way to fix whatever is wrong with the commander. Aside from those disturbing scars he is physically intact. Actually, considerably more than just intact considering the chiseled torso he exhibited after the last skirmish as Dr. Chakwas tended to his injuries, lucky woman. Whoa, get a hold of yourself Miranda. Shepard is simply the subject of Project Lazarus, a project which is failing spectacularly. Despite his perfectly toned-Stop it…okay, back to business. As much as her sunshiny attitude annoys me, this is Chamber's area of expertise, well this and providing 'stress relief' as the Illusive Man referred to it as._

Jolted out of her reverie by a hesitant knocking Miranda opened her cabin's door revealing Tali nervously shifting from foot to foot and wringing her hands. _Hmm, this might turn out to be useful._ Pasting a smile on her face to calm the nervous buckethead Miranda began to think of a plan.

"Tali, please come in, I think there is a matter which we must discuss."


	4. Chapter 4: Dissonus

**A/N: Again, please review and thank you to those who have taken the time to do so.**

DISSONUS

On his previous trip to Tuchanka during an N7 training run Shepard had hated the wasteland planet. Now though Shepard understood why krogans insisted on living here; the omnipresent threat of death lent a certain urgency to living that Shepard found intoxicating. Here life expressed itself as pain at all levels, from daily chores such as slaughtering pyjaks to transformative moments like the Rite; from serious activities like search and destroy patrols to moments of relaxation betting on varren fights. Death permeated all and Shepard enjoyed seeing the galaxy stripped of the veneer of civilization revealing its base element, one common to all species sentient or not, an individual's mortality.

The various races had all constructed systems of morality that, while differing in details, all had the same goal of masking the inevitable and capricious nature of death providing a false sense of comfort through the imposition of social constraints on behavior. Turians value obedience, humans charity, hanar faith, asari diplomacy, quarians selflessness, etc. Each of these traits sheltered the weak individuals from death while preventing the strong from achieving their potential.

These systems were all wrong, only by overcoming the fear of death by learning to accept mortality through constant pain could a man become more than an drone controlled by fear. If death was preferable to the pain of living the galaxy's accepted morality was rendered obsolete. Omega's nature hinted at this but even there vestiges of morality led the average denizen to simply try to survive beneath the notice of Omega's predators. Only Tuchanka's omnipresent death fully exposed the falsehood of society's morality by forcing everyone to fight for their existence. There was no hiding from pain, only by enduring pain's presence and thereby learning to view a state of death as an improvement to living could one be free to act in their own interest.

Pleased with his reasoning Shepard decided to enlighten his team; after all they were chosen for their strength and had each endured pain, surely they would understand this revelation. Voicing this sentiment Shepard was confused by some his companion's reactions; they couldn't seem to understand the simple concept. Jacob shifted uneasily sharing an alarmed glance with Kasumi, Miranda shook her head in disgust, and Tali took a step away from him wrapping her arms around herself protectively. Samara simply regarded Shepard critically as she measured his words against her own philosophy before shaking her head and telling him he was wrong. Angered at the rejection of his thinking Shepard dismissed them as weak. At least some of his other squadmates did seem to understand, though slowly in Grunt's case.

"No shit, Shepard. You just figure that out now, fucking idiot." Jack snorted as Zaeed chuckled his agreement with her.

Garrus also understood. _On Omega it was much the same. My squad believed itself to be motivated by an ideal of justice, protecting the weak. In the end they died stripped of all such pretensions. I can still hear their cries for mercy over the squad's radio net as my men surrendered to the mercs closing in on them. Confronted by mortality my men abandoned their oaths of fighting to the death, instead giving themselves up when any rational mind knew they would not be spared. There was no blaze of glory taking as many of the enemy with them as possible. There was simply the execution of terrified men who had given up the fight when confronted with their imminent mortality._

_Fear of death stripped my men of the shallow courage they drew from following society's ideals of justice. I have learned from this and will not suffer the same fate for death holds no fear for me. Leading my squad to its doom was the worst thing I could imagine. Death will be a release, a final end to the pain of this existence and this understanding will allow me to follow the path I choose for myself._ Looking at Shepard he nodded in agreement.

"Then let's stop talking and start killing!" exclaimed Grunt having finally absorbed Shepard's statement as he eagerly clambered aboard the transport.

* * *

As much as he had enjoyed Tuchanka it was good to return to the Normandy, and its showers. Shepard had found vorcha blood to be incredibly difficult to wash off, and after that battle with Blood Pack backed Clan Weyrloc there was plenty to remove. But, before he could reach the sanctuary of the elevator a voice stopped him, "Commander, Samara would like to see you in starboard observation."

"I will find Morinth with you but first tell me, will you hunt me once this mission is over the way you now hunt Morinth?" Shepard inquired leaning towards Samara curious what her response would be. Any sane person would say no, either truthfully or to maintain an element of surprise.

"Yes, once I destroy Morinth I will come for you. Samara answered dispassionately. _So, she is insane. No matter, no one will survive the trip through the relay anyways. _"You have violated the Code with disturbing regularity. Had I not foolishly given the Oath of Subsumation I would end your existence now. Your actions have given me cause enough to destroy you even before considering the abhorrent philosophy you espouse."

"What's wrong with my ideas? You have lived a life of struggle and are free from the fear of death, there is nothing shackling you to the weak. You are my proof having found strength in enduring pain." countered Shepard.

"No, pain weakens my resolve; I find the strength to continue in my dedication to the Code. While in the short term my tactics appear heartless I do not lose sight of my goal constantly weighting the benefit of achieving my aims with the immediate harm my actions inflict. It is this reasoning that led me to accompany you against the Collectors."

_Damn it, why did I even bother talking to her. Oh, apparently she's not finished yet. Fucking asari, just because they live a thousand years doesn't mean everyone else can waste time listening to them ramble on._

"You though, have no guiding force. Despite your actions on behalf of the galaxy's survival it is clear you do not do it out of a sense of duty or love. Rather you do it because it allows you to sate you violent desires and you enjoy the attention it brings you. All your actions are selfish and will only serve to eventually harm the galaxy, especially those who foolishly place their trust in you. This 'philosophy' you have created serves only to ensure that the pain you feel spreads out from you in waves destroying many lives as a sacrifice to one man's selfishness. In one aspect only do your beliefs agree with mine; your death is preferable to your continued existence." Samara concluded.

Taken aback Shepard defended himself, "I do have a guiding principle. Put simply: this is my time. I have suffered enough; this galaxy owes me everything and instead takes what little I care about away. I have earned the right to make my pain and anger work for me as I endure this hateful Purgatory Cerberus has created for me."

"And so we come to it at last, stripped of all pretenses to philosophy. You are simply taking your anger out on those weaker than you. I forget how similar to children you short-lived species can be." Samara stated softly a sad smile on her face. "And to think everyone sees a soldier in you. You have no sense of duty, no loyalty to anything other than feeding your base desires in an effort to fill your life with sensations of any sort. I have heard about Horizon and have witnessed your pathetic attempts at replacing her. Tell me, how well does this pain you keep talking of replace her?"

"And how well has the Code replaced your love for Morinth." retorted Shepard smiling as he saw the barb pierce Samara's calm façade.

Visibly composing herself Samara shut her eyelids allowing only a couple of tears to escape her eyes. "Listen to this carefully Shepard for it is the wisdom distilled from a millennium of sorrow. You will continue on this path thinking yourself safe from further hurt until you realize that with the end of pain and fear comes the end of all feelings. Emotions are not distinct notes, rather they blend to form a symphony and it is up to the composer to decide the music's message. Destroy one note and the whole work loses its grandeur. The absence of an emotion leaves a void, one you are struggling to fill with your psychotic philosophizing. At that moment when you have at last destroyed the source of your pain you will realize that in doing so you have rooted out all emotions; including the ones that have given you strength in the past."

"Condescending bitch, you're oracles mean nothing to me; and I will make you regret mentioning my love for Ashley." snarled Shepard stopping his hand as he noticed it straying to his pistol.

"Interesting, I never mentioned love or Ashley. So you already realize where your true strength lies, and how close you are to destroying it, hopefully it is not too late."

* * *

_The defeat in Samara's eyes as realization of her failure flooded through her pleased me greatly. It was a pity there would be no chance to enjoy mocking Samara's failure. Samara had made a simple mistake, thinking that I valued the so-called symphony of emotions. She was right in one thing I had come to understand, my philosophy was an artificial construct made to disguise my hatred of everything about this second life I had been saddled with. What doomed Samara's argument was that the complete absence of emotions seemed a small price to pay for freedom from the torment that has been my constant companion since my untimely resurrection._

"Morinth, I'm sending a map of the Normandy and a list of crewmembers to your omnitool so you can pretend to have been aboard before. Here's an electronic sweeper I got from Aria, it should clear any listening devices from your quarters. I've used it in my quarters and, based on Miranda's anger, it seems to work. Get settled in, sweep the room and I'll meet you there shortly."

"Don't keep me waiting too long Shepard." her sultry voice whispered with promise sending a shiver down my spine.

* * *

Rolling over on her cot Ashley whimpered and curled into a fetal position causing the figure leaning over her to stop shaking her shoulder.

"Uh, Chief? Get up, there's a message for you. Chief you really need to get up now." swearing the marine looks around nervously, embarrassed at seeing her in such a vulnerable state.

_The geth are getting closer, I can hear their strange buzzing language as they search for survivors. The sound of a pulse rifle and a scream tells me another of my unit had been found. Peering through the covering vegetation I see Serviceman Bhatia limping away from a group of geth holding her thigh. Then a second shot impacts her knee sending her sprawling. By chance she looks towards my hiding place and we make eye contact. As the geth grab her she yells at me to run. Jolted out of shock by her scream I burst out of cover spraying the geth with my assault rifle. Their shields hold and a pair of them return fire while the others lift Nirali onto an altar like device. I duck back into cover before peering out just in time to see a spike explode through her sternum. For the first time I notice several of the spikes in the area, each impaling a human figure. As I watch several spikes descend, the figures on them jerkily stand back up and turn towards me emitting horrible groans while a baleful blue light shines from their eye sockets._

_Stunned by the horrifying sight I was reminded of my immediate danger when a pulse rifle shot impacted the rock to my side sending several shards fling into my face. Firing a quick burst of suppressing fire I turn to run down the path towards where the dig site was wiping blood from my eye. Unfortunately some geth were already there. Sprinting away before they could react I had almost made it to a sheltering line of rocks when their shots impact my shields sending me stumbling to the ground. Scrambling backwards I return fire with my pistol knowing it's hopeless._

_For some reason I look around feeling that help is about to arrive. And then a burst of fire impacts my side and shoulder sending the pistol flying from my hands as I enter shock unable to move. The geth surround me but instead of finishing it they effortlessly carry me towards one of those altars. "No!" I scream in terror, death in combat is one thing; it could even perhaps exonerate the Williams name. To die and be resurrected by my enemies in that awful form is the most horrifying fate conceivable. Where was he, why hadn't he come for me this time?_

Ashley jerked awake struggling wildly feeling a hand on her before the marine's voice breaks through her confused state. Face flushing in embarrassment Ashley apologized to the equally embarrassed marine. Shaking off the apology the marine made his report, "Sorry to wake you, Ma'am. There's an FTL message for you marked urgent. You can recieve it at the comm station."

Pausing to collect herself Ashley dismissed her dream and headed for the comm station. Ever since Udina had given her this mission Ashley had been working overtime getting her squad ready for anything they might face. What little time she did have for sleep was interrupted by this recurring nightmare about Eden Prime. Despite her dislike of drugs Ashley decided to drop by the doctor's and get some sleeping pills after seeing what the message was. After all it wouldn't do to prove Udina right and get her squad killed just because she was tired. _After all Shepard won't be there to pull my ass out of the fire again_.

Entering the comm station an orderly saluted and handed Ashley the message. Glancing at the unfamiliar origin address Ashley was intrigued. Opening the letter and beginning to read Ashley was thrilled to see that it was from Tali. The initial excitement was short-lived, however, as she continued to read the message.

**Hello Ashley,**

**Sorry I haven't been able to contact you earlier but you know how it is with you on a secret Alliance mission and me on a secret Cerberus one. I just want to say that it was great seeing you on Horizon; you looked wonderful in your armor, just like you did when I first met you on the Citadel. Only you can pull off heavy armor and make it look good. **

**Anyways I'm afraid the reason I'm contacting you isn't to talk about old times or even your choice of armor color. No, it's far more serious than that. I have talked with both Miranda; I think you saw her on Horizon, and Kelly, the new Normandy's psychologist. The fact that I'm working with and agreeing with two Cerberus agents should tell you how serious this is.**

**I'll stop dragging this out, Shepard needs help and we all think you're the only one who can give it to him. Just so you know what has happened I've enclosed a sample of Miranda's mission debriefings, I can vouch for their accuracy, and Kelly's diagnosis of Shepard which I am not qualified to disagree with but it sounds accurate.**

**As someone who personally knew Shepard before his death I will add my thoughts here too. He is dangerously unstable. The man we knew is vanishing, at times he will emerge but those times are becoming few and increasingly infrequent. Shepard's ability to empathize is gone; he acts brutally and at times sadistically. It's hard to believe but lately he seems to actually take pleasure in causing pain to both others and himself.**

**I grew to love Shepard aboard the first Normandy just as you did. No matter how hard I've tried I cannot stop his descent into darkness; Shepard chose you two years ago and he needs you now. While I do not understand you reasons to abandon him on Horizon I can only hope they were good ones because the pain your actions have caused here are unimaginable. I fear it may be too late already but with your help I believe there is a chance to bring back the Shepard we loved. Time is short, you need to help immediately.**

**Sincerely,**

**Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya**

Ashley turned and quickly made her way back to her quarters avoiding interacting with anyone on the way, not trusting herself to remain in control. Upon reaching her room Ashley reread the message; it couldn't be true, but it was. The code she and Tali had agreed upon, the bit about her looking good in heavy armor,was there so this message _was_ accurate and Shepard _was_ acting strangely.

After reading the mission reports and the psych profile which had been peppered with words like psychopathic, sadistic, dissonance, and others she didn't understand, or want to, Ashley was forced to admit that Tali's assessment of Shepard seemed accurate. And the timing, there was no way that Horizon's role as a seeming turning point in Shepard's psychosis was coincidental. It was her fault.

Frantically wiping away tears and trying to silence her sobs so her messmates didn't hear her breakdown Ashley desperately tried to think of a course of action. Hearing Tali call her behavior on Horizon an abandonment of Shepard hurt as only the truth could. Finding out from Anderson and Udina that her reasons had not actually good ones the suffering Tali had referred to was, Ashley realized, her fault. But she was a marine and she was on deployment, leaving her mission to see Shepard was not an option. Especially as Ashley did not know if she even wanted to see him. His continued existence contradicted her every belief. Shepard had died, his soul had been returned to God; therefore it was impossible that he could have truly returned. Logically this new 'Shepard' did not contain the soul of the original one and therefore was simply a fleshy reanimated mockery of her lover. More like a husk than anything resembling the man she had known. This thought made Ashley nauseous remembering the glowing red eyes she had seen on Horizon, yes he _was_ more a husk than a person.

_But what if you're wrong, what if it somehow is him? Who are you to state that God couldn't send back Shepard's soul to save His creation? Couldn't it be His will that you help Shepard accomplish his task, and that you're refusal of him had contradicted God's will?_ a treacherous part of her mind suggested.

Tears streaming down her cheeks Ashley forced herself to ignore them and begin writing. She couldn't abandon her mission but she could try to tell Shepard how she felt. If it truly was him it might help, and if it wasn't then it wouldn't matter. Hitting the send button Ashley fell back asleep, maybe this time he would come for her again.


	5. Chapter 5: Libidinosus

**A/N: Okay, I've just discovered my line breaks did not transfer when the story was put up on the site. I've gone back and put them where they belong and new chapters will use line breaks too. Hopefully this will reduce any confusion arising from POV or scene changes. Warning sexual situation ahead. As always, please review. And, surprisingly enough, I still don't own Mass Effect.**

LIBIDINOSUs

Returning to his cabin Shepard smiled at his day's work. Not only had he gotten rid of an irritating team member he had replaced her with the most alluring asari he had ever met. Sitting at his desk to give Morinth time to finish finding all the Cerberus spy devices Shepard considered how best to deal with this newest teammate. Pulling up research on asari physiology and what little was available about Ardat-Yakshis on the extranet Shepard didn't even glance at the overturned picture of Ashley or ryncol bottle sitting next to him. Having formulated a plan Shepard grinned as he asked Kelly to tell 'Samara' to report to the commander's quarters.

The door hissed open revealing Morinth dressed in a revealing black and gold body suit. Briefly casting an appraising gaze around the room Morinth confidently strode towards Shepard who sat at the desk by his bed. Watching her descend the stairs Shepard was fascinated by the swaying of Morinth's hips as she placed one foot directly ahead of the other. Despite the effect this view had on him Shepard forced himself act disinterested knowing Morinth did this intentionally to test his ability to restrain himself. Pleased with himself for passing this test Shepard soon realized the testing had only just begun when Morinth came to a stop in front of his coffee table bending at the waist as if inspecting the Prothean artifact. Tearing his eyes from the expanse of cleavage Morinth's new position revealed Shepard saw that the artifact wasn't the item being inspected as his glowing red eyes locked on Morinth's pale blue ones.

Swallowing past his suddenly tight throat Shepard decided to turn the tables and test Morinth's self restraint. With false nervousness Shepard stood from the desk motioning Morinth to be seated he retrieved a bottle of an expensive asari drink pouring them both glasses before approaching the couch and sitting just out of easy arms reach from Morinth. Acting more inebriated than he was, a charade reinforced by several bottles Shepard had planted earlier, Shepard began to make clumsy advances towards Morinth; her response to this apparently easy target was the first test.

"S-So, Morinth, how are you settling in on the Normandy?" Shepard asked after desperately clearing his throat.

"It is _so_ interesting. There are many on this ship of great power, capable of being very dangerous. Though none I've met have yet matched you, Shepard. Its exhilarating." purred Morinth.

"I see, ahem, well I'm afraid I must ask you to not make advances upon any of the crew. It is against regulations and their deaths would be bad for morale."

"Really, that _is_ disappointing. But you, you're above regulations and I think that what I have in mind would be very good for your morale."

"Well, that certainly is flattering, I mean…if that's what you meant…But, ah, how about I turn on some music?" said Shepard refusing to make eye contact with Morinth.

"That would be perfect; I actually brought an OSD of my favorite artists. Would you mind if I played it?" Morinth spoke as she stood and walked to the player on the nearby bed stand her backside swaying side to side before she once again bent at the waist, this time with her back to him, once again exhibiting her flawless body as she inserted the OSD into the player.

Returning to the couch Morinth's gait synced with the beat of the music as the deep bass echoed within her. Taking her refilled drink from Shepard Morinth made sure her hand brushed his before bringing the glass up to her lips. Settling herself sideways on his lap Morinth put her glass down wrapping her arms around Shepard's shoulders as she traced her tongue along her lips pointedly licking a drop of her drink from the corner of her mouth.

Smiling to himself in victory Shepard leaned forward tentatively placing a kiss on her cheek. Giving a predatory growl Morinth grasped Shepards chin tilting his head up so she could give his mouth a series of increasingly hungry kisses. Drawing a leg up Morinth pivoted so that she now straddled Shepard's waist facing him. Capturing Shepard's desire filled stare with her eyes Morinth slowly traced her hands from her thighs over her stomach before moving them up to her breasts briefly pushing the blue globes together displaying her cleavage to Shepard. Her questing hands came to a stop resting on the clasps which secured the light armor to her form.

"I found this suit among my mother's belongings, it is much better than that red outfit she always wore. I wonder why she never wore it; it is quite tight, perhaps her figure was becoming too matriarchal? Do you like me in it?" whispered Morinth. Moving her mouth to Shepards ear the scraped her teeth down his ear before taking the earlobe into her mouth and sucking lightly. Pulling away with a barely audible pop to again look Shepard in the eyes Morinth continued, "Or, perhaps you would like me better in nothing."

Morinth undid the clasps on her shoulders releasing the padded armor which slid down her arms to the floor. Unzipping the front of her suit to her navel Morinth pulled her arms out of their sleeves freeing the top part of the skintight suit which fell to her waist revealing her torso to Shepard's wandering hands. Moving closer to him Morinth caught his mouth in a kiss which was quickly deepened as they both eagerly explored the other's mouth. Lowering his head Shepard caught a nipple in his mouth alternately sucking on it and teasing it with flicks of his tongue. Her excitement manifesting in her hardened nipple and increasingly shallow breathing Morinth grabbed the back of Shepard's head bringing it up to her eyelevel.

A smile teasing the corner of her mouth Morinth's icy blue eyes shifted to a bottomless black. "Embrace Eter…"

Shepard's backhand knocked Morinth from his lap snapping her head to its side. Emerging from her surprise Morinth snapped her once again blue eyes open glaring at Shepard as she attempted to scramble to her feet. Before she was able to recover and bring her biotics up to power Shepard had reached her gripping her neck tightly in one hand forcing her onto her toes while pressing a knife he had earlier placed between the couch cushions under her eye.

"I sided with you against Samara because I hated your mother for what she said to me even after I had agreed to help her kill you. According to her by crushing the emotions within myself that weaken me I also destroy the emotions that strengthen me; by the disgust on your face I can see Samara once said something similar to you. I refuse to accept what she said; I _can _destroy unwanted emotions and replace them with feelings that strengthen me. So far I have found rage and despair to be the most effective at allowing me to endure my cursed life.

That is why I killed Samara. Why do I let you live? I have decided to keep you around me because of all the simpering fools I've met across this galaxy only you appear to share an outlook similar to mine. While you are certainly capable of anger it is not driving you; you are exploiting another emotion to gain power. Seeing you I realize what that emotion is, it is desire. Morinth, you see something you want and you do anything to get it experiencing pleasure from the fact that you now control the object of you desire. This reveals itself in everything you do. From collecting mementos of your conquests to setting yourself up as a goddess in a primitive village, even to your sexuality, all that you do speaks of a quest to fulfill your base desire.

I am letting you live because I will use you to learn about desire. Both by observing your actions and using you to feed my lust I will add desire to my emotional harmony. Having harnessed desire in addition to anger and despair I will prove Samara wrong by having found a substitute for Ashley."

Looking at her dispassionately Shepard forced Morinth to her knees at knife point. Resigning herself to what was expected of her Morinth reached for his belt. To her surprise Shepard stopped her. Grabbing her wrist and dragging her over to his desk he placed her forearm at an angle against the edge of his desk. Shepard then quickly snatched up his desk lamp and brought it smashing down onto her arm snapping it where it was pressed against the table edge. Waiting for her anguished screams to die down to pained whimpers Shepard finally spoke,

"That was for two reasons. The first reason was simply to punish you for attempting to meld with me. The second, and more important, reason was that breaking your arm was my first lesson from you. I wanted you to suffer under my power and now that I have caused this to happen I have gained pleasure from filling my desire."

Confused by his monologue and distracted by the searing pain of her broken arm Morinth simply stared at him feeling an unfamiliar tendril of fear snaking through her. Her curiosity getting the better of her self preservation instinct Morinth spoke, "Who is this Ashley?"

Hearing this Shepard's jaw clenched and he twisted her broken arm causing her to cry out again. "You do not need to know, it is enough for you to know that your job is to make me forget the happiness I got from her. Go, tell Chakwas that you're arm was broken in the fight with Morinth. I will speak with you again later."

* * *

"Shit, I knew something strange was happening. This explains why Shepard's been taking merc prisoners."

"And why they always die without a mark on them." replied Kasumi as she watched Jacob try to wrap his head around what she had just told him.

"So Samara is really Morinth. I can't believe he'd do that, I mean, I know he's been acting odd…" Jacob said slowly.

"Yeah, if by odd you mean completely psychopathic." scoffed Kasumi. "Look, I was snooping around the captain's quarters after the mission with your father and I heard them talking; he called her Morinth. Don't look at me like that! You know I can't help it…Oh, that reminds me, here's you alarm clock. What, kleptomaniac…remember? It's my version of a panty raid, you had to have noticed it's been missing since the first time I spent the night with you." she protested reaching into her gym bag and handing Jacob the clock.

Smiling as he took his clock Jacob quickly grew serious again. "I know he's been acting crazy but he still always helps his crew, I mean he dealt with my father and he got your graybox back from Hock. I just have trouble picturing him betraying Samara like that."

"Here, I have proof; a recording in my omnitool."

* * *

_The image, filmed from behind an air duct's vent, showed Shepard sitting at his desk while the asari lounged on the bed dressed in a brown leather bodysuit with one arm in a cast._ _The recording began in the midst of a conversation,_

_"Did you enjoy merc I left you? I figured a Blue Sun Centurion would satisfy you until the next mission."_

_"Yes, thank you. He wasn't nearly as good as the potential targets I'm surrounded with aboard this ship but he sufficed." replied the asari giving Shepard a look of such intense desire it made him change the direction their conversation was heading._

_"I wish you'd been on the mission, you would have enjoyed what Ronald Taylor had done with the place. The entire ten years and dozens of casualties were a sacrifice in his search for pleasure." Shepard exclaimed._

_"So how did you exploit the situation?"_

_"I didn't, my mission was accomplished, I needed Jacob to be ready for the mission and now he is. After all I've gone through I'm not about to fail just because Jacob's pissed I let his father live to continue his little harem. What would you have done?" he asked, puzzled._

_"I would have stayed groundside after the team had left to 'secure' the situation. In reality I would have simply usurped Taylor's role and enjoyed his harem until the Alliance arrived to take over the situation."_

_"Damn, I should have thought of that." muttered Shepard._

_"Don't worry, you're still learning. After all I've been doing this for hundreds of years." the asari said in a condescending tone._

_"On the other hand all of those women hadn't had soap for ten years. And I did have a nice, clean asari waiting for me on my ship. One who apparently needs to be put in her place." Shepard retorted grinning at her._

_Crossing to the bed Shepard quickly undid the bodysuit's straps and unzipped the front while the asari tried to free her arms from the sleeves. While she gingerly removed the broken arm from its uncomfortably tight sleeve Shepard slipped off her boots. Raising her hips towards the ceiling the asari gave Shepard room to slide the clothing down her legs revealing an absence of underwear. With her naked Shepard quickly began disrobing as the asari got off the bed and knelt in front of Shepard waiting for him to finish removing his clothing._

_Once he finished the asari moved forward taking him in her hands and stroking him to readiness. Giving him a smile she moved her head down and slipped his cock between her lips as her cheeks caved inwards from the suction she applied. Pulling away with a pop the asari then placed kisses along the length of Shepard's erection before replacing her mouth around him beginning to slowly move her head up and down, gathering speed as she went. Guiding her head with his hands Shepard began to unconsciously thrust into the asari's mouth causing her to gag and flash a look of annoyance at him._

_Laughing at her indignation Shepard gave one final thrust forcing himself further into her mouth stretching her lips around the base of his cock before pulling away and walking up the stairs to his work space leaving her behind as she tried to catch her breath after gagging wiping saliva from her chin. Blocked by the model ships the camera couldn't see what Shepard was doing but there was the sound of a drawer closing as Shepard sighed before walking back to the asari._

_As he approached the asari she spoke, her voice full of anger and reproach, "I do everything you want and this is how I'm thanked. I know my skills; they have been perfected over centuries of hedonism. Whoever she is, she certainly is nothing compared to me."_

_Shepard stiffened when he heard this though he continued walking towards the asari coming to a stop right in front of her. The view was obscured but whatever look was on his face caused her to take a step back before she came up against the bed which halted her retreat. Suddenly Shepard punched her in the stomach forcing the wind from her lungs and causing her to double over coughing. Grabbing her by the upper arm he spun her around and threw her onto the bed face first. Reaching out to brace herself the injured arm buckled causing her to give a sharp cry of pain as Shepard stepped up behind her. Grabbing her head fringe he pulled her head back as he positioned himself at her entrance before harshly thrusting all the way into her in one movement. Reaching around her to roughly grasp a breast Shepard leaned forward and whispered into her ear so quietly the camera could barely pick up the sound._

_"Then. Make. Me. Forget. Her. Morinth." he growled, each syllable punctuated by a rough thrust._

_"I will." Morinth promised. "I will." she kept repeating as she thrust back against Shepard matching his movements until Shepard had finished with her._

* * *

"Damn it, what should we do?" asked Jacob shaking off the shock of seeing the recording as he leaned over the railing looking down at the drive core.

"I don't know. Maybe we should show Miranda, she is second in command." suggested Kasumi.

"Hmm…No, I need to handle this like a man. He helped me out with the Gernssback and saved the whole damn galaxy once already. Despite his recent behavior he deserves to be treated with respect. I'll go talk to him, see if I can find out what the hell is going on."

"Oh, and Kasumi," Jacob continued, "that you made this video is a little disturbing in its own right. For the crew's protection I'm going to have to find a damn good excuse to cover up a lot of air vents."

"Hey, it's not my fault I get bored when you're wasting all your time in here stripping down weapons instead of me." Kasumi joked before she started to silently sneak up on him.

"Going to have to start with the crew deck heads of course, then personal quarters, can't forget the med bay. Oh, and the cockpit, you do _not_ want to know what Joker does for fun. Lets see, anywhere else…" he teased before Kasumi hugged him from behind interrupting him and making him jump in surprise.

In-between the trail of kisses she was leaving up the side of his neck Kasumi gently whispered, "I like it when you joke, you're usually so intense. Actually, come to think of it I like the intensity too. Oh well, how about we make our own movie now?"

While he was distracted Kasumi quickly slipped the armory's table top clock into her gym bag, she'd use returning it as an excuse to meet him down here later.

**A/N: Just had to throw a Morinth scene in here, not nearly enough of her around this site.**


	6. Chapter 6: Amans

**A/N: There is a section of in game dialogue in this chapter, I try to avoid using it as I'm sure all of you have seen it before but this piece of dialogue was too perfect. This chapter isn't very good but it is necessary to set up the next few chapters I have planned so, please, stick with it.**

AMANS

It had taken a while but Ashley was finally satisfied with her message. After innumerable edits and fresh starts here was a note that expressed her feelings. The message didn't promise anything but it clearly revealed that he still mattered to her and held out hope of reconnecting. And she had remembered a perfect bit of poetry to apply to Shepard's situation. If Shepard's soul had really been returned by God to his body then this would help him. And if not then his body was either soulless or possessed, either way the message wouldn't matter then.

* * *

"Miranda, I don't think this is a good idea." objected Tali. "Maybe if you had let me tell Ashley about what Shepard did on Illium to that merc…"

"It wouldn't have mattered, she's obviously too weak to help us. Look at this half-assed message, all it does is prove that she once loved him. If we had told her about the torture and drunken whore mongering I doubt she would even have sent this." Miranda sneered at both Ashley's indecisiveness and Tali's naiveté as she continued. "Obviously she's trying to be _supportive_ saying she wishes him luck, his survival answers her prayers, and that she can't lose him a second time. But then she writes that they aren't the same as they were, she doesn't know what's true, and that she can't follow him. The bitch can't make up her mind and right now Shepard needs her to. One way or the other."

With finality Miranda turned to her computer as she stared into Tali's mask trying to read the twin silver beads, "I _will_ rewrite the letter. All that we need to decide now is what Ashley should have said. My first choice would be to make it a letter brimming over with regret for her actions and hope that Shepard will accept her renewed love and take her back. The second choice, I think, will appeal to you more. I, or rather Ashley, will dispassionately inform that commander that she hates him for what he has become after his resurrection."

"What? No, no you can't do that, you bosh'tet! Why would I like that, it would destroy him?"

"Yes it would. But it might also shock him into realizing what he has lost because of his recent behavior. And then you would finally have the opportunity to fulfill your greatest wish and experience what Ashley had as you help Shepard pick up the pieces of his life causing him to rely on you, and love you."

"Wha…How did you… what are you talking about?" Tali screeched defensively.

"Please, I figured a _quarian_ would have heard of body language. Plus I've reviewed your extranet history, 'Quarian/Human compatibility, immune boosters, etc.' Must I continue, because the mere thought of it is making me nauseous. Remember, just because I can't see your face behind that ridiculous mask doesn't mean you're an enigma. This is your one chance. If you're lucky, Shepard will be so desperate for comfort that he'll ignore how unsuitable for him you are. If he's not that desperate, then I will succeed where you failed and seduce Shepard myself."

"Oh, Keelah." Moaned Tali as she slumped into the chair by Miranda's desk, "I…I'll do it. Ancestors forgive my selfishness. I will..comfort…Shepard."

* * *

It had been a good day, Shepard reflected as he relaxed in his quarters. The look on Harkin's face as Garrus kneecapped him was priceless, and then just when his sides had stopped aching from laughter Garrus had shot Sidonis clean through the temple. _Viper sniper rifle: 150,000 credits. Combat scanner: 25,000 platinum. Shooting a traitor in the head: priceless._ Wiping tears of laughter from his eyes Shepard's good mood evaporated as he realized that only Garrus, of all the original Normandy's crew was still willing to follow him.

Sure Joker and Chakwas were onboard, but that was because of their own needs; flying for Joker and Chakwas' pathetic clinging to Joker for validation in her spinsterhood. Tali had joined him out of friendship for how Shepard used to be; and she now appeared to regret her decision as her normally ebullient nature evaporated leaving a broken, depressed quarian behind as she learned that the man she knew had stayed dead. Only Garrus was left who followed Shepard out of friendship because after his own suffering only he was able to share Shepard's mentality. _Even Ashley, who claimed to love me, couldn't find it in herself to join me instead hating what I've had to become._

Reaching for her overturned picture Shepard stayed his hand before quickly withdrawing it and clenching it into a fist to stop the trembling. Pushing away from his desk Shepard slowly stood and went to the fish tank staring into it for several minutes before a smile spread across his face. _Well, it looks like Morinth hasn't been doing her job well enough, perhaps I should see if she'll be more effective now that her arm is out of that cast._ Having finally shaken himself out of his reverie Shepard grabbed a piece of cloth and made sure his knife was in its ankle sheath before heading out the door.

Morinth's heart quickened as she saw Shepard enter her lair in starboard observation; of all her prey over the last 400 years he was by far the most powerful… and thrilling. An unfamiliar sense of regret washed over Morinth as she realized that soon her time with Shepard would end; but this emotion was quickly replaced as the thought of absorbing Shepard's powerful essence flooded her mind with lust overwhelming the tickle of remorse. This had not been a quick hunt; but now her arm was healed and Shepard had come into her territory rather than calling her to his room. Yes, it was a perfect time to once again test the commander's remarkable ability to resist her.

Smiling predatorily Shepard watched Morinth undress before ordering her to turn around. As always, Morinth feigned obedience silently lowered herself onto the couch with her back facing him. Then something new happened; Shepard began putting a blindfold over her eyes. Pulling away Morinth's movements ended as she once again felt Shepard's knife pressing against her warningly, furious she held still as he finished covering her eyes.

Once again Shepard had beaten her, using something as simple as a blindfold to render Morinth incapable of making the eye contact necessary to rip the soul out of him impossible. Every time she had reached up to undo the blindfold Shepard had noticed her movement and reminded Morinth of his control over her by choking her until she returned her hand to its previous location. Defeat was a bitter pill but one make more palatable to Morinth as she anticipated the ecstasy and power her eventual success would bring.

As usual after having sating their lusts Shepard and Morinth curled up together reveling in the afterglow left by their collision. There was never any tenderness in the embrace, simply a raw passion that frequently built until it resulted in another round of rough sex. Today though, Morinth sensed something different in Shepard's touch; a sense of unease which had no place in the commander's normally dominating presence. He held her tighter, _almost as if he was afraid to let go of me,_ though Morinth. Knowing better than to question his emotions Morinth held her tongue, perhaps whatever this was would distract Shepard more than sex had providing her an opportunity to gain control over him and complete the meld.

"How do you handle such a solitary life?" Shepard asked quietly finally breaking the increasingly tense silence.

Morinth was surprised; lately Shepard had been confiding in her about subjects such as the crew, the mission and so forth but this was unexpectedly personal. _Perfect, his defenses are lowering. Now's my chance, as much as I'll miss him I want Shepard's power far more; time to lure him in with half-truths and compassion._

"I get lonely at times…I can never really feel the love of another, at least not for long. I don't suppose there's anything I can do about that." Morinth finished injecting false sadness into her words knowing they would resonate with Shepard's feeling of loss over this Ashley woman.

"But I want you to know something: my lovers spent their last moments experiencing pleasure you can't imagine. Like Nef, she died because her nervous system overloaded with an ecstasy so great she couldn't handle it." _Now I've laid the hook, lets see if he bites._

"Why tell me this?" responded Shepard warily. _Damn, I may have pushed too hard, oh well I can't stop now._

"I want to give you that, Shepard, I want to feel every nerve in your body pulsing with pleasure." _There, as close to an admission of love as he'll believe from me. Let's see if this appeal to his_ _loneliness works._

"My mission is too important to risk that, Morinth." he rebuked her.

_Damn it, I have to keep trying. There's still hope, he hasn't broken my arm after all. _"You're different! I sensed it when we first met. You and I can share something so intense, so deep it will change your life."

"Morinth, I can't deny how much I want you." _Success, oh this will be satisfying._

Turning to face him as she stood Morinth removed her blindfold, her hopes jumping when Shepard didn't stop her from taking it off. "Do you really mean it? You'll be with me?" she inquired with genuine enthusiasm in her tone.

"I will"

"Come here, Shepard." she whispered huskily as she pulled him up from the couch into her arms.

Once again she let her eyes turned black, "Embrace…"

Gasping Morinth looked down to where Shepard had stabbed his knife all the way into her thigh before turning her disbelieving gaze, the black bleeding out of it, to his face. Looking at her gravely Shepard spoke ignoring her pain,

"I thought about Ashley earlier tonight, I still miss her."

Falling silent Shepard unconsciously twisted the knife in Morinth's leg causing her to fall down with a cry of pain. Looking puzzled for a moment Shepard saw her blood and finally knelt beside her as he seemed to remember that he had stabbed her. Callously wrenching the knife from her and wiping it clean on the inside of her leg he continued in a far away voice talking to the asari as she curled up in pain grasping her wounded thigh,

"You have not failed completely, I no longer dream of the nights I spent with Ash…that void is being filled; the physical pleasure you have shown me has replaced that loss. The dreams are now of the moments we spent together simply taking comfort in the other's presence. That is what I need now and your doctrine of lust has not given me that."

"I did not fail you; your own weakness that demands you not be alone failed you. My system is proven; I have enjoyed life for centuries with no attachments. The pleasure I experience from filling my desires more than makes up for a lack of attachment." argued Morinth fearful that Shepard would see her has useless, just as he had her mother, and that she would lose her chance to take his essence in a joining.

Shepard looked at Morinth sadly before removing a unit of medigel from his pocket and applying it to her leg. "That is because you have never loved someone. While lust is certainly a part of it there is something more; and it is this factor that base desire is not replacing. I will continue to use you to find carnal pleasure but I now realize that I need to find another sensation to fully replace Ashley."

Once again Shepard fell silent and his attention wandered from Morinth. Thinking he was done talking to her Morinth began to crawl towards her desk for some painkillers when she was stopped by Shepard gently taking her hand.

"I do, of course, need to punish you for attempting to kill me again." he said, Shepard's gentle grip becoming unyielding as he slowly applied pressure to one of Morinth's fingers until he heard it give a pop. Shooting Morinth a look of warning that froze her as she began to pull away he reached to dislocate another finger.

* * *

Jacob entered the captain's quarters eying the commander hunched over his desk warily. Steeling himself to confront Shepard about Samara's murder Jacob began, "Commander, I need to talk to you. Have to clear the air, you know."

"What are you talking about Jacob?" Shepard asked wearily not taking his eyes off the picture on his desk.

"Samara, I know what you did," accused Jacob, his voice rising as he continued. "How could you, she was a teammate, she trusted you! And you killed her freeing a monster in the process."

"Oh, that. Yeah, well I had my reasons."

"Care to elaborate commander, because I'm just not comfortable following orders from the kind of man who betrays squad mates." Jacob demanded.

Finally giving Jacob his entire attention Shepard debated his options. He could always kill Jacob; no, Miranda, Tali and Kasumi would rebel over that. Perhaps he could deny it; but no, Jacob wouldn't have come to him without proof. That left convincing Jacob it was the right thing and to keep his mouth shut about it.

"Fine, I'll tell you why. Samara promised to kill me after the mission was over. I can't go into battle with someone who wants me dead watching my back."

"What, she said that? Why?" asked Jacob.

"Because I violated her stupid Code. So, I replaced her."

"Not good enough, commander; how am I supposed to know you won't 'replace' anyone else?"

"Well, unless the rest of the crew all start criticizing me and threatening to kill me and then turn out to have body doubles with deadly biotics and fabulous breasts the situation with Samara really wouldn't be analogous." chuckled Shepard. "I made the right choice, I always do. That is why Cerberus brought me back, I get the job done. Now that you know the truth don't tell anyone else, it would hurt morale and not everyone can control their emotions enough to understand my logic."

Mulling over Shepard's words Jacob slowly nodded, "Right, it's above my pay grade to second guess you anyways. I won't tell anyone, sir."


	7. Chapter 7: Ubi Aestus Recessit

**A/N: As always, please review. Positive reinforcement is nice but criticism will result in improvements.**

UBI AESTUS RECESSIT

Leaving Morinth's quarters Shepard released a frustrated growl at the continued sense of loneliness he couldn't seem to shake. It was a new sensation for him. Prior to his death Shepard had always had companions who he had been able to share his concerns with; at first it had been family and childhood friends on Mindoir, after their murder his fellow soldiers had been a family, and finally his crew on the original Normandy had been a family. _And perhaps one of them would have become a _real_ family member if the Collectors hadn't killed him interrupting his tentative hope._ This new crew was not family.

None of the Cerberus crew was trustworthy and of his squad mates only Garrus came close to family. Realizing that the ends did justify the means Garrus provided some support to Shepard; but even he had been alienated by the pleasure Shepard took in causing pain in others giving him to give disapproving glances as Shepard reveled in the slaughter he created. Others were more accepting of Shepard's taste for pain but they were not his friends; Morinth had tried to kill him three times now (including on Omega), Zaeed was following him for money, and both Grunt and Jack would kill him if they felt he was weak or simply got too bored.

Shepard felt regret and sadness welling up inside him and determined to quash the uncomfortable feelings. Telling EDI to assemble Jack, Grunt, and Zaeed Shepard headed for the makeshift brig they had installed in the hanger bay to rendezvous with his 'torture team'. Because the Normandy was in 'civilized' space there had been no serious action for a while and Shepard was running out of mercs as Morinth took her toll; if he wanted to replace his unwanted emotions with hate and suffering he had to do it now, before Morinth consumed the supply of victims.

Wiping blood from his face Shepard surveyed his squad finishing up with an approving nod. Grunt was amusing himself seeing how far a salarian's arm would bend before snapping comparing it to the human merc's arm he had broken earlier. Zaeed was displaying his expertise as he taught Shepard how to slide a blade underneath a batarian's shoulder blade to hit the dense nerve cluster there, it was no easy trick and Shepard kept missing and slicing the rotator cuff. And Jack, who was currently playing with a human whose erogenous zones she had stabbed pieces of metal into through which she was now running electricity.

* * *

No, not family but they were a fun group. Reminding them to not kill the prisoners Shepard left the cell with a pleasant buzz of anger. Enjoying the lack of emotional torment Shepard relaxed in his quarters checking over his mail; seeing a letter forwarded from the Alliance Shepard opened it curiously. He did not move for two hours, Ashley's words echoing in his head. _'How could you even think I would still love you? You abandoned me two years ago to join the enemy; you are no longer the man I loved. I hate what you have become and if I see you again I will take you into the custody of the Alliance.'_

Staring with unseeing eyes at the screen Shepard tried to convince himself the letter meant nothing, that it only confirmed what had happened at Horizon. The emotions suppressed by the torture session came back stronger than they had ever been. The final, quiet note of beauty Shepard had allowed himself to harbor, Hope, died. As it flickered out all that remained within Shepard was the ugliness of overwhelming desire, rage, and despair. He needed more prisoners.

* * *

"Damn it, Miranda; look at what you've done to him with that letter. It's been getting worse for the last week, he hasn't even come out of his room for three days since that disastrous mission to get Thane's son." the enraged quarian yelled.

"Look, we both knew this was going to happen, you wanted it to happen; now it's up to you to fix it. Have you even tried to talk to him or am I going to have to do it for you already?" replied the Cerberus agent.

"How could I talk to him, Shepard hasn't come down to engineering this whole time."

"So? Go to him, foolish girl."

Tali's angry gesticulating instantly became the familiar nervous wringing of her hands as she stuttered out an excuse about how it would be improper to go to her captain's quarters without an invitation, especially as they were both single and of marriageable age. Having allowed the quarian to ramble on Miranda finally lost her patience and cut Tali short,

"I do not care about your silly customs. If you can't find the determination to overcome this absurd taboo what chance do you have of making an interspecies relationship work?" voice dripping contempt Miranda spitefully added, "Surely this is covered in one of those revolting extranet sites you've visited. If I do not hear from EDI that you have approached Shepard by the end of the day I will see to him myself."

* * *

"H, Hello? Are you in here? Shepard?" stepping further into the unlit room Tali wrinkled her nose at the sharp smell which managed to pierce her suit's filters, its familiarity teasing her memory. Turning the lights to their dimmest setting Tali saw Shepard slumped over his desk, paper scattered about and computers smashed. Nervously approaching him Tali's hand shot up to her mouthpiece as she tried to choke back the tears which threatened to break out as she finally placed the smells of blood and heat sinks.

"Keelah, no, he couldn't have." As she approached his still form Tali's body became rigid as she steeled herself for the expected sight. The dim lighting revealed Shepard leaning forward in his chair sprawled across the desk with one arm dangling down towards the floor, a bottle shattered on the floor under his hand lying where it had fallen. In his other hand, which was draped in front of his face, he loosely held a pistol which glowed green indicating shredder ammunition. His head was resting in a pool of drying blood.

Panic seizing her Tali rushed forwards telling EDI to get Dr. Chakwas and to turn the lights to full brightness. Her hands hovering helplessly over the commander Tali took a moment to force herself to calm down and look at the situation carefully. The side of his face she could see was intact, as was his skull. Placing a hand on his back as she leaned forward trying to get a view of the wound Tali suddenly gave a startled squeal and jumped back as she felt Shepard's back rise and fall in shallow breaths. Shaking off her shock Tali brought up her omnitool to record his vital signs as she waited for the doctor. Once finished with her scans Tali's contacted Miranda to inform her of Shepard's condition, but mostly to just scream blame at the Cerberus agent for this disaster, Miranda promptly hung up on her.

* * *

Several hours later the doctor emerged from the medbay placing a comforting hand on Tali's shoulder as she spoke, "He'll pull through; lucky for him his blood work was a cocktail of ryncol and hallex. He was higher than a kite, thank God; it made him unable to hold the pistol steady in his mouth. Instead of pointing up into his skull his shaky hands must have let it fall to the side before he pulled the trigger. Rather than blowing the back of his head off all the bullet did was tear through his cheek shattering his teeth and _maxilla_." reported the doctor, seeing Tali's confusion she continued,

"That's the upper jawbone. I've pieced together his bone, fabricated replacement teeth, and placed skin grafts over the wound. He needs rest for a couple of weeks but, thanks to modern medicine he'll be physically fine soon; though I'm guessing Kelly's part in healing him will be more difficult and will take much longer. Fortunately Miranda was able to call a combat drill so the crew are at their stations and haven't seen the commander's condition. I'm sending him back to his quarters before the drill ends to avoid the rumors that would start flying if Shepard stayed in the med bay; but that means I'll need to organize a suicide watch for him."

"Don't worry about that doctor, I'll stay with him." answered Tali quickly as she rolled the gurney Shepard laid on out of the med bay. _Oh, Keelah I thought he had died again._

The strength of the relief she felt startled Tali; lately there had been many occasions when she had secretly hoped Shepard would die, it would solve so many problems and relieve her of the conflicting feelings he inspired in her. Seeing him lying there looking so broken Tali thought she could see the man she used to know, and love. Gone in rest was the sadistic psychopath who had left a bloody wake across the galaxy over the past several months, all that remained was a man in need of help. _He needs me, just as I have needed him so many times in the past; if I turn away from him now I would be as bad a monster as he has become. Miranda's plans can go to hell. I will not exploit his vulnerable state by seducing him, as if I'd even know how. No, I will be his friend; and if I am successful he will once again be the man I fell in love with…and if I'm lucky perhaps he might finally notice me. _

Carefully maneuvering the gurney down the stairs in his room Tali placed it at the foot of Shepard's bed. As Shepard slept Tali settled herself onto his couch waiting for him to awaken. All night she sat there, her vigil frequently interrupted by bursts of frenetic cleaning as she drained nervous energy. By morning the room was once again in a livable state and Tali felt her spirits rise as the freshly cleaned environment seemed a good omen for Tali's next task of cleansing her captain's soul.

* * *

A sedated Shepard lay on his bed while the Normandy's officers gathered in his quarters, Tali had refused to leave his side to go to the conference room, to discuss what should be done about this new development. Miranda looked at the small circle of people who knew the truth about Shepard's condition as she thought about what to do. Making eye contact with Chakwas and Kelly Miranda started the meeting,

"Dr. Chakwas, Yeoman Chambers, how long until you expect Shepard to be in a condition to resume his duties?"

"Medically he is healing well and should be able to resume moderate activity in a week, though it will take several more weeks for Shepard to return to battle readiness." replied Chakwas in a crisp, professional tone.

The room's attention turned to Kelly as she began in a much less assured voice, "I can not give a timetable of any sort. Psychology is not an exact science making predictions for his rate of recovery impossible, additionally I do not even know the cause of his suicide attempt and until I can diagnose that it is impossible to begin treating him."

"We cannot afford to waste time as Shepard recovers. Yeoman, as soon as he regains consciousness you will begin to treat him and hopefully it will be enough because once his body is ready we need him to return to the fight immediately, there can be no psych leaves on this mission."

"Miranda, I can't work under…" Kelly began to object.

"I have assumed temporary command Yeoman Chambers; you will refer to me as Operative Lawson."

"Yes, ma'am…I'll do my best within your timeframe."

"Good. I suggest we use this time to scan for resources and rest the crew. Thoughts?" asked Miranda.

"Yeah, morale will suffer if the crew finds out about this. Already there are rumors flying and, despite whatever measures are taken, on a frigate the truth will always get out in time. We need to get him off the ship and separated from the crew." added Jacob.

"We could send him to a Cerberus base and keep him under observation there."

"No good, Miranda. You know we can't contact another Cerberus cell, it would compromise mission security. We need somewhere secure that is separate from Cerberus and hidden from our enemies, both the Collectors, the various merc groups we've pissed off, and even the Council and Alliance."

The air shimmered as Miranda, Kelly, Chakwas, Tali, and Jacob turned in surprise to see Kasumi sitting at the couch. Smiling at them she spoke, "Why so surprised? A secret meeting only the officers are attending…as if I could resist that. You all seem to forget that I'm a master thief. Oh, that reminds me, Jacob here's the AI core's clock."

The entire room watched as Jacob shifted awkwardly and developed a sudden fascination with Shepard's fish tank. Drawing the officers' attention back to her, much to Jacob's relief, Kasumi continued, "Donovan Hock's estate is still empty, we could use that for a while. Besides Bekenstein's security is pretty tight it will give us a better chance to hide Shepard from being found."

"No, we can't waste resources on renting a mansion."

"Miranda, please…I'm a _thief_, whoever said anything about renting. I'll slip into the capital city, find Hock's old bank and steal the title to the property, that will confuse any officials from kicking us out long enough for Shepard to finish healing." Kasumi continued, refusing to let her idea be refused.

Finally Miranda relented but added some orders of her own just to emphasize that despite accepting Kasumi's advice she remained in charge. "Okay, we'll go to Bekenstein. A skeleton crew will come with me and scout for resources, the rest of the crew will receive two weeks leave on Bekenstein. The away team will be divided to provide security both aboard the Normandy and at Hock's estate. Operative Taylor, you will command the operation on Bekenstein, inform Garrus that he will be acting as your security chief. I'll tell Zaeed he'll be in charge of the Normandy's security detail. Jacob, report to my office and we'll decide who stays on the Normandy and who goes to Bekenstein. Dismissed."

As the officers left Miranda pretended to not hear Kasumi's comment about her commanding nature being overcompensation, or Jacobs strangled laughter. Turning to Tali Miranda took her anger at their mockery out on the alien. "Two weeks, that's what you have to work with. If Shepard isn't down the road of recovery when I return your mission will be a failure and I will take Shepard for my own."


	8. Chapter 8: Mea Culpa

**A/N: It has been pointed out to me that EDI would have known of the suicide attempt before Tali found Shepard. My reasoning to the contrary is that in the game EDI couldn't detect Morinth's replacement of Samara, presumably because her room had been cleared of spying devices. It follows then that EDI wouldn't be able to monitor Shepard's room either if it too had been cleared of spying devices as I said it was for the purposes of this story. Hope this clears up the plot flaw and thank you for the reviews, keep 'em coming.**

MEA CULPA

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Come in, please. Take a seat."

Ashley darted into the sparsely furnished room hesitantly making sure no one had seen her enter. Nervously she sat in the offered chair as the man in civilian clothing watched her before finally breaking the silence.

"So, what brings you here, child?" the chaplain asked gently.

"I…I have a question." seeing him patiently wait for an explanation Ashley let out a sigh and continued, "Is it possible for a soul to return to this world from death?"

"Interesting question, no doubt there's a story behind it. Before we continue let me say that I am a military chaplain. This means that, my personal beliefs aside, I have been trained to provide spiritual support for members of any religion. Is there a particular belief system's view on this matter that you would like me to restrict myself to or are any open to discussion? Tell me about your beliefs."

"Any, I suppose. I was raised Christian but personally I believe in an omnipotent, monotheistic deity. I guess I do not follow any one doctrine." Ashley replied, her usual reticence towards discussing this subject relaxed by the chaplain's calm, accepting demeanor.

"Okay, first things first; what are your views on the immortality of the soul, Chief?"

"I suppose I believe that each of us has a 'soul' and that, yes, it is immortal and returns to God once we die."

"Just about every major religion agrees with you so. Now to my mind, if accepting the eternal existence of the soul, the other factor in your question is the way that it returns to this world. It is here that differences in beliefs begin to manifest. For example Christianity states the soul is judged being sent to either heaven or hell until the end of the world when it is bodily resurrected. Despite many differences Islam's teachings are broadly analogous to Christianity's in this area. A wholly different tradition is Hinduism; which teaches that the soul is sent to inhabit a different body, the quality of which is determined by the judgment of the soul's previous actions."

"I understand, but what I meant was could a soul re-inhabit its body if that body were to be given life." interrupted Ashley.

"Hmm, is this perhaps in regards to the geth husks? I have had similar questions about this perversion of life before and I understand that your unit just returned from destroying a geth outpost."

"Not quite, sir." she answered, feeling uncomfortable at the man's perceptive line of questioning.

"But I'm close aren't I?" the chaplain asked, holding up a hand as Ashley began to interrupt. "I know, I know…Since you don't seem to be asking about husks or the questions I normally get from soldiers seeking reassurance as they face their mortality and fear before battle I can only assume that what prompted your question is classified."

Gratefully Ashley nodded before the man continued.

"There is so much in this expanded galaxy which religion has yet to satisfactorily address."Heaving a sigh the chaplain leaned back and fixed his stare on Ashley. "I suppose it all comes down to one thing: God's power. You said that you believe in an _omnipotent_ deity. From this it follows that no matter which religious doctrine you adhere to, regardless of its writings, teachings, and traditions, to declare that a soul cannot return in this life back to its body if God so desires is to limit God's power. Personally I believe that to restrict God's actions in accordance with _human interpretations_ of God's wisdom as revealed in holy writings speaks to our arrogance as we attempt to shackle God's power to human comprehension. So…yes, I believe what you ask could be possible. Anything could be."

Hearing this Ashley abruptly stood and left the military chapel hoping to make it to her room before breaking down. She knew the chaplain was right; she just hadn't been able to articulate her beliefs. This meant that the new Shepard could actually be _Shepard_. And that she had rejected him at the time when Shepard had needed her most.

"Sir, Shepard is recovering on Bekenstein and everythi

* * *

ng is going according to plan."

"Very good Miranda; this suicide attempt is troubling, however. You should have expected this possibility." the Illusive Man's image reprimanded her causing Miranda to stiffen in displeasure.

"Of course, sir; but despite it being unforeseen it has turned out to work in our favor. Tali's commitment to helping Shepard had been wavering; this desperate call for help has strengthened her resolve to help him and his vulnerability seems to have appealed to her nurturing instinct renewing her affection for Shepard." Miranda reported with detachment.

"Good, just beware of Shepard becoming too attached to Tali." warned the Illusive Man.

"Yes sir, but I do not expect it to be a problem. Judging from the…appetites…Shepard has exhibited I do not think a platonic relationship with an alien confined to her suit will satisfy him for long."

Giving her a piercing stare with his artificial blue eyes the Illusive Man continued, "I hope you're right. Remember, I refused to implant a control chip in his brain; but I did put one aboard his ship."

Miranda smiled as the connection was cut, "Of course, sir."

* * *

"Leave me alone."

"I can't, the Alliance paid my rather exorbitant fee so that you and I could talk about this." came the patient reply.

"Leave me alone. I don't want to talk." was the weary reply.

"Ashley, I'll lay it out for you. There is no way for you to return to active status without being cleared for duty by me. Now if you don't want to talk I'll sit here and say nothing for the next 56 minutes, just like I have the other times we've met. But if you feel that perhaps, by some miracle unlooked for, today you want to talk I'll listen." The sound of creaking leather reached Ashley's ears as the considerable weight of the psychologist settled into a more comfortable position, where it would stay for the next 55 minutes, as it had the other two times.

"Sounds good…you don't happen to have any relaxation music do you? It helps me sleep." sneered Ashley as she too resettled herself into her overstuffed chair and closed her eyes.

"Why do you want to sleep, Ashley?"

"Because I'll remember him." she whispered.

The psychologist's chair again protested at his movement as he leaned forward towards Ashley. "Excuse me, could you repeat that? I couldn't hear you."

"Because I'm tired; why else would someone want to sleep?"

"Have you been sleeping well lately?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, better than ever."

"Have you been especially active today?"

"What do you think? I'm on enforced leave on a space station; I'm itching for something to happen!" came the acerbic answer.

"Does exercise or other recreation help this 'itch'?"

"No, I can't find anything I want to do and working out doesn't seem as fun as it used to."

"So you're constantly feeling tired but also restless and are not finding pleasure in activities you used to enjoy. What else are you…"

"Fuck you doc, I'm going to sleep." Ashley snapped.

"Irritability, another symptom-soon I'll need to start taking notes."

_"I'll be outside if you need me, sir." I saluted Captain Anderson and was leaving the med bay sending a backwards glance at Commander Shepard when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning I saw Dr…Chakwas, that's her name, smiling at me as she began to speak._

_"See anything you like?"_

_"Wha…I, uh no. I mean yes, I'm relieved the Commander appears to be fit…ah, for duty I mean."_

_"Of course Chief, he certainly is _fit_, and it is ever so good to see that." the doctor said as she…she winked at me; damn it this was not a good start on a new ship._

_I nervously waited at the mess table for either Anderson or Shepard to leave the med bay when a different man approached me. As he came closer I recognized him as the other man who had been on Eden Prime, Shepard had called him Alenko. Seeing his rank insignia I came to attention throwing him a salute. Smiling he waved my hand down, his friendly demeanor putting me at ease, until he spoke. "I just talked with Dr. Chakwas, it seems Shepard will be…fit…for duty soon."_

_Seeing my reddening cheeks Alenko gently laughed before he became serious. "We lost a man, Jenkins, down there; I know you lost a whole lot more, but I can sympathize. If you need to talk please don't hold back, this crew's only been together a short time but it's already like a family. Any of us would be glad to help."_

_Being reminded of recent events I thanked Alenko for his offer but realized I just wanted some time alone. As I turned to leave for the quiet confines of the storage deck I saw Shepard emerge from the med bay and begin heading towards me._

_"I'm glad you're okay, commander. The crew could use some good news after what happened to Jenkins." His face darkened at that memory and I kicked myself for bringing it up so callously._

_"Jenkins was a valuable part of this crew." he intoned in a falsely calm voice._

_"Part of me feels guilty over what happened. If Jenkins was still alive, I might not be here."_

_Frowning at my words I was afraid he'd agree with me but he simply said, "You're a good soldier, Williams. You belong on the Normandy."_

_"Thanks, Commander. That means a lot from you." Maybe what Alenko said was true; so far everyone was very supportive, except that devil woman Chakwas. Pushing aside that uncomfortable memory I realized that Shepard was still in front of me, and looking at me very closely._

_His voice soft he continued, "Things were pretty rough down there. Are you okay?"_

_After having assured Shepard that I was as good as could be expected I felt the need to thank him for taking the time to talk to me, even though he had his own sorrow with Jenkin's death. "Thanks Commander. I have to admit, I was a little worried about being assigned to the Normandy, it's nice when someone makes you feel welcome."_

_Shepard nodded as he continued to look me in the eyes. Finally he said, "I know what you're going through."_

_Seeing Ashley's skeptical look at that statement Shepard appeared to feel that his credibility was on the line and explained. "I'm from Mindoir." Seeing my understanding he went on, "As I was saying, losing everyone and finding yourself surrounded by strangers isn't easy. But please, do not seclude yourself; this ship is now your family and we will help you get through this. You never need to be alone here, find me or anyone else whenever you need to talk; though I do suggest avoiding Joker for any topic more serious than complaining about the rations."_

* * *

_Shepard was torn up, the whole crew was but especially Shepard. For the second time my place on the Normandy, at his side, was only possible because of the death of another. First Jenkins and now Kaidan had died with me reaping the benefits of their deaths each time; the crew must hate me, Shepard must hate me. I sat in solitude by the weapons lockers wanting to talk to someone, but of the two crewmembers I knew best one was dead because of me and the other knew who was to blame for his death and surely wouldn't want to help me._

_Hearing familiar footsteps approaching me I tensed before forcing myself to feign indifference as I continued to clean guns. Hearing him stop behind me my heart plummeted expecting him at best to inform me that I was being transferred off the Normandy, at worst that he would explicitly blame me for Alenko's death agreeing with me that I should have been the one to die on Virmire. While I ordinarily loved to hear Shepard agree with me I would rather not hear him echo that sentiment._

_"How are you holding up?" his voice, full of concern, asked._

_I turn to him confused at his line of questioning before I decide he must be looking for an excuse that would allow him to apply me for a discharge. My first response is to lie and say I'm fine, but then I decide that if he wants me off his ship I'll go; there would be no reason to stay, so I tell the truth._

_"Can't say I'm better, I just don't want any deaths on my hands and…it's my fault." There, now he has the excuse he needs to get me of his ship._

_Shepard stepped towards me as I tried to not flinch away while he spoke, his voice full of the expected anger pouring over me, "Williams, listen to me. I'm in command of this mission, I made the call. Not you. He's dead because of me."_

_As he speaks I can smell alcohol on his breath and looking up I notice his bloodshot eyes and their unusually small pupils. I look at him in shock; he blames himself, not me. As he walks away I begin to silently cry realizing that I'd let him down, he needed comfort, reassurance and I was sitting down here abandoning him. A few audible sobs escape me and echo through the storage deck as I promise to never fail him again. My reverie is broken as the damn krogan hears me and simply shakes his massive head, "Humans. Soft."_

* * *

_Most of the crew was celebrating, and why not, after all they had just killed a Reaper, saved the council, the Citadel, and the whole galaxy- all at the same time. Not a bad day's work I thought, smiling. Waiting outside the med bay where Chakwas had finished patching me up I saw Shepard finally come out of the med bay with his arm in a sling. As I watched him cross the mess heading towards his cabin my smile widened remembering last night as we waited to reach Ilos. Not a bad day at all._

_Deciding to check up on the commander's injured arm I followed him to his cabin, I'd always enjoyed victory sex. Smiling I entered the room to see Shepard sitting at his desk staring blankly at his computer. As I approached him my smile faltered as he continued to ignore me; finally I was standing right behind him but something about his body language warned me against playfully covering his eyes while kissing his neck as I had intended._

_"Shepard?" I quietly asked._

_After a moment he emerged from his thoughts and seemed to notice me for the first time. "Ashley, what are you doing here? You should be celebrating with the rest of the crew; that was a hell of a battle, you've earned it."_

_Frowning at Shepard's dispassionate voice I settled myself on his bed trying to figure out what was wrong. The silence lengthened and became uncomfortable until I finally broke it. "I do want to celebrate the victory, with you."_

_A brief smile graced his face hearing this and he finally turned from his computer to look at me. The smile vanished as he seemed considered his words before he spoke. "I'm not in much of a celebratory mood, Ash. Go join the crew; I'll come by in a little bit."_

_"I don't think so, Skipper. I'm celebrating with you; so, unless you tell me what's bothering you so that we can work it out together, than it looks like neither of us will be joining the celebrations today." I replied giving him a cheeky smirk._

_"Leave me alone, Ashley." he tiredly sighed._

_"No, remember that whole 'the Normandy is a family' thing? Well, even though what we did before Ilos would technically be illegal between relatives I'm still here. Now, tell me what's bothering you." My tone serious I hoped the joke would help him relax and open up to me. It seemed to work as Shepard shifted uncomfortably before speaking._

_"I gave the order, the one that sent thousands of Alliance personnel to their deaths saving the damn Council. I should have focused them on Sovereign, casualties would have been avoided if I kept our forces united rather than sending some off the save that worthless Council." pausing he drew in a shaky breath before continuing, "It's my fault, my responsibility that the geth destroyed those Alliance ships and their crews."_

_I stood and walked towards Shepard grabbing his uninjured arm and dragged him towards the bed pulling him down to sit next to me. Still holding his hand I thought of what to say that could ease that pain. Simply saying 'it's not your fault' wouldn't suffice, I needed to formulate an argument that would convince Shepard he had done the right thing._

_"I would have made the same decision, Commander. The Alliance lost a lot of men, true, but they were soldiers and they did their duty. Maybe the Council wasn't worth their lives but the crews of the turian fleet and the Destiny Ascension were fellow soldiers and in return for several thousand lives your decision saved tens of thousands aboard damaged ships the geth were about to destroy. Hell, there were ten thousand asari aboard the Destiny Ascension, that alone outnumbers the Alliance's casualties. You saved your fellow soldiers, the Council just happened to be saved as well. You did nothing wrong, there is nothing to regret. The dead's sacrifice was not in vain, now all we can do is honor the memory of the fallen."_

_Hoping my words were effective I waited anxiously for Shepard's reaction. It did not take long as I felt his good arm circle my waist pressing me against him as he spoke seriously. "Thank you, Ash. Of course you're right; I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. Thank you for not leaving me alone."_

_I squeaked in surprise as I felt his arm, which had left my waist, grab my shoulder and drag me down onto my back as he, too, fell backwards onto the bed. Before I could protest Shepard had sprung onto his knees and was straddling my waist looking down at me as he moved his face towards mine. _

_"You might not be my sister, but perhaps you can be an appropriately distant cousin." he chuckled before his lips found mine._

Ashley woke up as the doctor called her name informing her that their hour was up. Torn from her dreams Ashley quickly wiped stray tears from her eyes hoping the doctor didn't notice, if he did he at least had the decency to not comment on it. As Ashley reached the door she paused turning her head back to the room, roughly trying to swallow past the knot which had formed in her throat.

"I feel guilty." Ashley managed.

"I know, I'll talk to you tomorrow, Ashley. Remember, you don't have to do this alone; you're family loves you, your squad cares for you, and I'm here …let us help you."

Ashley turned and was out the door before the doctor could see her tears burst their banks and flow down her cheeks.


	9. Chapter 9: Animula

ANIMULA

_"Ash, is that you?"_

_"For God's sake, what are you doing here?" came the exasperated response._

_"I, I…ah, look I just wanted to tell you that I missed you. I'm sorry; I should have found some way to contact you sooner than Horizon." Shepard hesitantly began, offering an olive branch._

_"I'm glad you didn't reach me, it gave me a few extra weeks of believing you had died a hero. Instead I find out that rather than going down with the ship the commander lets his crew die as he betrays them." she replied taking the branch and stabbing him with it._

_"I didn't betray anyone, you have to believe m; I did die with the ship."_

_"Yet here you are…and with Cerberus." Ashley replied coldly._

_"I know it looks bad but I explained it on Horizon…Look, Ash I love you; that hasn't changed, I haven't changed. Isn't there some way I can turn back the clock to when you felt the same?" he begged._

_"Yes, there is."_

_Hope swelling within him Shepard began to smile, "How? Just tell me what do I need to do."_

_"Die again. I loved you when you were dead; if only you were dead you'd be the man I loved again."_

_"Okay, Ashley, I can do that for you."_

* * *

"He's waking up!"

Shepard felt pain burning through him, again. Opening his eyes he tried to blink away the blurriness that fogged his vision as he reached a hand up to explore the cause of the painful sensations playing across his face. A hand gently but firmly restrained his wandering arm urging him to remain still.

Mind emerging from an opiate induced haze Shepard panicked at the all too familiar situation he found himself in. Somehow he just knew that a woman…Miranda, that's her name…would hover over him urging him to relax even as the tension in the room intensified to match his increasing pain. Sure enough, a figure appeared at the edge of his vision calling frantically to an unseen figure.

"God damn it, not again!" Shepard roared as he forced himself upright against the restraining hands. Pain shot through him as the movement of this mouth tore open freshly formed scar tissue. Squeezing his eyes shut against the pain Shepard slumped back to the surface he had been lying on.

"Please, not again. I can't help you, let me rest." he begged to the room.

"Shepard, calm down. Everything's all right, you're going to be okay." came a familiar voice, a voice that did not match up with his earlier memories of awakening.

"It's the Hallex withdrawal, the sedation was masking it until he woke up." a second voice stated.

Once more opening his eyes Shepard's vision had cleared enough to make out the figures around his bed as those belonging to Tali and Dr. Chakwas. Confusion ran through him; wasn't this supposed to be a Cerberus base, and where was Miranda shouldn't she be here for this part? Shepard was torn out of his musing as he felt something gripping his ribs tightly and resting on his chest.

"Keelah, thank the Ancestors you're alright. We've been so worried about you, haven't we doctor?"

Looking down at the top of Tali's shrouded helmet and then craning his neck to see Chakwas Shepard slowly allowed his mind to accept that this was reality. He reached down taking Tali's shoulders and pushing her up off him as he sat upright. Slowly memories began to return to him; Ashley's letter, alcohol and drugs, and finally the pistol. Shepard realized he should be surprised that he was alive, but somehow it felt to him as if to expect anything else was merely wishful thinking. Opening his mouth Shepard slowly reached his hand up to try and figure out just what went wrong with his attempted suicide.

Seeing his movement and confused look Chakwas gently held Shepard's hand stopping it from reaching the newly reopened wound on his face as she told Tali to bring 'her' in. Having allowed Chakwas to lower his arm Shepard looked up to see Kelly quickly enter the room followed closely followed by Tali.

"Shepard, how do you feel?" Kelly inquired brightly, too brightly for Shepard's current mood.

"I'm alive." he responded flatly.

"Yes you are, and you have Tali to thank for that; and the doctor's hard work of course." Kelly quickly added as she nodded at the pair of women dismissing them from the room. After one last survey of the medical equipment Chakwas left followed by a reluctant Tali. Making sure the door was closed Kelly returned her attention to Shepard.

"You don't sound happy that you're alive. Want to talk about it?"

"Leave me alone." Shepard brusquely replied.

"If you want; but please, before I leave tell me why you did this to yourself."

"No, you are not my friend or even a doctor tying to help me. You're a Cerberus spy and your type has caused me enough pain without continuing to harass me."

Kelly had expected this sort of attitude and was not put off, making one last appeal as she headed for the door, "Shepard, many would view this as a transformative moment, a second chance as it were."

"That's the problem; it was my second chance I wanted to end."

* * *

Every time Shepard woke up over the next few days there was someone in the room with him. This was an annoyance when Shepard thought it was merely coincidental but as time went on it became infuriating as he began to suspect that coincidence had nothing to do with it and that he had been placed on suicide watch. As this continued it became ever more infuriating because they were right, and with them around there was no way to up the IV drip's sedative without the watcher noticing. While different people seemed to take turns watching over him the majority of the times Shepard woke up it was either Kelly, Chakwas, or, most commonly, Tali making sure he didn't kill himself.

One afternoon Shepard awoke to find Kelly sitting in a chair reading, wearing her uniform with its prominently displayed Cerberus logo. His frustration boiling over Shepard began to speak, the sound of his voice startling Kelly. "Why are you, or someone else, always here, Kelly?"

"Well, we thought it would be best if you weren't alone right now." she answered carefully.

Snorting derisively Shepard continued, "That's not what I meant. I know I'm on suicide watch, what I want to know is why you're so determined to stop me from ending my life on my own terms."

"Because there are so many more things for you to do in your life, if we let you leave now you could never achieve what you're meant to." Kelly replied, seemingly truthfully.

"Fair enough, Kelly." _So, it's as I thought. Cerberus wants me alive until I complete the missions they lay out before me; Illusive Man isn't one to waste a tool, and I'm still useful until the Reapers are destroyed and he is in control of the pieces remaining after their assault._

Just then the door hissed open and Dr. Chakwas entered nodding to Kelly and then looking over to Shepard. "Ah, Commander, it's good to see you awake. How are you feeling today?" she asked professionally.

"Hello, doctor. I just asked Kelly but I'd like to hear your answer as well; why are you so intent on keeping me alive?"

Hiding her surprise at the question quickly Chakwas glanced towards Kelly who gave her a small shrug as she stood to leave the room. Returning her attention to Shepard Chakwas began speaking, "I suppose because it's my duty and instinct as a healer. That combined with respect you earned hunting Saren and Sovereign and I owe it to you to keep you alive through your mental breakdown."

Shepard nodded as he once again rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes ignoring the doctor's worried stare. _That makes sense; make sure no harm comes to the patient even to the point of protecting the patient from himself. Spoken like a true professional._

Waking again several hours later Shepard saw that apparently Chakwas' shift was over and now Tali was back on duty. Deciding to continue his previous inquiries Shepard addressed Tali, "Hello Tali, I was wondering why you've been spending so much time in here making sure I don't kill myself."

"Well…I, I guess because I don't want you to die, again, Shepard." Tali hesitantly answered.

"But I want to die, why do you think you know better than me what I should do?" Shepard continued to probe.

"You…You don't really mean that. The Shepard I knew wouldn't give up like this!"

"So, you're saving the Shepard you knew. What makes you think I'm still that man? I've seen how you've reacted to my actions; you wish that you'd never joined me after Haestrom, I haven't acted like I used to. You know I'm not the man you think wouldn't kill himself, so why still pretend that I'm him?" asked Shepard, enjoying the discomfort these questions brought to Tali.

"I guess I don't believe that the man I knew is completely gone. Sometimes you still act like him; you still help the crew with their problems. And you have saved me again, twice."

"That's because I wanted a strong team for the mission, not because I care about this group of misfits, and saving you was also for the mission." he replied coldly.

"No, I, I can't… I don't believe that. I won't believe that. If you didn't care for anyone why would you even care about the mission's success or failure?" Tali frantically asked as her voice choked up at his harsh words, though whether she was trying to convince Shepard or herself more was unclear to her.

"I tried to kill myself, Tali. Obviously I don't care about the mission that much."

"But you did care before you're attempt if that was your reason for helping your squad. What changed that?" she pressed, though through her involvement with Ashley's letter Tali was sure she already knew the answer.

"Nothing's changed. I just finally reached a decision about this 'second chance' I've been forced into." Shepard answered, his voice sounding hollow even to his ears.

"That's only half true, isn't it? You have reached a decision, but it's because something _did_ change; you are not now and never have been indecisive so it wouldn't have taken you months to decide you no longer cared. And I think I know the reason for the change. After Horizon you became less yourself than before, and now this time I find you in your cabin drunk and bleeding with Ashley's picture in front of you. Something happened with her again, didn't it? Something that made you quit caring about the mission and try to kill yourself." Tali gushed in one pent-up breath.

Only silence answered Tali as the sun set behind the nearby city skyline. Finally Dr. Chakwas returned to the med bay relieving Tali of her watch over Shepard. As Tali stood to leave Shepard finally spoke, "I guess I'll see you later, Tali. Goodnight."

**A/N: Just a short, quick chapter that was too long to include into my last chapter and doesn't fit the next one. I'm rapidly approaching a crossroads for the story and would like your, the reader's, input. There are three endings I have in mind for this story that I can't choose between. Please, in your reviews let me know if you want a dark ending, downright disturbing one, or even a fluffy happy one. If there is an overwhelming preference among those willing to take the time to review it might influence me. Otherwise I'll have to choose myself, and I can't so far…all the endings I'm thinking of are good in their own ways.**


	10. Chapter 10: Commeatus

**A/N: Thought I'd include some humor in this chapter; the plot isn't any lighter, but to breakup the story's gloom the tone of this chapter is. Hope you enjoy. I simply find Grunt amusing, and I wrote some of this while more than a little inebriated. Also thank you for suggestions on the type of ending you want, there has been no clear preference yet so keep making your desire known; I'll let you know when the plot has forced me to decide. Please keep the reviews coming.**

COMMEATUS

"Tali, it's good to see what you've done for Shepard's; he seems, if not happy, at least not clinically depressed." remarked Kelly as the two women sat on Hock's balcony enjoying the scenery. It had been almost two weeks on Bekenstein and this beautiful view had not yet worn out its welcome to the two women, though some crew members had gotten bored lately and gone into town to raise hell. Kelly laughed silently imagining the hapless local police trying to figure out the chaos caused by a bored krogan, biotic psychopath, and ex-SPECTRE.

"Yes, I suppose he is behaving more normally; I don't understand why, though. He hasn't talked to me about what's bothering him or let me help him with anything." Tali replied slowly, interrupting Kelly's amusing train of thought.

"Then what have you two been talking about, if you don't mind me asking?" Kelly pried.

"Not much, I mainly just talk to him about quarian culture and life like I used to on the first Normandy. Sometimes he'll ask questions but I usually just ramble on as he listens." Tali replied.

"Well, simply having a companion must be comforting for him. Miranda told me why she thinks Shepard shot himself and it seems plausible that simply your presence reminds him that there are those who care about him and haven't betrayed him."

"Oh, yes…I suppose you're right." Tali forced out her throat clenching as a dull ache formed in her chest. Quickly excusing herself Tali left Kelly alone on the balcony. _What would you say if Miranda told you the whole story? What would Shepard say?_

Kelly watched the quarian leave wondering at her abrupt departure. As they had been from the moment Shepard had rescued her on Haestrom Tali's feelings towards the Commander were transparent. There was something new, though, and Kelly couldn't quite put her finger on what it was. Tali acted guilty about the possibilities she was afforded by this situation even though she wasn't the one that had abandoned Shepard. Perhaps that was it; maybe there was a quarian social norm Tali was violating that stigmatized benefitting from a rival's self-destruction? Kelly nodded to herself, having analyzed Tali's recent behavior she decided it likely stemmed from guilt. Resolving to speak to Tali about this Kelly stood and began looking for the quarian intent on reassuring her, Shepard needed Tali's attention and it would not help the mission if Tali cut herself off from him due to misplaced guilt.

* * *

It took some time but eventually, with Jacob's help, Kelly was able to use the mansion's security system to find Tali, she was in a coat closet. This demanded Kelly's attention. Retrieving a coat from her room before heading to Tali's location Kelly feigned surprise at seeing the quarian as she opened the door to Tali's closet.

"Oh my, Tali what are you doing in a closet?" Kelly remarked upon seeing Tali crouched in the corner hugging her knees to her chest, her head bolting upright from its resting place on her knees at Kelly's appearance.

Looking up at the Cerberus psychologist in alarm Tali quickly stood from her crouched position attempting to regain some composure and dignity, though the effort failed dismally as the coats already hung up in the closet caught on her head and shoulders draping Tali in a bizarre, riot of clashing colors and textures. Stifling a giggle Kelly helped Tali shrug off her new wardrobe as she repeated her question.

"I, I just like the small space. It's like on the Flotilla, it helps me relax." came the stuttering, embarrassed response.

"That makes sense." Kelly reassured her. "But what made you need to come here to calm down? I noticed you left the balcony rather abruptly, was it something I said?"

"Oh no, it's…something different. I'm sorry to worry you over nothing." the quarian said quickly not wanting Kelly to feel at fault for Tali's own misdeeds.

Picking up on Tali's implication that both what happened on the balcony, and something new had shaken her up enough to cause her to hide in a closet Kelly decided to continue her questioning, after all that's what the Illusive Man paid her to do. "So, what happened after you left that upset you? Please tell me, it _is_ my job to help, you know."

"It won't matter, you can't help me with this, it is not an emotional issue." Tali said before continuing in an increasingly frantic voice, "I need to get back to the Flotilla!"

"Why? If something's wrong I'm sure we can help you, you're our shipmate now, let us help." soothed Kelly, hoping to keep Tali around so that Shepard's recent improvement would have a chance to take root preventing a relapse to the homicidal, suicidal psychopath he had been before Tali had, to a degree, helped calm him down.

"You're right, I need to talk to Shepard, he might help me. Do you know where he is?"

"No, last I saw he was heading into the city with Jack and Grunt. I'll let him know the minute he gets back to talk to you."

Absentmindedly Tali thanked Kelly as she wandered off.

* * *

Jack was having fun, and that meant everyone around her was not. At least it usually meant that, but today there were two others who were also having fun, Grunt and Shepard were enjoying themselves right alongside of Jack. In a rare introspective moment between sending biotic shockwaves at the passing vehicles Jack considered this new situation; it was somehow more fun to have them with her than it was to be alone. Shrugging off the uncomfortable sensation of self analysis Jack turned to Shepard,

"Okay, that orange Batarian State Transport X517 coming this way, see it?"

"Yeah." said Grunt while Shepard nodded.

"Fifty says I can hit refueling station five with it."

"You're on Jack." replied Shepard.

"Hah, explosion." exclaimed the immature krogan clapping his hands together.

Concentrating on the approaching vehicle Jack waited for it to almost draw level with their vantage point before sending a burst of energy at its front sending it spinning towards the refueling station. Amid shouts and screams the vehicle crashed into station three to the dismay of everyone, except Shepard, as fire erupted from the damaged station sending bystanders fleeing.

"Damn it."

"Pay up Jack."

This was another new situation for Jack; all of it was starting to give her a headache. Ordinarily upon losing a bet Jack would simply send the unfortunate winner flying into the nearest hard object, but Shepard might not be too easy to do that too, especially because then Grunt would attack her for hurting his 'battlemaster'. _And I don't really want to kill Shepard, but I also don't want to pay the bastard. Time to use your brain, Jack._

"Double or nothing." Jack shouted at Shepard trying to be heard over the approaching sirens.

Growing a predatory grin Shepard nodded. Grunt appeared confused until Jack turned back to the street bringing her biotics up to power, then he started bouncing up and down in excitement. Trying to ignore the squirming 1,000 kilo krogan Jack focused on the approaching sirens.

"Okay, the squad car on the left, got it?" seeing Shepard nod Jack continued, "upside down against the closest auto-wash bay."

As the sirens screamed closer Jack leaned out of their hiding spot and sent a shock wave angling under the approaching security vehicle hitting its rear, right propulsion unit. Cart wheeling over itself the vehicle smashed onto its roof and skidded towards the wash eventually coming to a rest five yards short of the building.

"Fuck, Fuck, Fu…Cops, lets go!"

Reaching their idling vehicle the three piled in before taking off at top speed weaving through traffic and taking sharp corners until they lost the police chasing them. Finally having eluded their pursuit the team pulled into a parking ramp where the fugitives parked their vehicle. Making sure they hadn't been followed Shepard and Grunt kept watch while Jack broke into a new transport that apparently satisfied her criteria for a decent get-away vehicle.

* * *

The flight back to the mansion was in silence except for Grunt's occasional noises as some thought flitted through his oddly active yet simultaneously stupid brain. Despite being told to shut up by Jack and eventually Shepard as well Grunt continued to cackle and roar at seemingly random times. Finally Shepard had enough and told Jack to pull over several miles from the mansion.

"Grunt, I told you I'd pull this thing over if you didn't stop doing that. Get out; you're walking the rest of the way back."

Seeing that Shepard was serious Grunt obeyed his battlemaster disappointment filling him at this humiliation as he lumbered reluctantly from the back seat. Catching sight of a group of maintenance mechs ahead of them Grunt's disappointment was forgotten as he hefted his assault rifle and charged towards them bellowing his thanks to Shepard for giving him something more interesting to do than sit in silence in the vehicle. Shaking his head as Grunt ran off Shepard turned to Jack expecting to see her amused, or at least annoyed, by the krogan's immature behavior. Contrary to Shepard's expectations, however, Jack's expression briefly appeared troubled before it became angry. Not feeling comfortable in a confined space with a powerful, insane, and seemingly mad biotic Shepard tried to cheer her up,

"That was a fun game with the vehicles you showed me back in the city, you do that often?" ventured Shepard.

"No, not really; it usually isn't that fun." Jack tersely answered.

"Well, I had a good time, and I'm pretty sure Grunt did too."

Following this brief exchange a tense silence descended on the two of them until they had nearly reached the mansion, much to Shepard's relief. Before arriving, though, Jack spun the wheel to the side sending their stolen vehicle swerving off the road. Cursing as Jack narrowly avoided several trees Shepard had just managed to reposition himself to try and wrest the wheel from Jack's apparently suicidal driving when she brought the vehicle to a sudden halt.

"What the hell was that, Jack!" exploded Shepard as he watched the convict lean back against the headrest ignoring him. Frustrated at her silence Shepard tried again, "Jack, what do you think you were doing there?"

"I needed to wipe that place off the map. You took me there to do it, and I owe you." she said in uncharacteristically subdued tone.

Confused at the _non sequitur_ Shepard stared at Jack before realizing she was speaking of Pragia. Trying, successfully, not to laugh at how it took Jack several weeks to work up the courage to thank someone Shepard simply remained quiet knowing that Jack would speak her piece. Turning her head away from him Jack attempted to nonchalantly look out the window as she continued, but the tension in her body revealed the gesture as one of insecurity rather than strength.

"You don't know what it's like, Shepard. To have garbage like that following you. It marks you in ways you…you don't expect."

"Really, because I'm pretty sure that I've gone through more than even you can complain about. You're haunted by your fucked up childhood, I'll see your time on Pragia with a destroyed childhood on Mindoir and raise you two lives worth of hard decisions and responsibility for the suffering caused by those decisions." Shepard snarled back, angered by Jack's refusal to acknowledge his pain.

"Shit, you sound like a pussy."

"You're a hard person to like, Jack. Are you going to get back on the road now?" he responded frustrated by Jack's mood swings.

"No, just hold on a second. Shit, I'm not good at this soft stuff. Just…thanks, okay? For Pragia, I'm just trying to pay you back for helping me." replied Jack refusing to make eye contact with Shepard. Not giving Shepard a chance to object Jack continued,

"Remember Aresh, that fucker on Pragia? He was trapped in the past, reliving it every day. You showed how that could be me. I'm not getting stuck like that. I'm better than him and I'm sure as hell not carrying that around with me. Now you're pulling an Aresh, don't carry your last life around with you, move on already."

Unwilling to accept this accusation Shepard tried to deflect Jack's sudden empathy by provoking her, "Or what, you'll kill me like you did Aresh?"

"That was you're idea, and you were right to do it. Aresh was better off dead than reliving his life in that hellhole. Is that why you tried to kill yourself, because you were like Aresh?"

"Yes."

"That's my point, asshole. I'm stronger than Aresh; I've started to move on from Pragia, with your help. Fuck it, what I'm saying is that unless you're as weak as Aresh you need to move on from whatever is torturing you. And I'll help." Jack shouted at Shepard jabbing a finger in his face to emphasize her points.

Having finished her brief tirade Jack stiffened, realizing that she had revealed far more than she had meant to. Embarrassed she spun the vehicle around and got back onto the road. The awkward silence once again reigned in the vehicle as the two occupants tried to avoid looking at each other; finally they pulled up to the mansion's gate and waited for the on duty guard to radio Garrus for permission to admit the vehicle. Moving past the now open gates Shepard finally broke the silence,

"So, Jack, how do you move beyond the past?"

"I don't know, still figuring that one out. But today was fun, maybe that's all there is to it. You know…make new, good memories that replace the old, bad ones."

"Worth a try. Oh, speaking of today, while your help might make up for Pragia you still owe me 100 credits. There, another good memory, this is easy." Shepard said grinning at the tattooed convict.

"Fuck you, commander."

* * *

As Shepard entered the mansion Kelly moved towards him noticing that both Jack and Shepard appeared to be relatively happy. About to ask the pair how their leave went Kelly remembered the news reports of a terrorist attack on a refueling station she had heard. The attack had killed seven, wounded forty-eight, and destroyed several million credits worth of vehicles and buildings; the suspects, two humans and a krogan, were still at large and considered armed and dangerous. Deciding not to inquire as to their activities Kelly approached the commander,

"Shepard, Tali would like to speak with you; she seems very upset about something."

"Okay, do you know where she is?"

"No, but I'd check closets first." responded Kelly, trying not to laugh at the confused look on Shepard's face.


	11. Chapter 11: Timidus

**A/N: Because of the World Cup taking up so much of my time when I'm not working I'm not spending much time on this story. Therefore, until the tournament is over I'll only be able to get shorter chapters like this out so you know the story hasn't been abandoned. As always, please review.**

TIMIDUS

"This meeting of the Admiralty Board will enter recess at the request of Captain Shepard." the stately voice of Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay announced.

"Objection! He admits to having gathered no new data from the _Alarei,_ what possible reason is there then to delay judgment?" argued Admiral Zaal'Koris vas Qwib Qwib.

Groaning in frustration at Zaal'Koris' obstinacy Admiral Han'Gerrel vas Neema spoke for the majority of the quarians packing the audience chamber, "Shut up Zaal, she just recaptured a ship, surely she has earned a moment to compose herself before enduring anymore of this."

"But how can we be certain that during this recess the human won't…" drowned out by shuffling noises of the audience standing to leave Zaal'Koris looked to his fellow admirals for support but finding none conceded this minor defeat, "Fine, a half-hour, no more." he muttered.

Finding a deserted corner of the room Shepard's team assembled to wait for the resumption of the trial, and the verdict. Leaving Tali standing alone and forlorn Shepard approached Miranda glancing around to ensure there were no quarians able to overhear him.

"Miranda, how do you think the vote will go?" Shepard inquired.

"Tali will lose. Han'Gerrel supports her but both Daro'Xen and Zaal'Koris will vote against her for political reasons."

"I agree, but we have a half-hour to change that."

"That's not much time, Commander."

"Right, so here's what we do." Replied Shepard as he scanned his team catching Kasumi's eye and beckoning her over.

As Kasumi approached Miranda noticed the pathetic figure of Tali hugging herself and rocking back and forth from foot to foot. _So far everything is going according to plan; Tali has gotten Shepard to at least not kill himself and appears have gotten Shepard somehow rededicated to this mission to the point that he will once again help teammates. But despite this Shepard still appears to not have any interest in her beyond that of a crewmember and possibly as a friend, if he returned her love he would at least attempt to comfort her rather than leaving her alone like that as she endures what has to be the worst day of her life. I was worried on the _Alarei_ when Shepard embraced her after finding Rael's body that he had grown to care for her, but I guess it didn't mean too much. Still Tali's infatuation with Shepard will doubtlessly redouble after this affair is over; I need to make my move soon._

* * *

"That's clever, Shepard; cruel, and dishonest, but clever. I'll need a distraction to do this in the short time we have." commented Kasumi.

Looking up Shepard turned to the rest of his squad as they milled about, Mordin impatiently announcing there were still twenty-seven minutes left to wait. "Grunt, go with Kasumi, do whatever she tells you to. Mor...Samara, you're with me. Miranda you're in command while I'm busy."

Having received their acknowledgments of his orders Shepard left with Morinth heading towards the door the Admirals had retired through. As the pair moved away from the group Morinth spoke up,

"I'm worried about you, Shepard. First you try to kill yourself, then you refused to use the information we recovered on the _Alarei_ to help Tali_,_ even though it's obviously the best option here, and finally you almost called me Morinth in front of others. This isn't like you, it's not strong like you." remarked the asari, her voice practically dripping sincerity.

"Don't worry, pet…" smiled Shepard, pleased with Morinth's scowl in response to the demeaning nickname, "while your concern is _touching_ have you forgotten last night already? Though I guess that wouldn't be a surprise, I did hit you harder than I meant to. I only wanted you out long enough to put the collar on you, my pet, but you were out for a good fifteen minutes. It would seem that even weakened I can resist your charms, and now that I'm feeling much better you seem to have missed your opportunity at a weakened Shepard."

"What is this master plan then?" asked Morinth changing the topic, acid etching her voice as she remembered last night's failed attempt to join with Shepard.

"You're part is simple, pet. Of the two admirals that will rule against Tali Zaal'Koris is the weakest, so you're going to dominate Zaal'Koris' mind long enough to get him aboard the Normandy willingly. Oh, and don't permanently impair him, he'll need to recover in time to function normally once the trial resumes so we avoid suspicion of having interfered with the judges." Explained Shepard as they approached the conference room Zaal'Koris was waiting in.

Reaching the door Shepard checked his armor's sensors verifying that the admiral was alone. "Ready, Morinth?"

Nodding to Shepard Morinth stepped into the room powering up her biotics. As she entered the room Zaal'Koris looked up in surprise which barely had time to flicker into alarm as he flinched away having recognized Shepard and seeing Morinth's shimmering biotics before the field hit him and all expression left his body. Jerkily the admiral stood moving past Shepard and Morinth as he headed out the door. Moving quickly through the quarian ship the unusual trio attracted casual attention but no guards moved to question their actions.

Entering the Normandy Shepard saw Kasumi waiting for him smiling as she began speaking, "All ready, Commander. Oh, and Grunt was a great distraction but quarian security got him, we'll need to collect him before leaving."

"Good job, Kasumi." Shepard acknowledged, "Samara, take Zaal'Koris to the AI core; we only have twelve minutes left."

* * *

Zaal'Koris looked around at the unfamiliar room in confusion, how had he gotten here? Memories slowly returned to his conscious mind: Shepard, biotics, walking through the ship to the…Cerberus vessel. Fear coursed through Zaal as he realized that he was somehow trapped aboard a Cerberus vessel at the mercy of the human supremacy group that had earlier attacked the Flotilla. Just then the door opened and Shepard stepped into the room his red scars standing out in the dim lighting of the room. Suddenly a memory came to him of Tali's debriefing after returning to the Flotilla,

_"I find it hard to believe that this…Shepard…did all these things. Even leaving aside your ridiculous claims about Reapers there are holes in your story large enough to fly an agricultural ship through." Zaal stated coldly. "But beyond you're truthfulness is your failure. You return after one of the longest Pilgrimage in recent memory and all you've brought is this, this 'gift' that only would please a warmonger such as Gerrel or Rael. No rational captain will accept this, it only has the power to destroy, not to improve our lives."_

_"Watch yourself, Zaal. This geth data is important and it is a larger step in understanding our enemies than anything else in the last two-hundred years. Only a suit-wetter such as you would fail to see that." retorted Han'Gerrel using the derogatory name the hawkish faction had labeled Zaal with._

_"Admirals please, this is not about the gift Tali brought but is rather a debriefing of her actions during her time on the human ship Normandy. And Zaal, I know of several captains who would gladly accept the geth data as a gift so that matter is closed." stated Shala'Ran._

_"Okay Shala, but what of her absurd claims about her time aboard the Normandy and its crew of supposed 'heroes'?" insisted Zaal._

_"You bosh'tet! It's all true, I have proof. The geth data itself is proof, and there are Alliance mission reports that confirm all of it." Tali yelled, her anger overcoming her nervousness at being in front of the Admiralty Board. Calming down Tali continued in a more sedate voice, _

_"He risked his life to save the colonists on Feros. Nobody else could have saved them. I watched his face as Lieutenant Alenko died on Virmire. I saw him stand strong against everything the galaxy threw at him." Tali said before taking a wavering breath, "I watched him for so long…" she whispered, her shoulders slumping and head tilting in the unconscious quarian sign of sadness._

_Quickly composing herself Tali continued her voice once again strong, "You, Zaal'Koris vas _Qwib Qwib_ are nothing compared to Commander Shepard. Do not presume to dishonor his memory in your petty attempt to make a political statement at my expense. As far as my 'claims' about Shepard's activities, I'll make it simple for you to understand. You didn't want to be Shepard's enemy; they had a tendency to die."_

Thankful for his suit's efficient body waste recycling system Zaal'Koris lived up to his nickname as he realized that he was Shepard's prisoner. Looking into the approaching human's burning eyes Zaal understood that because he had hurt one of Shepard's crew Shepard, rightfully, viewed him as an enemy. And Shepard's enemies died.


	12. Chapter 12: Coercitio

**A/N: Here's my next World Cup shortened chapter, thought I'd include a little more Kasumi/Jacob here. PLEASE REVIEW. It's not much to ask but not many of you are doing it, I need some feedback and comments will only improve the story. For example a reviewer suggested I include several different endings and this is such a good idea I'm trying to think of a good way to do that. Thank you to those who have reviewed, much appreciated. **

COERCITIO

"Kasumi, what the hell did Shepard have you do, and why did Migrant Fleet Security want me to post bail for Grunt?" demanded Jacob.

"The Flotilla accepts bail?"

"In the form of supplies; but that's not the point, what did you do?" he asked again.

"Well…Shepard had me break in and steal some files from the Admiralty Board offices. And because the job was on such short notice I couldn't rely completely on my subtlety so I needed a distraction, and Grunt can be really distracting." Kasumi replied.

"Fair enough, what did Shepard get you to steal?"

"The usual: codes, passwords, etcetera. Oh, and the schematics for the quarian ship _Qwib Qwib _too."

"That doesn't sound good. Didn't he just bring that annoying Admiral vas Qwib Qwib aboard, and Shepard has the plans to his vessel? What the hell is Shepard up to?" Jacob rhetorically asked the air around him.

Startled out of his brief, one sided consultation with emptiness Jacob returned his attention to Kasumi as she answered him, "I don't know, but we could find out."

"How?" Jacob asked, suspicious of the thief's grin.

"They went to the AI core, and I've got a bug in there."

"Good God woman, do you spend all your time sneaking around the ship and spying on people!"

"Yes. I'm bored on this ship and, besides, it's good practice." Kasumi replied defensively.

"Fine, let's listen then, I'm sure you would without me anyways." Jacob said, attempting to retain the moral high ground while going along with the thief's plan.

As they headed to Kasumi's quarters Jacob began shifting uncomfortably as he walked behind her. Finally he broke the increasingly awkward silence, "So…I'm just wondering but do you spy on anyone other than the Commander?"

"Of course! It's amazing what you can hear on a ship like this. For instance Garrus has interesting things to say when he thinks no one is around. For that matter so do you, especially when you're stumbling back drunk from 'guy's night' with Zaeed."

"Wha…Oh, that. You, ah, heard that, did you?" asked Jacob stopping in his tracks as the thief turned on him, a predatory leer visible under her hood.

"Yes, yes I did."

Suddenly uneasy Jacob found a paint chip on the bulkhead that seemed to be incredibly interesting as Kasumi continued, "What was it exactly you two said? Oh, that was it! Zaeed said, 'So…Jacob, you and Miranda, eh. Just out of curiosity, what's your favorite part of her? I, personally have a hard time concentrating on the Collector's while that ass of hers is swaying about the battlefield.'."

Grinning at Jacob's discomfort Kasumi kept the pressure on, "And what did you say? Right, you said, 'Got that right, though I'm more of a boob-man myself. Besides, you think it's hard for _you_ to concentrate? I look at Miranda and can feel her nipples hardening against my fingers and hear her moaning in pleasure. Damn it, I have to keep stopping myself from unconsciously caressing my shotgun's ammo selector button during firefights!' I believe those were your words."

"Sorry, Kasumi. I, I…I'm just sorry. Please know it doesn't mean anything. It's over between me and Miranda." protested Jacob.

Staring at him levelly Kasumi didn't respond prompting Jacob to continue, "Really, it doesn't mean anything. It's not like Miranda's the only distracting one out there, Morinth's falling out of her 'armor' and Jack is…well mostly naked."

"But I'm not distracting?" Kasumi asked, sounding hurt.

"Well, not really…no." said Jacob hesitantly before hurrying to explain when he noticed her expression of mixed hurt and fury. "You're usually sneaking around invisible, after all. I can't actually see you."

Jacob stopped talking as he noticed Kasumi's body begin to shake. Wondering if he should attempt to comfort her or just get the hell out of there, having done enough damage already, Jacob was just about to reach out to comfort her when Kasumi exploded into gales of laughter.

Finally settling down Kasumi explained to a perplexed Jacob, "I'm just teasing you Jacob. I spy, remember. I heard you tell Shepard it was over with Miranda, implying he should go for her. Encouraging competition? Not something you would say if you still wanted her. Besides, I know exactly what you mean; Miranda is _very_ distracting…for everyone."

Surprised at his unexpected escape from a terrible conversation Jacob sighed his relief as he gestured Kasumi to continue towards her room, and the monitoring equipment hidden there.

* * *

"Hello, Admiral, so nice of you to join us. Now, let me get down to business; you're going to rule that Tali's innocent of all charges."

Staring at Shepard Zaal'Koris audibly gulped in fear, bringing a grin to Shepard's menacing face, before speaking, "I…I can't. It's nothing personal but she did bring geth onto the fleet! I can't just ignore that."

"Let's not pretend that this trial is anything but politics, the geth are not the real reason you're going after Tali, they are just an excuse you can blind the public with. But that is not the point; I don't care if Tali's guilty or not. She doesn't want to be exiled, though after seeing all of you I don't understand why, and I will help Tali get what she wants. Which brings me to your situation, I will help Tali, and you will help me help her…simple."

"I will not, Shepard. Tali will be found guilty."

"Then I'll just have to convince you otherwise, Admiral."

"Never. The trial resumes in a few minutes, you can't make me change my mind in a matter of minutes." squeaked Zaal'Koris, his bravado failing him in the furnace of Shepard's eyes.

"A challenge then, good." Shepard stated as he began to circle the seated quarian, "This trial is about geth, and your civilization's fear of AI, correct?"

Ignoring Zaal'Koris Shepard continued without giving him a chance to answer the question, "You think that the geth Tali sent to the fleet are a danger, I have an AI at my disposal that is a far greater danger than a mere handful of geth. And I will set it loose on the Migrant Fleet unless you help me. So really, the responsibility lies with you; exile Tali and experience the true capabilities of an AI or declare her innocent and save yourself that unpleasantness."

"What are you talking about? You're bluffing, do you think I'm an idiot?" sputtered Zaal'Koris.

Smiling in an unnervingly friendly fashion Shepard spoke, "I hoped you'd say that." Shifting his attention from the hapless quarian Shepard began to talk into the air, "EDI, care to join us?"

A blue-white ball atop a neck-like shape materialized next to Zaal'Koris. Instinctively flinching from the sudden appearance Zaal'Koris warily eyed the shape until it spoke in a chillingly synthesized voice causing his body to go rigid in terror, "Hello, Commander Shepard. Welcome to the Normandy Admiral vas Qwib Qwib. I am EDI, the ship's artificial intelligence."

Once again wearing the smile Zaal'Koris was beginning to recognize as presaging torment Shepard began giving instructions to EDI. Wild with fear the quarian couldn't focus on Shepard's words as he desperately eyed the room for any means of escape, hope dwindling with every second that passed with no opportunity discovered. Pulled back to his immediate situation by Shepard speaking his name Zaal'Koris focused on Shepard's disturbingly cheerful voice,

"So, Admiral…I'm sorry it has come to this. Actually I'm not but that line always sounds good. Anyways, I've stolen security information from the Admiralty Board computers and have gained remote access to your home ship's systems by using EDI's cyber-warfare programming. Now I'll tell you how this will work; we will go to the trial and you will rule that Tali is innocent or I'll have our AI vent the _Qwib Qwib's_ atmosphere." the cold, measured tone of Shepard sending fear twisting through Zaal'Koris' abdomen.

Desperately he argued with Shepard, "You can't do that, this is a trick. End this nonsense at once and I won't have you arrested."

Ignoring him Shepard resumed giving the AI instructions, "EDI, allow Zaal'Koris' omnitool through the firewall so he can access his ship's security cameras, but do not allow any messages to be sent."

The synthesized voice acknowledged the command and Zaal'Koris reluctantly opened his omnitool. Seeing that the quarian was following his wishes Shepard once again spoke to EDI, "Begin releasing atmosphere in section 13BH26, that's the aft galley Zaal…thank you EDI."

"Logging you off." the AI replied as panicked shouts became choking screams that echoed from Zaal'Koris' omnitool.

Turning to the quarian Shepard continued, his tone pleasantly conversational, "I was surprised when Tali told me quarian's suits weren't space worthy, though it makes some sense given the added expense that would entail. I can tell you're not enjoying this, Zaal; but don't worry, the screams should die down in a minute or two."

His unseemly joviality seeming to have vanished Shepard continued in a much more sedate voice, "You know, I can remember the searing pain as my lungs ran out of oxygen and the realization that I was going to die sinking in, it was excruciating."

Shaking his head Shepard's tone once again became cheerful, though to any observer besides the overly distraught Zaal'Koris there was a noticeably brittleness to Shepard's voice, "But don't worry, there are worse things than death…Oh, the screaming has stopped already, quarians must have less lung capacity than humans. Anyways, are you ready to be a good little admiral and give a not guilty verdict?"

Slowly Zaal'Koris nodded his head before it once again slumped to his chest in defeat. Seeing the capitulation Shepard's grin widened and he continued speaking, "Good, then this won't need to happen again. And, just because I'm a nice guy, I'll give some sort of inspirational speech at the trial so you can have a excuse to change your mind and avoid some of the political fallout your flip-flopping might otherwise cause."

Pulling the shaking quarian to his feet Shepard led the broken alien towards the elevator. "There you go, Admiral. That was only eighteen quarians, according to the sensors there are still…6,423 souls aboard the _Qwib Qwib_. If you do not rule Tali as innocent you will be the cause of their deaths, all for your petty political maneuvering."


	13. Chapter 13: Soror

**A/N: Sorry for the delay but work's been a bitch lately. However, thanks to the World Cup's group stage ending I have had time to write a full length chapter again, enjoy. As always, reviews are much appreciated.**

SOROR

"Yes sir, Tali seems to have gotten through to him. Now I simply have to emphasize their incompatibility and present myself as an alternative…subtly, of course."

"Of course, though based on your reports of Shepard's ignorance of Tali's affections don't be too subtle, Miranda." warned the Illusive Man.

"Thank you for the advice sir, but with the outfit you issued me for the mission I don't think being too subtle will be an issue." said Miranda, motioning at her form hugging suit.

"In any case, while I do trust your ability to read people, talk to Kelly about Shepard's mental state before seducing him." Noticing a brief scowl cross Miranda's face the Illusive Man explained, "Despite her naivety Kelly was the only specialist we had who came close to accurately predicting the extent of Shepard's mental distress caused by his resurrection. Contrary to your stated opinion Kelly _is_ on this mission for a reason. She is a resource you should not ignore."

"Sir." Miranda curtly nodded.

* * *

"Hello Kelly," Miranda said briskly as Kelly entered her office continuing quickly to deny Kelly time for her usual irritatingly chipper reply, "I'm interested in your take on Shepard's recent behavior, especially concerning Tali."

"Well, that's certainly an official sounding way to ask for ship gossip!"

Managing to keep her annoyance from expressing itself Miranda decided to play along with the redhead's inane conversation, "You're right…that did come out a bit officious. But anyways, is there something between them? Its obvious Tali's infatuated with Shepard, especially since the trial."

"Obvious to everyone except Shepard, you mean. I even told him that Tali is attracted to him and Shepard was surprised insisting that they were only friends." Kelly laughed.

Pleased with this information Miranda decided to let the babble continue, hoping for more information, "Are you sure he doesn't return her feelings? You saw him at her trial, all the effort he spent on her and that speech that got the admirals to change their minds about Tali's guilt. I know Shepard has helped many of the crew, but that seemed more personal; especially so soon after Tali found him in his cabin after Shepard had shot himself and then she never left his side while he recovered."

"You're right, but I'm convinced Shepard sees nothing more than a friend in Tali." Kelly stated with a tone of finality.

Intrigued by the psychologist's sudden hesitance to chatter Miranda pressed Kelly further, "Really? How can you be so sure?"

Seeing the psychologist shift uncomfortably Miranda guessed Shepard had told Kelly something under doctor-patient confidentiality. Tired of pretending to care about Kelly's gossip Miranda let her amicable façade fall, "Yeoman, this is Cerberus. There is no issue of confidentiality. Tell me what Shepard said, all of it, not the censored reports you've been sending to the Illusive Man."

"I can't. You might be Cerberus through and through but I'm a doctor first and Cerberus second!" protested Kelly, taken aback by Miranda's sudden change in demeanor.

"Damn it Yeoman, the galaxy will be wiped clean of sentient life if Shepard doesn't stop the Reapers and we are all here to provide Shepard with the tools necessary to succeed at that task. Now, after a veritable asylum's worth of mental breakdowns, ending in a suicide attempt, Shepard finally appears to have refocused on the mission. It seems to have something to do with Tali and I need to know what so I can both try and keep it going and plan to minimize damage if whatever it is that's motivating Shepard doesn't continue." Seeing that her speech had shaken Kelly Miranda moved in for the kill, "Do you really think that your pathetic confidentiality outweighs the risk to humanity's survival that an unstable Shepard poses?"

"But I took an oath…" Kelly managed to object before Miranda cut her wavering protest off.

"And your oath matters more than the galaxy's survival? Unbelievably selfish, Yeoman." accused Miranda, knowing what character flaw Kelly would find most abhorrent in herself.

"You…You're right. Give me some time to review my notes and I'll send you a complete evaluation of Shepard's current mental status."

"Thank you, Kelly." Miranda said in her false friendly voice dismissing Kelly from the office. As the psychologist left Miranda let a quick smirk across her face at the thought of how easy it was to manipulate those with a strong sense of morality. The smile faded as Miranda realized that she now had to manipulate Shepard, who exhibited no morals and, to top it off, sometimes behaved psychotically.

* * *

An outstretched finger reached for a doorbell before stopping and curling into the safety provided by the clenched fist formed by its four companion digits. After a long moment of indecision the fist shot forward smashing into the doorbell and past the point of no-return. Ashley smiled grimly at her actions and the weakness they revealed. Hearing the thud of feet as they raced towards the door she stood facing Ashley wondered whether it was too late to run away.

That question was answered when the door jerked open and Ashley barely had time to brace herself as a figure crashed into her wrapping its arms around Ashley crushing the breath out of her. Recovering from the surprise Ashley managed to draw a breath before speaking, "Good to see you too, sis."

"I'm so glad you're home! Fleet has had you out of communication for too long, I haven't seen you since…" Sarah's voice trailed off as she realized what she was saying.

"Since John's funeral, I know." Ashley finished for her, feeling an uncomfortable resentment towards Shepard for intruding even here and ruining what had been a happy homecoming.

Looking over Sarah's head Ashley saw one of her other sisters leaning against a doorframe smiling at Sarah's enthusiastic greeting. "Abby, good to see you too."

"Likewise, Ash. Sarah, let her breath." Abby said with the air of exasperation that comes so naturally to older siblings before continuing talking to Ashley, "Lynn will get here tomorrow so for now it's just the three of us."

* * *

Later that night Ashley sat in the living room with Abby after Sarah had gone to bed dut to jetlag resulting from her trip to get home to see Ashley. The two sisters sat in companionable silence simply enjoying a cold beer and each other's presence. After a time Ashley noticed Abby beginning to fidget and was about to break the silence when Abby spoke up.

"So, Ash…What's new?" Abby asked, her voice suspiciously tense for such an innocuous question.

Sighing Ashley realized the time for comfortable silence was over and Abby thought it was time to talk. "Not much, I just finished a mission out in geth space and got a weeklong leave."

"Right…" Abby replied, clearly unconvinced by Ashley's nonchalant answer.

"Yep, that's all." Ashley insisted before realizing how defensive that response sounded. Quickly she tried to change the conversation's topic, "So, how's it going with Brian? I haven't seen him since…"

"Mom's funeral." interrupted Abby, "And none of us have seen you since Shepard's funeral three months later. It's been almost two years now, what's going on?"

Feeling anger welling inside her at the accusatory tone in Abby's voice Ashley responded, "I've been busy, okay?"

"No, it's not 'okay'. After Mom died we all needed each other and you weren't there. I don't think you understand how much we needed you, especially Sarah."

"Look, I'm sorry but I was on deployment and couldn't take more than a few days off for the funeral." protested Ashley.

"As if your boyfriend couldn't have given you some leave." Abby scoffed.

Feeling her throat clench Ashley stood to leave trying to hide the tears forming at the mention of her relationship with Shepard. Before Ashley had managed to escape Abby said in a soft tone,

"Sorry, Ash. This isn't what I came here to do. Look, I'm sure you're wondering at the timing of this family get-together." sighing at Ashley's lack of response Abby continued, "We got a call two days ago from Councilor Anderson, needless to say we were scared you had been killed but he told us that you had been placed on an 'indefinite leave of absence'."

This revelation seemed to shake Ashley out of her anger as she collapsed back into her chair. After a moment Ashley spoke, "How much did Anderson tell you?"

"Not much, he said it was mostly classified, you know how Fleet loves its security bullshit. But the Councilor told us you had been suspended from duty several times lately and that this was your last chance to pull it together. We're all here because we know how hard it is to get through things alone and, despite our recent distancing, we love you and are here for you."

"Thanks, Abby," taking a moment to compose herself Ashley began quietly, "You remember Shepard's funeral? Well, it was closed casket for a reason. There was no body even after two months of searching."

Seeing Abby's expression urging her on Ashley continued, fighting to hold back her tears, "For a good reason, he's still alive."

"My God, Ash that's wonderful!" Abby cried.

Numbly Ashley nodded, "Maybe."

"Maybe? That deserves an explanation, Ash. I saw you two together at Mom's funeral; I know how much you meant to each other. Shouldn't you be thrilled he's alive?" seeing Ashley's watering eyes Abby reached out placing an arm around Ashley's shoulder, "Tell me what's going on, Ash. The Councilor wouldn't have told me as much as he did if he didn't want you to tell me everything that could help, classified or not."

Accepting her sister's comfort Ashley began talking, her disjointed thoughts rushing out, "I saw John a couple of months ago while on deployment, except he was different. I told you about Cerberus after the Battle of the Citadel, right? Well, John has joined Cerberus. He claims that they brought him back from the dead to fight the Reapers. But I've seen what Cerberus does, so has John…how could he trust them? I saw him just standing there; I couldn't believe my eyes or understand what was happening and I got angry at him. I mean, he shows up after I had mourned him for two years and acted like nothing had changed. I was furious, everything had changed. It sure as hell had changed for me and it looked like it had for him too. There were these…scars…red, glowing scars across his face. He didn't look human. I was angry, confused…scared, even. I, I called him a traitor and walked away."

"Ash, are you sure? How could he be alive after the Normandy's destruction?"

"I don't know, but it _was_ him, Anderson later told me that the Alliance knew Cerberus had Jhim and that John had been looking for me. Anderson, that bastard, hadn't told me because of 'security reasons'."

"But…"

"I know, Abby. It seems impossible but it _was_ John. I've talked to some Alliance docs and scientists during my earlier 'leaves' and it seems that the technology to revive a body is nearly available. So with Cerberus funding and experiments unrestricted by ethics it is possible they resurrected him."

"Okay, I can accept that as a miracle of modern medicine but what about _him_, his soul, was it still there?"

"I think so, I've thought about it a lot and I believe it's possible. I've seen soulless people before as geth husks and he wasn't like one of those. Somehow I think God sent Shepard back, and the only reason I can imagine He would do that for would be to save the galaxy from the Reapers." Desperately curling up against her sister Ashley quietly concluded, "And I abandoned him. Just like when I abandoned you after Mom's death because John was my new support system I then abandoned him because I had learned to exist in a world without him. Now I've lost him so soon after having almost lost you."

"But you didn't lose us, Ash. We love you and what happened after Mom died is in the past now. I know that you and Shepard loved each other; if it really is him then maybe you haven't lost Shepard either."

* * *

Miranda set Kelly's report aside reassured by its contents. It seemed that Shepard had found a new way to deal with the trauma caused by his resurrection, and for a change it wasn't too destructive. According to Kelly, Shepard was now dealing with his stressors by simply ignoring them. As a mechanism to help him avoid his own problems by distracting himself Shepard had begun to live vicariously through his crew, the events at the Migrant Fleet were presented by Kelly as evidence of this behavior. Tali's trial had provided Shepard the opportunity to solve another's problems and by doing so avoid dealing with his own problems, an opportunity Shepard had made the most of.

Kelly's appraisal of the healthiness of this new coping mechanism was condemning but it suited Miranda's designs perfectly. A Shepard desiring to help others, for whatever reasons, was close enough to the 'Hero of the Citadel' that Cerberus wanted that Miranda's mission looked possible for the first time since Horizon. As long as Shepard continued to help people Miranda couldn't care less about his long-term mental health, after all they were on a suicide mission. A helpful Shepard trying to save humanity and right the galaxy's wrongs, for whatever reasons, was perfect...especially once he was under her control.

Jolted out of her plotting by her office door opening Miranda looked up in annoyance at the interruption before her annoyance turned to disdain as she saw Jacob hesitantly enter the room. Choosing to prolong the man's discomfort Miranda simply looked at Jacob remaining quiet waiting for him to speak while watching the growing silence further fray Jacob's nerves.

"Uh, Miranda, do you have a moment?" Jacob finally asked, the silence having broken him.

"…Of course, what can I do for you?" replied Miranda after a brief pause, enjoying how Jacob's expression revealed his growing hope that Miranda wouldn't be able to speak. A hope crushed when Miranda finally spoke forcing him to continue with whatever it was he had come to her to say.

"It's about Shepard." Seeing Miranda remain silent Jacob continued, "It doesn't matter how I know, but there are several actions of the commander's that the rest of the crew doesn't know about and I think it could affect our mission."

Merely raising her perfectly groomed eyebrows Miranda remained silent, still forcing Jacob to carry the conversation, knowing how much he hated that.

"You know the trial? Well, Shepard's involvement went beyond what was seen in the courtroom and I think it jeopardizes our mission."

Finally responding Miranda asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, you know how that one admiral changed his mind about Tali? It wasn't because of Shepard's speech; here I have a video that will explain." Jacob said forwarding a copy of Shepard's interaction with Zaal'Koris that he and Kasumi had recorded to Miranda's omnitool.

"Who else knows about this?" Miranda asked as the clip ended.

"Just me and Kasumi."

"Of course, you wouldn't be the one sneaking around the ship getting to where you aren't supposed to be. Damn that thief, first clocks go missing from all over the ship and now this." Miranda complained, wondering at why Jacob suddenly appeared embarrassed at her annoyed statement. Pushing aside that question Miranda continued, "Why did you wait to tell me?"

"Because of how Tali's acting. She's fallen for him, and if this comes out that relationship will explode and I don't think the mission could survive another of Shepard's collapses."  
"Obviously that's Kasumi's reasoning; you were never perceptive enough to pick that up, Jacob." Miranda mocked, irritated at the reminder of Jacob's seemingly successful relationship with the thief. Shaking off her unwelcome pettiness Miranda went on, "Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I share your concern and will find a way to keep Shepard stable. Just, for god's sake, don't tell anyone else. Now, is there anything else you should tell me?"

"Wha…No, that's all." replied Jacob, wincing at Miranda's clear disbelief of his statement. After a moment Miranda simply nodded to him in dismissal. Jacob quickly left the room thankful that Miranda hadn't chosen to push the matter.

Jacob having left Miranda once again allowed herself a brief smile, this information was perfect. Now, if Tali somehow proved a surprisingly difficult rival for Shepard's attention Miranda held a card which gave her the power to end any relationship the two of them might be able to scrape together. And once that was over there would be a void, one which she could fill all too easily. The pleasure this thought provided her vanished as Miranda's thoughts turned back to the source of the information, Jacob and Kasumi.

_"No, I am not jealous. I already had Jacob and it simply didn't work."_

_"Then why the bitchy attitude towards him? Are you sure it's not because he's found someone to not only replace you but that he sees as an improvement? And to top it off she is a thief. Despite your genetic engineering you come in second to a _thief_." her treacherous mind argued._

_"Damn it, shut up! I am not jealous."_

_"Really? Perhaps you're just lonely then?"_

_"No."_

_"Whatever you say,, Ice Queen."_

**A/N: As far as I can remember there is nothing mentioned about Ashley's mother's status but if the game canon says that she is still alive I'm sorry for killing her off. Also as far as her relationship with Abby, in game Ashley said the sisters were close-but that doesn't mean they get along well all the time, especially siblings close in age. And in case the timeline is a little confusing here's a summary: very shortly after defeating Saren Ashley's mom died. Then Ashley immediately went with Shepard to fight geth which soon led to the Normandy's destruction and then Shepard's premature funeral.**


	14. Chapter 14: Interventus

**A/N: Unlike my other chapters this is all pretty much one scene. Thank you to those who take the time to review, and to those who haven't…come on!**

INTERVENTUS

Shepard left the engineering deck heading for the elevator feeling better than he had for a long time. _Probably since my death, certainly since Horizon_, Shepard reflected. _Tali's gratefulness is intoxicating, better than ryncol and even rivaling hallex. Listening to Tali's praise, basking in her admiration; it almost allows me to pretend that my death never happened and nothing has changed. It's like being back on the real Normandy…with one significant difference. No, stop it, that's over. I need to focus on what I've got now, not on the past, on Ash._

Feeling his good mood slipping away Shepard desperately rerouted his train of though away from the past and back to Tali. _Sure, Tali was understandably upset, what with being confronted with her father's death and then discovering that her father's actions had threatened the Flotilla, but I was there to help her through it…just like 'The Hero of the Citadel' would have been. And she appreciated my efforts on her behalf. Unlike Ash, who now hates me for what my efforts to stop the Collectors have forced me to do. No! Don't think about that, think about Tali…Yes, it's a refreshing sensation to be appreciated for my efforts again._

A rare smile of genuine contentment crossed Shepard's scarred visage as he recalled the quarian's profuse thanks and tentative flirting._ To top it all off, Kelly was right…Tali does want to be more than just friends. And why not? She joined me without question after my resurrection and has stayed at my side despite her disapproval of my actions. No one else did that, besides Garrus but he doesn't count for this, not even the woman I thought loved me did that. So, since I was apparently wrong as to what love really was where Ash was concerned then maybe this thing with Tali is what love actually is? Worth finding out, I've got nothing to lose, after all._

_Who knows, perhaps I can actually be the 'dashing commander' saving both the young woman and the galaxy again?_ _Maybe I should get Mordin to help with the whole 'I get sick outside of my suit thing'? It _would_ be nice to 'link suits' with someone not trying to kill me like Morinth always is. _

Exiting the elevator and entering his quarters Shepard paused at the door feeling something out of place. Stepping into his quarters Shepard carefully surveyed the room but saw nothing amiss. Going to his desk Shepard feigned having accepted the room as secure while he stealthily slid his sidearm into the concealment of his lap waiting for the unknown disturbance to reveal itself.

Soon after Shepard hear the distinctive buzzing sound of a stealth field collapsing. Spinning around Shepard instinctually raised his pistol at the sound of the intruder, fingers tightening on the trigger ready to fire. Shepard's mind finally catching up with his conditioned reflexes and he managed to hold his fire as he recognized the master thief Kasumi. The look of surprise and alarm on her face at his startlingly fast reaction combined with the adrenalin surging through him made Shepard laugh despite the seriousness of having almost shot a crew member.

Pulling himself together and lowering the gun Shepard noticed Kasumi's glare, "Sorry Kasumi, nervous laughter. But what are you doing sneaking around my room?"

"I'm here to stop you." She replied evenly, her glare losing none of its intensity with his apology.

"Why would you want the Reapers to succeed?" Shepard asked, his confusion evident.

"Not that, idiot, your relationship with Tali. She's my friend and I'm not about to let you seduce her." Seeing his incredulous look Kasumi sighed before admitting her eavesdropping to Shepard, "Yes, I know about it… after all I do spend most of my time sneaking around the ship. I was just in engineering and happened to overhear you two."

"It has nothing to do with you, Kasumi. I'll do what I want to. Besides, if you were listening to us then you know that Tali started it; I'm hardly seducing her. Now get out of here." Shepard demanded in the cold, dangerous voice Kasumi had grown to recognize as a precursor of violence.

Steeling herself Kasumi refused to back down, "Tali's my friend, and I can't let you hurt her." continuing before Shepard could respond Kasumi explained, "She's young, barely an adult, and can't see past her girlish infatuation with you to see what you truly are. She loves who you were; Commander Shepard, 'Hero of the Citadel' not who you are; Commander Shepard, 'Butcher of the Terminus Systems."

"Enough! Tali has been here throughout to see what I've become and she still hasn't left me." Locking eyes with Kasumi's Shepard suddenly returned his pistol's aim to the thief's head, "I won't let you ruin this last thing that is left for me."

Shocked at Shepard's obvious willingness to execute her, though another part of her knew she shouldn't be surprised, Kasumi's calm demeanor shattered. Falling to her knees, quiet sobs wracking her body as Kasumi desperately pleaded with Shepard, "Please, no! I'm not trying to ruin anything, just let me explain."

Seeing Shepard's pistol waver Kasumi pressed ahead, "You know that Tali was unhappy here and about to leave before you shot yourself. She only rediscovered her infatuation with you after seeing you vulnerable and then as you 'helped' her at the trial."

Confused at the accusatory tone in Kasumi's voice Shepard responded, "Yes, I know that, but you're missing the point. I've been different since the suicide attempt; I helped Tali and am rededicated to the mission. Maybe in time, with Tali's help, I'll be 'the Hero of the Citadel' again."

"Do you really believe that?" Kasumi said, astonished at Shepard's seeming disconnect from reality.

"Yes! Who are you to say it can't be that way, bitch?" he demanded, infuriated at her obvious disbelief of his heartfelt statement.

"Shepard, you can't be that man again, he's dead. Your recent change isn't real." Seeing a vein in Shepard's temple begin pulsing Kasumi realized her candor might be the end of her, desperate to talk him down she continued, "I know how you really helped Tali at her trial, and it sure as hell wasn't your 'impassioned speech'."

"What, how do you…"

"I sneak around, remember?" Kasumi continued, hoping she was finally reaching whatever was left of Shepard's rational mind. "What Tali feels for you is based on a lie; that you are returning to being the man she loved. But that's not true and you know it. You murdered innocent quarians in a misguided attempt to help Tali; do you really think she could love someone who would do that?"

Seemingly having conveniently forgotten this fact Shepard's surprise at Kasumi's accusation was obvious. Struggling to compose a retort Shepard began, "Of course not, but if she doesn't find out and I continue to act like what I once was perhaps it will work. The fact remains that I _did_ help Tali and that's a start, isn't it?"

Shaking her head sadly at the desperation tingeing Shepard's last, questioning statement, she countered Shepard's 'logic', "You know that's not true. Before the suicide you murdered Samara…don't be surprised I know, I sneak, remember… and after the suicide you murdered eighteen quarians. That is not the start of a change and we both know that if you had a second chance at either of those incidents you'd make the same choices again."

Seeing Shepard's head drop as he remained silent after this Kasumi continued, still wary of the gun in his hand even though it was no longer pointed in her direction, "I want to help Tali, but it also helps you. When she eventually discovers your true nature it will destroy her. And, from what I've seen, you couldn't survive her, your last, artificial link to normality, being destroyed. If this relationship continues it will ruin not just Tali but both of you."

"You're right, Kasumi. I'm not what Tali thinks I am, and that revelation could destroy both of us if I grew to rely on her." Shepard replied slowly as he lowered the sidearm onto his desk.

The relief flooding through Kasumi at Shepard's action and words suddenly vanished when Shepard raised his head to once again look at her. His previously defeated body language had given way to the familiar aggression and anger it usually spoke of. Shepard's baleful, red eyes bored into the concealment of her hood, his scars looking brighter than when Kasumi had confronted him.

"I will leave Tali alone. You have accomplished your objective in coming here; you have saved both her and me from…me." A horrible grin split Shepard's face as his biotics flared to life, "But I can't just let you sneak around spying on me without consequence can I?"

The reave field Shepard projected caught Kasumi before she had a chance to blink. Jerking her upright while throwing her arms out from her sides the biotic attack ripped a loud scream from her throat as it seized control of her nervous system. Involuntary muscle contractions held Kasumi upright as countless nerve endings sent a deluge of biotically induced signals tearing from her pain receptors to her defenseless brain. Kasumi's pained cry abruptly cut off as her lungs seized under the biotic assault causing her eyes to roll into the back of her head as the lack of oxygen forced her into unconsciousness.

Looking at her torment Shepard was pleasantly surprised by how the whites of Kasumi's rolling eyes seemed to glow from within the shadows of her hood as tears of pain filled her eyes reflecting the room's lights. Giving a short bark of laughter Shepard thought it fitting that in her punishment the meddling thief's eyes looked similar to Tali's naturally reflective eyes. After several seconds of watching the thief's torment Shepard turned away from Kasumi, reaching into his desk Shepard pulled a picture frame out placing it onto the desk's surface and settling himself down stare at it, ignoring the spasmodically twitching woman behind him.

Several seconds after Shepard ceased paying attention, though it felt like an eternity to the unconscious thief, the biotic field dissipated. Free from the biotic power that had ravaged her nervous system Kasumi's muscles, which had involuntarily forced her upright as they seized, finally gave out allowing basic bodily functions such as breathing to resume.

Regaining consciousness a confused Kasumi attempted to discern her surroundings as she lay sprawled on the floor. As memory slowly filtered back Kasumi recalled everything up to the blue flash of biotic power being released. Looking around Kasumi realized she was on the floor of Shepard's quarters…and that every part of her hurt. Unable to command her muscles at the moment the thief simply laid there, her view restricted to the featureless surface of the bulkhead mere inches in front of her face.

Slowly senses not overwhelmed by pain began to function as Kasumi's ears reported the sound of voices arguing coming from above her in the direction of Shepard's desk. Striving for the sanity a distraction from her pain would bring her tortured body Kasumi focused on the rapid back and forth of the conversation being held out of her sight.

"She's right, you know."

"Maybe, but what if I'm right and it just takes some time and practice?"

"It will take more than that, and you know it."

"Fuck off, it could go either way."

"Perhaps…but if she's right and it goes that way you'll be worse off than ever. I don't think the remote possibility of it working out is worth that risk."

"Fine, she's right, you're right, whatever. But it means I'm alone…again."

Her exhausted mind finally making sense of the conversation Kasumi realized it would not help her find her own sanity to listen as Shepard argued with himself. But there was nothing else to do as she lay on the floor unable to move, staring at the metal of the wall. Giving in Kasumi continued to listen to the two Shepards' discussion.

"Maybe not…this helping thing _was_ working, after all; you just need to find someone who appreciates both your efforts and your methods."

"Yeah right, like that'll ever happen…Still, it's worth a try.

"That's the spirit."

"Shut the fuck up. I'll make the rounds later tonight; see if anyone meets that unlikely description."

Several minutes later Kasumi managed to regain enough motor control to begin crawling out of Shepard's quarters, the commander completely ignoring her whimpering form until she had reached the door.

"Kasumi, I trust that despite your sneaky nature you'll have the discretion to not mention this to anyone. After all, if there is a morale crisis I will be forced to…permanently remove…the crew members responsible for the disruption from the ship. Maybe from the airlock, it would serve Cerberus right to see how that feels." Shepard said, his voice chillingly jocular.

Dragging herself into the elevator Kasumi managed control her still twitching fingers enough to select the crew deck as her destination and activate her omnitool; nobody needed to see her like this Kasumi thought as she activated her stealth field, especially Jacob...he would become a 'morale crisis' if he found out.

* * *

"I'm good, Shepard." insisted Jacob once again, puzzled at Shepard's insistent badgering.

"Okay, if you're sure. But if there's anything, anything at all, you need help with don't hesitate to ask, I'm always here for my crew." The commander replied but made no move to leave the armory.

"Oh, Shepard, almost forgot, there is one thing…if you happen to see Kasumi could you send her up here? I haven't been able to get a hold of her for hours now and I need to calibrate the new SMG upgrades to sync with her retinal implants." Jacob continued, hoping any small task would get Shepard to leave him alone.

"Sure thing, Jacob." Shepard replied, stifling a laugh as he headed for the armory's exit.

"What the hell is with him now?" Jacob rhetorically asked the room.


	15. Chapter 15: Falsa Opinio pt 1

**A/N: This is a short chapter that will be completed with the next installment, I just wanted to get this out there since it was finished. Please review. By the way, Hungarian food, especially dessert, is vastly underrated.**

FALSA OPINIO pt. 1

Two of Ashley's sisters were in the kitchen together preparing a special dinner in honor of the 229th anniversary of the Hungarian Revolution of 1956. This event was a poor excuse for the American women to cook a meal as extravagant as this one, but an excuse was all it was.

Stirring together a large pot of _halaszle_ Abby looked over at Lynn who appeared fascinated by the deep, salty taste of the _Teliszalami_. This wasn't one of the usual faux-meat products but was actually the real thing. A luxury which had become so rare in the last fifty years as Earth's population boomed that the delicacy had cost Abby almost a week's salary. As usual between siblings Abby was not hesitant to voice her irritation at Lynn's sampling of the expensive cured meat, "Stop eating all the salami! I bought it as an appetizer, not to be your own personal snack."

"Only if you lay off the _Tokaji_ wine I got. I had to specially order the stuff and you're drinking it like its boxed wine!" Lynn retorted.

Glaring at her sister Abby continued, pointedly ignoring Lynn's accusation, "Just make the damn _Dobos_ cake already; and don't forget what this whole dinner is for."

"I already made that!" Lynn indignantly defended herself before counterattacking, "And, anyways, didn't you say that you were going to make _Vinetta_? Because I don't see the grill going yet…"

Just then the door opened interrupting the two chefs' escalating argument as Sarah and Ashley entered the house carrying in the last of the groceries.

Several hours later the four women were seated on the house's deck enjoying the setting fall sun and pleasantly cool weather as they finished the last of the excellent wine Lynn had selected. The four sisters were enjoying each other's company as they joked about the Magyar names for the various dishes they had just eaten. Stumbling over the pronunciation of the words with their seemingly indiscriminate use of _l_'sand _z_'s the sisters butchered the Magyar language until Ashley finally stopped laughing at her sisters' attempts long enough to correctly pronounce the various words.

After a particularly irresistible fit of giggling the laughter died away and the women were content to just be together in silence as the sun finally sunk below the horizon. Just as the night chill was about to make Lynn suggest they head indoors Ashley spoke in a voice that was unusually quiet for the marine.

"Don't get me wrong, the food was great, but all the expensive ingredients were probably unnecessary."

"What do you mean, Ash?" asked Abby, her voice matching Ashley's quiet tone encouraging her to continue.

"The 1956 rebellion…really, what sort of an excuse is that? You're trying to make me remember the time I spent with John in Budapest, and this food really didn't help with that. Remember, we weren't there on vacation. The Danube had flooded, it was a humanitarian op; we didn't eat anything that this wonderful meal would remind me of, military rations would have been a better choice for that."

Not quite picking up on the newly serious tone of the conversation Sarah interjected, "Yeah, but then we'd have had to eat them too."

"So, why did you want me to remember Budapest?" Ashley asked, ignoring Sarah.

Knowing this was the pivotal moment Lynn cut off Sarah's slightly intoxicated response, "You've been home for a while now, Ash. You told us the facts of the situation with Shepard but this whole time you haven't talked about how you _feel_ about it. And you need to do that; after all not talking about it is what grounded you here on enforced leave in the first place."

Seeing Ashley remain silent Lynn pressed ahead, "The first night you were home you told me about Horizon and your unanswered letter to John afterwards but you haven't said a thing about him since. That makes me think you're trying to move on from him…but I don't think you should."

"What! Why do you think you can tell me what to do?" shouted Ash, her anger welling up.

Calmly Lynn refused to back down from her chosen course, "You wrote us about your time in Hungary with John and you seemed so happy in your message. I haven't seen you that happy at any other time since father's death and it was obviously because of Shepard."

"Oh, so you want me to just get back together with him, is that it? You don't really know anything about what's going on!"

"I am not telling you what to do. But I am giving you advice that all of us, your sisters who know you better than anyone else, agree on. You sent Shepard away on Horizon, understandable; you then sent Shepard a message to repair that damage, also understandable. But then when no answer came you gave up, and _that_ is not understandable. You turned him away once and regretted it; what if ignoring your message is something he regrets?

Taking Ashley's silence at Lynn's statement as permission to continue Abby took over, "The message you sent him was essentially asking for a second chance from Shepard. He turned you down; now help him out by giving him a second chance of his own…send another message."

"You're right. I gave up." Bitterly Ashley laughed, "Who have I become, abandoning the man I loved and then giving up when I realized my mistake. Disloyal and a quitter…wouldn't Dad be proud."

"Stop it, Ash! It's not too late, try again and it will prove your loyalty and perseverance." said Sarah, pleading with Ashley to exhibit her usual strengths and stop her self-loathing.

Smiling at her youngest sister's plea Ashley relented as far as her pride would allow, "Okay, I'll think about it."

* * *

"Mordin, need help with anything?"

"Ah, Shepard. Good to see you. No, have everything I need. Maelon last loose end, already taked care of that. Well, there is one thing…"

"What is it? Maybe I can help." Shepard interrupted, excited at the prospect of helping the STG veteran because Mordin's practical 'the end justifies the means' morality appreciated any lengths Shepard went to in pursuit of the goal.

"Time, Shepard." the salarian chuckled to himself at his joke, "I need time. For research, music, do you have any of that?"

Disappointment at the salarian's 'joke'deflated Shepard's excitement as the prospect of helping the doctor vanished. Heaving a sigh, Shepard left the science lab, the strains of Gilbert and Sullivan echoing through the Normandy from behind him.

Entering the CIC Shepard approached Kelly hoping that she would have a message of some sort for him, preferable without too much blind optimism accompanying its delivery.

"Nothing right now, Commander." Kelly answered cheerfully.

"Damn it, of course there isn't_._" Shepard grumbled as he turned and headed for the elevator.

Several minutes later Shepard walked out of Morinth's lair shaking his head in disappointment. Morinth was the last crew member he had checked in with and, as expected, she didn't need anything from Shepard, except to hold still and let her kill him, of course. There had been several requests made of him; menial tasks like fetching spare parts for the Normandy, food for the cook, and booze for the doc, but none of these were life-defining moments. And it was such a moment, one equal in importance to the events surrounding Tali's trial that was needed. A problem that, once solved by Shepard, would be able to provide a balm for Shepard's tormented psyche by comforting another's torment.

Returning to his room Shepard threw himself into his chair, frustration etched across his countenance. Catching sight of Ashley's picture Shepard's expression shifted from frustration to a kaleidoscope of anger and despair as the two emotions warred for dominance of Shepard's mind. _Ash would be just like Tali if she was here now; loving the man I was, not the…thing I am. She could tell I was already ruined, that's why Ash left me on Horizon. Just like Tali would have after Haestrom if she had known me as well as Ash did._

_On the other hand, I wasn't completely lost until after Ash rejected me, first on Horizon and then in her letter. Before that I still hoped had hope…hope of finding her and it kept me from losing my pre-death self completely. If only she had joined me I wouldn't have been forced into becoming what Kasumi called 'the Butcher of the Terminus System'. _

_It's her fault, if Ash hadn't abandoned me I wouldn't be what I am now. I thought she loved me, apparently I was wrong. Garrus, Tali, Joker, Chakwas, friends but certainly not lovers, stayed with me. Even Liara didn't completely abandon me despite her own transformation. Only Ashley left me, the one I most trusted. If she had loved me she would be here now and none of this would have happened, it's her fault…Ashley's betrayal killed what I once was. Fuck her; it's time to move on. _Grabbing the picture frame Shepard hesitated for only a moment before erasing the image and tossing the now-blank screen carelessly aside.


	16. Chapter 16: Lumen et Umbrae

**A/N: As strange as this might sound a brief lesson in oral tradition is needed here. A common rhetorical technique used in oral tradition to place emphasis where needed is repetition, both the repeating phrases and subtle differences within the phrases. Once recorded in writing this repetition lost its ability to impact the audience, for example the violence of the Iliad or the genealogies in the Bible are boring to modern readers but were essential to the original audience that **_**heard **_**rather than **_**read**_** the story. A segment of this chapter has such repetition, though I hope it's not boring, and it is there to provide emphasis, not to be merely excessive.**

**Warning: Rape scene ahead. Seriously, WARNING, don't read if it offends or could cause greater distress than it's designed to. **

LUMEN ET UMBRAE

As clumsy as her sisters' plan had been that did not mean it had been ineffective. Perhaps it actually had been the reminder of the food, though the wine and _Unicom_ they had plied her with was probably more responsible, but Ashley couldn't stop thinking of Budapest…of John. Sitting alone in her room having retired for the night, the alcohol having gotten to all of the sisters, Ashley let her mind wander. And, as usual, it wandered straight for Shepard.

_Ash looked out over the swollen Danube as she waited for John's return to the hotel room that his status as humanity's hero had allowed him to commandeer despite the scarcity of lodgings in the flooded city. The view from the ordinarily exclusive hotel looked out from the top of Buda hill across the river to the Pest side of the ancient city was much better than the barracks she would have been in if not for John's influence. _

_While their planned leave hadn't happened because of this emergency Ash was nonetheless satisfied with her 'vacation'. No one was shooting at her, she was in quarters far superior to military grade accommodations…and John was here, at least when his off duty shifts happened to correspond with her own. Looking around the private room she shared with John Ash felt guilty at the pleasures afforded by the luxury hotel and the peace she enjoyed in John's arms while the rest of the city was enduring its worst disaster in over two centuries. Shaking off the nagging guilt Ash decided to simply enjoy her time here, after all she'd be returning to geth space with John soon enough and she deserved a break after the recent stresses of chasing Saren. Having resolved to claim her pleasure wherever possible Ash went to the room's balcony as the sun sank under the low hills behind her to the city's west._

_With the fall of darkness the lights of the constant rescue operations were transformed from the images that were revealed by sunlight. Under day's scrutinizing glare the activities surrounding Ash were simply ugly scenes of panicked humanity trying to salvage what little remained of their lives from the despair of the consuming flood waters. But with night's comforting blanket of darkness that scene was transformed into a beautiful display as flashing emergency lights were broken into countless sparks of light refracted by the roiling waters of the surging Danube and sent dancing across the dark river. This transformation, this willful ignorance of reality's harshness was her guilty pleasure; here in the midst of tragedy darkness was a blessing. Usually darkness brought with it fear of the unknown but when the known was so terrible the unknown seemed a welcome reprieve._

_Just then the door to her room was flung open briefly revealing John's silhouette in the doorway as a corona of light surrounding his dark form burst into the unlit hotel room from the hallway. Quickly crossing the large room John stepped close to Ash encircling her waist with one arm and pulling her close with an irresistible strength. As she was crushed against the familiar surface of his N7 armor his other hand raised itself to her face, fingertips brushing along her cheekbones as John reached up to gently brush a strand of hair that had escaped her tight ponytail out of her eye before his hand moved to cup the back of her head._

_Moaning her pleasure to the darkness Ash tilted her head back surrendering herself to John. Lowering his head John began placing brief kisses along her jaw line which soon grew in intensity as his mouth drifted lower devoting its attention to her neck as he tasted her pulse with his lips. Moving his hands to her waist John slid his palms under her fatigue top tracing the contours of her body as he drew his hands up her slender, muscular form enjoying the feel of excited shivers coursing through Ash at his touch. Her shirt caught on his wrists moved up in conjunction with his exploring hands until he had reached her underarms, his thumbs brushing the sides of her breasts with each of her increasingly rapid breaths. Raising her arms Ash allowed John to pull her top over her head before stepping backwards, away from him._

_Smiling at the low, frustrated growl this separation of their bodies drew from John Ash slowly walked past him towards the door John had just entered from. Without looking back at his shadow obscured form, knowing that he had turned to watch her, Ash walked away from him exaggerating the sway of her body's motion enough that it was visible even in the dim light to the SPECTRE's implant enhanced eyesight. Reaching her destination Ash flicked the lights onto full brightness the sudden flare of illumination momentarily blinding her. Turning back to John Ash smiled at the irritation on his face as he pressed his eyes shut at the discomfort caused by the light._

_"What, mood lighting not good enough for you?" he complained blinking as his eyes struggled to adjust to the light._

_"Nope, I want to see all of you." Ash said, her voice dark with desire. "Now get that armor off, Skipper."_

_Okay, maybe nightfall was her second favorite part of the day._

* * *

"Uh…Commander, you might want to get down to engineering. Apparently, Jack's tearing the place up and scaring Ken." Joker reported sardonically over the ship's intercom.

Exiting the elevator on the engineering deck Shepard could immediately hear the irate yelling of the biotic psychopath. Shaking his head in grim amusement at the dysfunctional crew he had assembled Shepard opened the engineering door to reveal Ken cowering in a corner while Jack's petite body somehow managed to loom over the large Scotsman. Actually, Shepard realized on further reflection, it was quite obvious how Jack managed to look so imposing; it had to be the shimmering biotic field surrounding her and the large shotgun which dwarfed the small hands pointing it at Ken.

As amusing as it would be to watch as the irritating engineer got splattered across the bulkhead Shepard knew he couldn't allow that to happen. The ship needed an engineering crew and if Ken died Gabby would be useless in her grief and Tali was probably going to leave once Shepard finally got around to telling her that their brief romance was off. Sighing in frustration at the demands of being in charge Shepard stepped forward to intervene.

"Jack, get back to your quarters." Shepard growled, the tone in his voice leaving no room for argument or disobedience.

Seeming surprisingly cowed, at least for a powerful, insane, biotic,Jack stormed off to her makeshift quarters the echoes of her parting 'Fuck you Ken, you skirt wearing fag!' ringing throughout the engineering deck.

Rubbing his temples to fight away his approaching headache Shepard wearily motioned for Ken to explain. Trying to regain some dignity Ken straightened himself up and gave a refreshingly concise, military sounding report.

"Sir, engineering lost power for thirteen seconds due to a power surge that caused both the primary and emergency lighting to go down. Once power, and lighting, were restored specialist Jack arrived from the lower deck complaining about the power outage." Ken's authoritative voice trailed off as he could no longer ignore Tali's muffled giggles or Gabby's unabashed chuckling.

Managing to stifle her laughter Gabby chimed in, "And then genius here decides to tease Jack and accuses her of being 'a little girl afraid of the dark'."

Shoulders slumping at Gabby's account Ken lost his military bearing and sheepishly finished explaining to Shepard. "Right, so I guess that struck a nerve and…well you saw the rest of it."

"Got it, Ken. I'll go talk to Jack about this." replied Shepard, an odd, excited smile growing on his face.

Entering Jack's little red lit realm Shepard stopped at the base of the stairs watching the powerful biotic criminal. Jack sat huddled on the narrow cot, knees curled up to her chest and arms wrapped around her shins. Shepard stood watching Jack who appeared too caught up in whatever had set her off at Ken to notice Shepard looking at her. Observing the obvious distress on the woman's face Shepard smiled, here was a problem that needed solving; and a woman who wouldn't fault his more…ruthless actions.

Oblivious to Shepard's presence Jack hugged her legs closer to her body and rocked back and forth lost in vivid memories unable to escape her past.

* * *

_Jack knew something was wrong the instant she saw the door to the decontamination unit. Every three days the first pair of guards escorted her here where she was handed off to a second pair who stood guard at the door of the unit. It was a regular routine on Prugatory designed to prevent the spread of the infectious diseases so common to both ships and prisons, and exponentially worse on prison ships._

_Routine was dangerous. Jack had expected her first test to happen here where her enemies knew when and where she would be giving them the advantage of choosing the ground. As Jack and her guards rounded the last bend before the decontamination unit she noticed the pair that always guarded the chamber were conspicuously absent, apparently her intuition was correct. Smiling in anticipation of the fight, and inevitable killing, she sensed approaching Jack nodded agreeably to the suddenly on edge guards as they motioned for her to enter the chamber before locking the door behind her._

_Entering the dimly lit room Jack quickly took stock of her surroundings turning her back to the room and facing the door once she ascertained that no threats would come from within the small chamber. As she waited for the inevitable attackers to spring their 'trap' Jack let her mind wander while keeping her attention fixed on the door through which her assailants would burst. Jack was surprised at how long it had taken for this to happen here on Purgatory. Based on her prior experiences in various penitentiaries she had come to expect the first real test of her strength to come within a week, Jack had now been here for three weeks with nothing but weak, individual attacks to threaten her. That probably meant her attackers were scared or that the guards were harder to bribe, either way it could only help her._

_After several minutes of waiting Jack's unimpressive amount of patience was exhausted. Bored, Jack decided that at least she could use the decontamination unit while she waited for her tardy attackers; it would save her a trip later and, besides, perhaps her enemies had pussied out. After several minutes during which the sterilizing beams passed over her repeatedly destroying any foreign bodies Jack knocked on the metal door letting whoever was out there know that she was done. The door didn't open but Jack knew the guards would be back with a new prisoner soon so she settled down to wait disappointed at the failure of the expected attack to materialize._

_Soon afterwards the locks clicked off and the door slowly swung open revealing the familiar hallway...which was now completely dark. It was only possible for Jack to see several yards into the hallway before the darkness swallowed the weak beams of light issuing from the decontamination chamber. Seeing movement in the darkness right at the edge of her eyesight Jack felt a sense of foreboding crushing her._

_Suddenly a shape stepped into the small pool of light that stabbed into the hall; it was soon followed by several other forms with still more flitting around the edges of the light. Jack swore loudly at the sight of the menacing figures, they all had night vision equipment. Without warning the decontamination unit's lights went dark leaving Jack surrounded by an impenetrable darkness. Swearing at her earlier overconfidence Jack realized her attacker's delay spoke to a terrifying organization and patience she had yet to meet in a prison population rather than to any weakness._

_Hearing the rush of footsteps Jack blindly threw a panicked shockwave into the hallway satisfied with the sounds of screams and snapping bones punctuated by the sight of flailing limbs revealed in the biotic power's blue, strobe like illumination. Her exultation died, however, as the chaos she had caused quickly dissipated into the impenetrable darkness leaving her position unimproved. The pained moans caused by her shockwave having died down Jack detecting an increase in movement tugging at the periphery of her senses. Jack gathered her powers to release another powerful attack when a searing pain erupted in her head. Stunned, Jack heard a metallic clang as a heavy object dropped to the floor. Reaching a hand to her forehead Jack felt a familiar tacky wetness flow between her fingers before her unseeing eyes crossed and she collapsed onto the unseen, distant floor._

_Consciousness filtered back to Jack in increasingly unappreciated stages. First to return was hearing. A loud buzzing noise filled Jack's ears driving her to shake her head in an attempt to banish the sound; unfortunately she succeeded. The buzzing having gone Jack's newly rediscovered sense reported several deeply pitched grunting noises counterpointed by a higher pitched, wavering note. Slowly more details filtered through; the various noises were picking up speed and there seemed to be words barely discernible amidst the heavy grunting._

_These sounds washed over Jack in rhythmic waves that synced with the sensations reported by her next returning sense. Jack's confused mind attempted to make sense of the various feelings that bombarded her diminished awareness…the pain, the pressure, the _pain_, the aching, the __**pain**__, the exhaustion, and the _**pain**_. Spurred by her body in a reflexive attempt to discover the cause of her distress and how to end it Jack's mind fully surfaced into the nightmare her body already inhabited._

_Working in terrible concert Jack's senses flooded her mind with information. The sound as a hand slapped her bare skin, the feeling of fingers harshly twisting, pulling and pinching a nipple, the smell of sweat, the taste of blood that had run down her face and across her lips, and the sight of darkness enveloping her. Desperately Jack tried to stem the flood of sensations but they kept assaulting her; the sound of a man grunting his pleasure behind her, the feel of a penis stretching her cracked and bleeding lips wide as it pressed into her mouth, the smell of unwashed skin pressed against her nose, the taste of precum mingling with her saliva, and the sight of darkness enveloping her._

_She couldn't stop it; the sensations, the rape, her mind…it all continued without end. The sound of flesh slapping against her ass, the feel of her dry vagina slowly becoming slick with her blood, the smell of the surrounding men's arousal, the taste of bile as she gagged on the cock invading her throat, and the sight of darkness enveloping her. The sound of her muffled cries, the feel of her anal ring giving way to persistent pressure, the smell of her bowels, the taste of semen as the intruder in her throat partially withdrew, and the sight of darkness enveloping her._

_It continued without end, and time lost its meaning becoming merely one more thing to hate. The sound of her rapist's triumphant, climaxing shout, the feel of hot sperm shot into her ass, the smell of her vomit as she heaved in disgust, the taste of her own feces as a soiled penis was thrust into her face, and the sight of darkness enveloping her. The sound of men talking, the feeling of mixed ejaculate and blood cooling and drying on her skin, the smell of fresh air as a door opened, the taste of urine as one man decided her humiliation wasn't complete, and the sight of searing light as power was restored to the room after her rapists had left reentering the concealing darkness of the hallway._

* * *

"Jack, what's going on?" Shepard asked, his voice pulling her from the memories. Whirling about to face him Jack pressed herself further into the Normandy's bulkhead frightened at a male presence. Cautiously stepping further into her commandeered quarters Shepard asked again,

"What's wrong, Jack? Tell me what happened."

"I killed them…actually it might not have been them, but they fucking knew about it. I killed the leaders of each prison gang, the two guards who weren't there, and several others because they sounded or smelled like they might have been there. And I never went into the fucking dark again."

"But I thought you liked the dark, isn't that why you chose to live down here?" asked Shepard, determined to keep Jack talking.

"It's not _too_ dark here, asshole. My eyes can adjust and give me the advantage over someone whose eyes haven't adjusted. It's not the darkness." Jack replied, her voice dropping to a whisper. Looking at Shepard strangely Jack slipped away into her reverie once again.

* * *

_There was no elaborate plan this time, just an electrified segment of flooring a guard activated as Jack walked over it sending her plunging into darkness. Giving the device several additional pulses after she fell, both to ensure her compliance and as revenge for the two Blue Suns she had killed, the mercenary approached her still form while his squad mates covered him warily. As ordered by Warden Kuril the mercs dragged Jack's unconscious form to the cryo chamber as fast as they could._

_They made it just in time. As soon as Jack's arms were restrained she regained consciousness straining to get out of the framework that held her in its immovable grip. Laughing at her struggles one of the mercs signaled to a technician who watched from an overlooking control room. Nodding, the man depressed a button which began the freezing process. Jack frantically scanned the room for a means to escape…there were none. As this realization sank in her muscles locked up from the freezing process and light began to flee Jack's eyes. Blackness crept into the edges of her vision bringing with it pain and despair as Jack was forced by her traitorous muscles to watch the man manipulating the cryo controls finish freezing her. Soon Jack's eyes saw no more, once again darkness reigned._

_Jack had no idea how long she had been frozen for. Her mind had been active the whole time but there was no reference point to gauge the passing of time by. Instead she was trapped in her own mind, the darkness forcing her into repetitive, vivid recollections of the last time she had stared into the darkness. Suddenly, a pinprick of light penetrated the permanent night; hope surged through Jack as her mind regained control of itself._

_Her vision recovered Jack immediately began to assess her situation. The first thing her returned senses reported was the image of a man standing at the cryo controls. Hatred flared through Jack until her mind finished interpreting the scene she saw. Clad in a dark armor, definitely not Blue Suns issue, a human male stood in front of several other figures wisps of smoke caused by sustained firing curling from his gun's muzzle. His feet were planted in the floor which was irrigated by the blood of the cryo technician the half of whose face remained Jack recognized from the moment of her descent into freezing darkness. The man caught her stare and returned it giving Jack a smile and welcoming nod before motioning her attention towards the YMIR mechs surrounding her that were now activating._

_Snarling at the welcome sight of enemies Jack charged her biotics and easily broke her foes asunder causing a satisfying explosion. The grim smile fled from her face, however, as Jack was surrounded once again by darkness when Purgatory's power flickered. Looking around in terror Jack's eyes were drawn to a the faint light coming form the control room window where the black clad man still stood watching her. _

_Frowning Jack stared at the man, who appeared to be…glowing. Not believing her eyes Jack took a closer look; but it was true, a red light seemed to shine from his whole face, but was especially bright where it came from his eyes. Finally emergency lighting kicked in bathing the ship in a reddish light that concealed the man's glow. Growling at her childish fear Jack turned away from the man and tore a new door for herself in the metal bulkhead with her biotics. She didn't know who, or what, that red man was but he was lucky to never have to be in the darkness._

**A/N: The title is new, it is not the second part of Falsa Opinio. That will resurface later but this particular title was too perfect for this chapter.**


	17. Chapter 17: Falsa Opinio pt 2

**A/N: This chapter was a bitch to write requiring several rewrites and I'm still not happy with the result. That being said the plot points I needed to hit have been covered and I can now move on to future chapters that are hopefully less fraught with writer's block.**

**A bit of dialogue is from the game but taken out of context and slightly altered, don't sweat the small differences. There is reference to a plot line which has been dormant for a while so if you need to refresh your memory the events referred to by Shepard on Bekenstein happened in ch. 10: Commeatus.**

**And, as always, please review; it can only improve the story.**

FALSA OPINIO pt. 2

Miranda stood in front of her full length mirror casting a critical gaze over the flawless body it reflected. Finally satisfied that everything did, in fact, live up to her perfect genetic potential Miranda slithered into her favorite lingerie; the sheer, black silk had never failed to attract its target's full attention and, while Miranda did not expect it to be needed for this encounter, it never hurt to be prepared. Feeling her cool hands trace the lines of her freshly shaven legs as she pull the panties on Miranda allowed herself a brief smile…how could the quarian hope to compete with this? It would be laughable if not for its pathetic hopelessness.

Putting on her Cerberus uniform Miranda felt a welcome sensation of relief at the prospect of her plan's imminent success after its many difficulties. Tali had filled her role of bringing Shepard back to operational status to perfection. Between Tali's fawning over Shepard after his suicide attempt and her adolescent-like infatuation with him following her trial the quarian had managed to restore Shepard to a semblance of the man who defeated Saren while managing to become the galaxy's most revered hero despite the other race's inherent distrust of humanity. But now Tali's usefulness had expired and it was time to ensure that Shepard did not become equally enamored of her.

Reviewing her plan to steal Shepard from Tali Miranda's optimism faltered as she remembered that a semblance of that hero was all that Tali had been able to recover. Murdering quarians to secure Tali's acquittal was most definitely not the action of the 'Hero of the Citadel'…but, hopefully a semblance would be enough to defeat the Collectors. Besides, that ruthless streak gave Miranda the ammunition needed to split Tali apart from Shepard if the quarian proved an unexpectedly tough rival. Giving her mirrored image one last inspection Miranda left her office heading for the elevator, confidence apparent in each step she took.

At the sound of the ship's intercom crackling to life Miranda stopped to listen to Joker's request that Shepard get down to engineering to stop Jack from killing Ken. A sense of excitement trickled through Miranda…engineering, a perfect place for this confrontation. Somehow, all of the crew's most disruptive elements, besides Shepard of course, had wound up stationed on that deck. From the Cerberus hating Jack and Tali, to the insane krogan, to the unreliable loyalties of Zaeed, who was only loyal to credits, and Gabby and Ken who were loyal to the 'Hero of the Citadel' rather than to Cerberus the engineering deck was filled with possible sedition. And here was a perfect opportunity to remind all those potential malcontents that Cerberus, and by extension Miranda, was in complete control.

Standing by the elevator doors Miranda heard the lift descend past her on its way to engineering accompanied by the faint sounds of what might have been Shepard's frustrated swearing at Jack's behavior. Miranda decided to give Shepard some time to deal with the irate convict before following him down to engineering, after all Miranda knew that after having to deal with Jack's particular brand of psychosis the contrasting nature of Miranda's own advances would be irresistible. Settling herself against a bulkhead facing the elevator Miranda waited for the proper moment to make her appearance in engineering, and to destroy the meddlesome quarian. _Hell,_ Miranda reflected,_ they _do_ call me the 'Ice Queen'; its time to remind them that they're my subjects._

* * *

Filled with curiosity, and desperate hope, Shepard refused to take the seemingly sensible route and leave the scarred woman to her memories. Instead, he moved closer to the biotic's huddled form warily settling himself against the corner of Jack's desk across from her position on the narrow bed. Watching Jack carefully for signs that she might attack him Shepard began speaking; trying to pull Jack from her reverie hoping that whatever her problem was he could somehow solve it and thereby earn her appreciation, just like the mission to Pragia worked out.

Carefully reviewing what he had learned after having entered engineering Shepard absentmindedly spoke soothing platitudes to the unresponsive convict as he mulled over what Jack's recent actions had revealed. Suddenly, in a flash of rare insight Shepard felt all the clues begin fitting together; Jack's anger triggered by the dark, Ken's accusation of Jack being afraid making it worse, Jack's own unthinking references to 'the darkness'…she really _was_ afraid of the dark. The guards, prison gangs she killed…whatever made her fear the dark had occurred on Purgatory. Taking in Jack's vulnerable looking state as she sat slowly rocking herself back and forth while refusing to acknowledge Shepard's presence in her private sanctuary he remembered the uncharacteristic fear in her eyes when she had seen him before slipping back into her memories…fear of a man in her private space. _She's been raped; and the dark, for some reason, reminds her of it,_ Shepard realized with a twisted feeling of satisfaction,_ maybe this is something I can help her with_.

"Jack, you're safe now. Purgatory is behind you, you're free now." he ventured, hoping to finally breach the woman's dark memories.

When it soon became apparent that Jack was going to continue ignoring him Shepard continued, "Purgatory was destroyed in your escape so we can't blow it up like we did with Pragia but perhaps there's something else I can do to help. How about after all this with the Collectors is over we track down any surviving guards and prisoners, would that help?"

"No, it didn't fucking help when I killed some of them, killing more wouldn't be any different." replied Jack, still refusing to make eye contact with Shepard.

Dismayed at Jack's response Shepard's shoulders slumped at the prospect of not being able to help Jack overcome the ghosts of her past. Continuing to watch Jack, though, Shepard's determination to help her returned; after all she was the only crew member that seemed to need help of any sort at the moment. And, unless he wanted to spend his time thinking about Ashley and his many failures, Shepard didn't have much choice; Jack's pain was the only distraction from his own that was available.

"Tell me something I don't know about you." Shepard said, having realized that Jack's scars could not be healed by violence this time but rather through emotional support which he would have to give if he was to be rewarded with her appreciation.

"Nothing to tell. Why?" came the suspicious response.

"My ship, my rules."

"I'm here to fight for you. Nothing says we have to be friends. But whatever…" Jack said before gathering herself and continuing, "Something you don't know, huh? Obvious stuff like what's up with my ink, or something else just as boring?"

"How about why you're afraid of the dark." Shepard eagerly responded.

"Fuck you, commander. I told that asshole Ken and I'll tell you; I am not afraid of the dark." Jack replied defiantly.

"Really?" asked Shepard his voice dripping sarcasm, before he called up EDI and issued the AI orders, "EDI, shut down all power to lower engineering's lights…both primary and secondary."

Several minutes later with his sense of hearing heightened in the enveloping darkness Shepard could detect the barely audible sobs of the distressed biotic. Satisfied that his point had been made Shepard ordered EDI to turn power back on before returning his attention to Jack who was rising to stand from her previous huddled position, "Let's try this again okay, Jack? Obviously there _is_ something to talk about, you're afraid of the dark...so, talk to me."

"Damn it, Shepard! Fine, I'll 'talk' to you just keep the fucking lights on. But…before I do talk it's my turn with the questions. People usually walk by now, why are you really asking me this? Are you eyeing me up? 'Cause if this is just about sex maybe you should just fucking say so."

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to."

"Figured. People always want something. Well, what, right now then?" said Jack as she circled Shepard, a predatory glint in her eyes as she gave him a challenging push.

"Alright, Jack. I like how you move." Shepard answered as he pulled the slender woman to his chest leaning down to kiss her.

"I bet you do." answered Jack roughly shoving Shepard backwards against a bulkhead before his lips could find hers.

Darting towards the off balance SPECTRE Jack grabbed his throat forcing him into a deep kiss on her terms. Breathing heavily the convict broke away from Shepard walking backwards to her desk which she quickly swept clear. Having knocked any impediments to the floor Jack threw Shepard a challenging stare that prompted him to follow her lead and finish clearing off her desk. Once an area was cleared for them Jack again leapt at Shepard jumping up to wrap her legs around his waist forcing him to bear her weight as she writhed against him.

Stumbling back and forth the two fought for dominance with first one and then the other managing to control the pace of their encounter. Finally, after slamming Shepard against a bulkhead, Jack was able to catch him off balance and tip him onto his back atop her desk with her still firmly straddling his waist. Smiling at her victory Jack leaned back from where she had been pressed against Shepard's chest and ground her weight against him feeling his hardness twitch beneath her.

Tilting her head back in anticipation Jack eagerly unzipped her pants before doing the same to Shepard. Still fully clothed, or at least as clothed as Jack ever was, she guided his length inside of her crying out as Shepard entered her fully, causing Jack's eyes to roll back in ecstasy. Moving herself faster and faster as her orgasm built Jack slid up and down Shepard her cries growing louder as her pleasure intensified. Rocking aggressively against Shepard grinding her hips in circles on his Jack suddenly tensed in anticipation of release…until she felt Shepard's hands grasp her hips possessively.

At the feel of Shepard trying to take control of her Jack panicked, memories of Purgatory flooding back, gasping she threw herself off of Shepard frantically looking for somewhere to hide. Propping himself up on his elbows Shepard watched in bewilderment as the frantic woman desperately backed away from him. Cursing himself Shepard realized that if his guess about a prison rape was correct then having sex with her probably wasn't the correct way to go about helping her. Desperate to repair the damage he had caused Shepard pleaded with her, "Jack, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen…I'll leave now, okay."

Hearing his voice seemed to shake Jack out of her blind panic, though her eyes remained wild with fear. Looking at Shepard Jack saw the glowing light of his scars and remembered the sight of him releasing her from the darkness of her frozen nightmares. Slowly calming down Jack saw the obvious concern in Shepard's expression and made a sudden decision to accept his help.

Gathering her courage Jack began speaking, though she still avoided eye contact, "Shepard, on Purgatory I…I was raped."

"I guessed as much, Jack. And I sorry for doing this, it's not what I meant to do; I really do just want to help you." Shepard responded gently.

Ignoring him Jack kept talking, tears beginning to leak from her eyes leaving trails of make up across her face, "They used darkness to get the drop on me and I couldn't stop them from…doing it." Finally mastering her fear Jack managed to look Shepard in the eyes before continuing, "I want your help, Shepard. You freed me from those memories once; maybe you can do it again."

"Anything you think will help, Jack." replied Shepard immediately, though he was confused at her mention of him saving her from memories, "What do you need me to do?"

"Those bastards on Purgatory took control from me, only light gave be back control of my own body. Then the same fucking thing happened with cryo; only when you got me out of that darkness could I control my body again." taking a deep breath Jack forced herself to continue, "Could, could you let me be in control? I want you…but I, I need you to give me control of my body again."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Just lie down and do what I tell you to." said Jack, her voice growing stronger.

"Okay, but first let me get rid of the engineering crew."

* * *

Having waited by the elevator for twenty minutes Miranda decided she had given Shepard enough time to deal with Jack and summoned the elevator to the crew deck. Upon exiting the elevator Miranda found the entire motley engineering crew, as well as the specialists quartered on the deck, standing nervously outside the door to engineering. Their expressions ranged from the Zaeed's leering grin to Gabby and Ken's unsettled faces.

"What's going on here?" Miranda inquired, cocking a perfectly groomed eyebrow.

After several seconds of awkward silence Zaeed let out a coarse chuckle before explaining, "Well, Shepard apparently got fed up with the psycho's attitude, ordered us all to stay out here. And then the screaming started; it only stopped a couple of minutes ago."

Eyes losing their focus as the scarred merc relived his memories Zaeed continued, "I haven't heard someone scream like that since this one time when me and some of my mates took down a slaver ship full of asari. Ah, I'll never forget how those caged bluebirds sang…good times."

Hearing a soft sob at Zaeed's words Miranda tore her disdainful gaze from the merc to look at Tali. The quarian stood motionless, except for a barely discernible shaking, facing away from the engineering door looking into the vehicle bay as she desperately hugged herself. Managing to suppress a smile at Tali's distress Miranda was pleased that Shepard's harsh punishment of Jack had apparently shown Tali just what he was without Miranda having to utilize the information about the murdered quarians, now that could be saved for a future need…after all knowledge is power. Content with this turn of events Miranda resigned herself to waiting in the hallway enjoying her unexpected victory over both Tali and Jack.

* * *

"Talk to me, Jack"  
"Are you fucking kidding me, you want another of those chats now?" the biotic responded from where she sprawled exhausted on her cot.

"Yes. I want to help you and, while letting you be dominant might be somewhat helpful, talking about problems is more effective; at least according to what the ship's resident shrink has told me repeatedly."

"But you said you wanted sex from me."

"No, I could have waited for the sex. But you are right; I do want something from you now."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" asked Jack suddenly wary.

"I need to see you happy, that's not so bad now is it?" he responded soothingly.

"Isn't that what you were just doing, dumbshit." Jack caustically replied.

"Funny, but that wasn't enough. I need you to be at peace with yourself, Pragia helped with that, this helped, but I think this thing with the dark still haunts you."

"No it doesn't."

"In that case you won't mind if I have EDI turn the lights off, will you?"

"Nope, not at all."

"Okay," Shepard said before calling EDI's avatar back up, "EDI, turn off power to…"

"Stop! Fine, Shepard you win, just leave the fucking lights on." Jack pleaded before remembering something Shepard had just said that she had forgotten in her panic over the lights, "So, what is it you want from me then, if not sex?"

"Let me lay this out for you simply; I help you, then you're so grateful and happy with the result of my help that you realize you need me." Shepard calmly stated.

"You're insane. How the hell did I get labeled the psycho on this ship?"

"Because you're afraid of the dark and are still trying to refuse help."

"I…I just don't want to talk about that, Shepard. Please, just go away."

Surprised at the pleading tone in Jack's normally confident voice Shepard decided to continue being patient with her in the hope that eventually Jack would let him help her. "I want to know more, and I'm not going away. So, if you don't want to talk about that yet, then tell me about something else."

"You're not really interested unless it affects you. I've been through all this shit before, even if what you want _is_ a little different from what most assholes are after."

"Just because I'm after something doesn't mean you can't benefit from it as well." Shepard confidently replied.

"Maybe..." Jack said skeptically, "I have eyes, and I have history. You'll back off as soon as you realize you're not the first and I'm immune to your 'help'."

"You work pretty hard at not letting people get close."

"You let someone get that close, it just means they need a shorter knife. Lonely and alive works just fine, thanks."

"I know you've been betrayed a lot, Jack; and I can't make all that go away, not in a few talks."

"No kidding, told you this wouldn't work. Guess you'll be spending more time upstairs with the quarian."

"No…I'll be here."

"Why? I don't get you. Why do you keep bothering me?" The biotic asked in frustrated bewilderment.

"Because I know from experience that lonely and alive is not 'just fine'; there needs to be something more. Remember when we had a talk on Bekenstein after blowing up the refueling station? You said you'd help me move on from my past. I need that help and if you let me aid you in getting over your own past you'll have given me what I need too."

"Fuck it…I'll talk, but not about Purgatory, at least not yet."

At Shepard's nodded agreement Jack continued, "Murtagh, a guy, used me like the rest, for sex, for biotics…it was fun. Then he ruined everything. We tagged a weapons frigate and got separated. He had a choice, leave with the guns or come back for me. Idiot dumped the score…I made it to the shuttle but no way he was getting out."

Seeing Shepard's interested expression Jack went on, her voice cracking, "I fly for a day or so, then the shuttle kicks out this recording; he'd set it to play if he hadn't checked in. He talked about the future we were supposed to have, how he planned to set us up a home, how…how he loved me and he was sorry it wasn't going to happen."

Imitating the empathy Kelly always employed when talking to him Shepard questioned Jack, "And you feel like it was you fault?"

"Murtagh did it to himself; you feel, you get sloppy. It's that damn simple. He found out and you found out when that Alliance bitch left you, you're just lucky to have made it this far because your aims so damn bad you can't even shoot your own head." Jack spat at Shepard.

Silence followed Jack's last, accusatory statement seemingly stretching out to fill the room with Shepard's anger. Finally Shepard broke the tense silence, "You're right, Jack. Feelings do weaken us…if they are out of balance."

Bowing his head Shepard appeared to gather himself before continuing, "Let me explain, I've come to learn during my unwanted second life that if one emotion dominates your existence then you are weakened by it, but if there is a balance you can endure the travails of life. For example, as you said, I was weakened by the pain my 'love' for Ashley exposed me to, I had placed too much of myself into that emotion. The same thing happened retroactively for you when Murtagh's actions on your behalf were revealed. We both replaced that feeling of love, which had caused us pain, with anger and hatred in an effort to never have to deal with that pain again. But look at the different pains that decision has caused us to suffer instead; I have lost everything good from my previous life and am completely alone, just as you are. This has weakened both of us; I couldn't live with my losses and tried to kill myself. You, meanwhile, have no ability to cope with distress besides anger and, when that fails as a coping mechanism, you're lost. Your fear of the dark which anger couldn't solve by killing people is proof of that."

"If you're such a fucking genius then what do we do about it?" demanded Jack, captivated by Shepard's bizarre monologue.

"We find feelings to compete with the hatred and anger but we don't let any of them become predominant. I've found lust to be somewhat useful but lately I've used the appreciation of others to vicariously experience pleasant emotions. Anger and lust are still necessary, though, so I need to find someone who appreciates those emotions as well."

"So that's why you want to help me, the quarian can't fill your lust or anger. Just like I said, 'everyone wants something'. Too bad you're not very good at helping; turning the lights off on someone terrified of the dark and having sex with a rape victim aren't really that fucking helpful."

"Yeah…sorry about that, I'm still working on this, okay?" Shepard said sheepishly.

"Well try harder, Shepard." complained Jack before continuing hesitantly, "You said…lust can be used, right?"

"Sure."

Standing up from her bed Jack approached where Shepard sat on her desk placing her foot on his chest and kicking him sprawling onto his back. Climbing over him Jack whispered, "Remember, I'm in control…and you will call me Mistress."

* * *

"Listen, sounds like Jack's recovered enough for Shepard to start in again." laughed Zaeed breaking the silence in the hallway outside engineering, his auditory implants allowing him to detect the noise before anyone else could.

Shaken out of the trance she had slipped into waiting for Shepard to finish punishing the convict Miranda straightened herself trying to hear what Zaeed was talking about. Slowly the noises filtered to her as they grew in strength.

"What! Are those the same sounds you heard earlier?" exclaimed Miranda, shocked at what she heard coming from the engineering bay.

"Sure are, couldn't mistake that for anything else in the galaxy."

"But I thought you said the asari slavers you captured made that noise." Miranda said in confusion.

"No, no, no…the _slavers_ were batarians, they just yelled and then kind of gurgled before dying. It was the _slaves_ who were asari, and they sounded like that, though with much less swearing. They were very appreciative of our efforts."

"Hah, gurgling." Chuckled Grunt, once again outpaced by the conversation.

Looking around her at the irritating inhabitants of the engineering deck Miranda took in the crewmembers' various responses. The expression of Gabby and Ken spoke of embarrassment while the quiet, stifled sobs of Tali would have been heartbreaking, if a heartbroken Tali wasn't part of your plan. Cursing this turn of events Miranda stormed into the elevator leaving the engineering deck behind her and heading for the communications room. As much as Miranda wished she didn't have to, it was her duty to report this latest development to the Illusive Man.

Several minutes later Miranda stood stoically in front of the Illusive Man's image having given her report. Her calm fading at under his displeasure Miranda summarized her report at the Illusive Man's request.

"Yes sir, Shepard and Jack were engaged in sexual activities." Miranda repeated, sure the Illusive Man made her say this again simply to impress upon her the extent of her failure.

"I see. This is an unacceptable situation, Operative Lawson. According to all the reports filed by Kelly Shepard has been extremely open to influences since his resurrection, especially from people he feels a relationship with. We assigned you to Project Lazarus so you could build a relationship with Shepard and use it to ensure that our investment is returned. We even engineered his isolation from Chief Williams so you could step into that void. You have failed to do so, though."

"Yes sir." Miranda ground out through clenched teeth, furious at the Illusive Man's rebuke.

"Cerberus has invested too many resources into Shepard to allow him to be influenced by a psychopath who hates our organization so deeply. We have taken all the capital risks of fighting the Reapers and we need to recoup that investment to insure Cerberus, and humanity's dominance once they are defeated. Getting Shepard to fight the Reapers doesn't require much influence; his instinct is to fight against impossible odds. What we need influence for is the get him to fight for Cerberus' interests. That, Miranda, was your mission in Project Lazarus." The Illusive Man lashed out, frustration finally breaching his façade of calm control.

"I know sir. This is a setback but I'm already developing several plans that can get this project back on track." Miranda said in an attempt to defend her performance.

"We'll see about that, Miranda. Remember, if you fail at this so many of our resources will have been squandered that we might have to find new sources of funding… perhaps even sources that were once allies but are now enemies. If we have something they want badly enough to convince them that investing in us is worthwhile."

"Yes sir, I understand. I will complete the mission, at any cost." stated Miranda, her face paling at the Illusive Man's implied threat.


	18. Chapter 18: Meditari

**A/N: This chapter has a small change to canon but nothing that is earthshaking or even necessarily ruled out by the in game events. The Project Overlord DLC is a part of this chapter so if you haven't played it yet I encourage you to do so or, if you don't plan on ever playing it, read about the DLC's plot online. As always, please review and thank you to those who have taken the time to do so already.**

MEDITARI

The unlocked door slid open smoothly as Shepard confidently stepped into the room before the portal had a chance to completely open. Lost in thought Shepard paid no heed to his immediate surroundings and it therefore took a moment for his eyes to convince his mind of the unlikely sight spread out before him. Blinking in surprise Shepard remained silent as he took in the view offered by Miranda.

Standing in front of her bed the beautiful woman, impractically clad only in a black thong and stiletto heels, had one foot placed atop an ottoman as she bent forward sharply at the waist in a provocative position, her arms reaching down her shapely thigh to her calf. At the sound of Shepard's entrance Miranda simply froze in the act of pulling a black stocking up her leg and looked at him. Surprised at Miranda's lack of reaction Shepard stood still for a moment to allow the undressed woman a chance to begin either screaming at him to get out, attempting to cover herself, or both, in an attempt to regain her modesty.

After several seconds had passed without Miranda moving, except to fix him with an intense gaze over her smooth skinned shoulder, Shepard decided to treat the situation as calmly as Miranda was and to simply forge ahead with his purpose for coming here, "Oh, excuse me, Miranda…when we next go to the Citadel I need you to buy some more of the provisions the Mess Sergeant likes, it has done wonders for morale and we can't afford to run out of it now. Though, if this is your new uniform, perhaps improved rations won't be needed."

"Of course, Commander." Miranda replied, her tone even despite her exposed and potentially embarrassing situation

"Okay…If you need me I'll be down in engineering, contact me when we're approaching the Citadel. And, in the future, you might want to lock your door when you're changing." continuing to act oblivious to the awkwardness that should have been present Shepard grinned and jokingly continued, "Especially if Ken finds out about this, then you'd have him popping in and out of here constantly."

After Shepard left and the doors had slid shut, locked this time, Miranda threw herself into her chair, self loathing written across her normally impassive face. She knew this latest attempt lacked any subtlety, it could have been modeled after a porn beginning, but she was fast running out of options. Replaying the events of this latest failed attempt to ensnare Shepard Miranda's disgust at her desperation only increased as she remembered Shepard's statement about going down to engineering. _Doubtlessly to fuck that bald bitch,_ Miranda ranted in the privacy of her mind_._

That reminder of her failure quickly changed her anger at Shepard, Jack, herself, and The Illusive Man into the bilious taste of fear. The catalyst for this latest failed seduction had been a message sent to her by an independent informant Miranda had recruited from outside Cerberus to watch over Oriana. Relayed through secure channels Miranda had received the message from her asari agent Lanteia at an anonymous extranet terminal in Afterlife earlier that day during the Normandy's short layover on Omega.

Remembering the message Miranda shivered in fear despite her usual perfect self control. Lanteia's report was concise, its brevity making it all the more frightening. According to the asari, she had been unaware of anything out of the ordinary concerning Oriana's safety until a Cerberus operative contacted her. Escorting her, at gunpoint, to a concealed position overlooking Oriana's dwelling the operative showed Lanteia several suspicious looking characters that appeared to have Oriana under surveillance. After this demonstration of Oriana's vulnerability the operative had ordered Lanteia to inform Miranda of Cerberus' plan to relocate Oriana and her family in a nine days; just before Eclipse, who the suspicious characters reported to, would be ready to move in.

Managing to calm herself Miranda once again ran through the implications of Lanteia's report, desperate to find some glimmer of hope. There was none to be found. _Lanteia was my sole way of hedging the bet I made that Cerberus would protect Oriana from our father. And now Lanteia is compromised leaving Oriana, and myself, at the dubious mercy of Cerberus. The Illusive Man has always used Oriana to ensure my loyalty but now, with my repeated failures to establish firm control over Shepard, Cerberus is sending me a message…and an ultimatum._

_The Illusive Man threatened to reveal Oriana's whereabouts to our father but this is a step further; for mercs to be stalking her Oriana's location must have already been revealed to our father. Additionally, Lanteia's forced involvement is a reminder from the Illusive Man of his superiority; I can't compete with his resources or his intelligence network. He is sending me a message; complete the mission or my deal with Cerberus concerning Oriana will be over. If that happens Oriana will be turned over to our father…and there won't be anything I can do to stop it._

_I _need_ to finish this mission successfully._ Her resolve strengthened Miranda stood from her slumped and defeated position in the chair and dressed in a far more practical manner than her earlier attire. Leaving her recent, desperate attempt to seduce Shepard forgotten Miranda forced her formidable intellect to begin planning a more subtle, effective course of action.

* * *

"EDI, shut down primary and secondary lighting in the lower engineering deck."

"Yes, Commander." The even tones of the AI responded as the room plunged into an impenetrable darkness.

"There…you see, it's getting better." Shepard reassured after several minutes of silent waiting in the darkness.

"Maybe, but it doesn't fucking count if you're here." Jack shot back from where she sat only inches away from Shepard on her bed but still invisible in the dark.

"Sure it does, only a couple of days ago you were scared of the mere though of the lights turning off, even with me down here. Now look at you…it's been five minutes and you're not crying or getting angry."

"Fuck you, Shepard…I don't cry. Besides, it isn't completely dark, not with your glowing face sitting there."

"It's not that bright, Jack." Shepard said reproachfully, "My scars don't cast enough light to see by…not like some evil night-light."

"A what?"

"Never mind, Jack." responded Shepard, remembering Jack had probably never encountered night-lights during her nightmarish childhood. "The point is, it is functionally pitch black in here and you're not scared like you used to be."

"Whatever, Commander."

Annoyed at Jack's stubborn refusal to see improvement Shepard decided to take a risk and push his crude regimen of immersion therapy to the next level. Moving slowly so his clothing didn't give a telltale rustle Shepard carefully circled an arm around where Jack sat. Just before touching her, his hand hovering over Jack's waist, Shepard spoke, "Jack, remember I'm here to help you and that you're safe here."

Confused at his statement Jack turned to look into the glow of Shepard's eyes. Suddenly she felt a light touch on the bare skin of her torso that quickly grew into a firm grasp around her waist. Panicking at the sensation and its reminder of her rape Jack desperately struggled to pull away from the unseen arm only to find herself being drawn slowly yet irresistibly towards the red fire of Shepard's scarred visage. Fear overriding her limited restraint Jack felt her biotic power begin welling up, begging to be used to defend herself from the threat within her memories.

Feeling Jack tensing under his touch Shepard softly spoke reassuring words to her, "It's okay, Jack. Purgatory's gone, it's only me…don't worry, no one will hurt you here."

Reluctantly allowing herself to be placated by Shepard's words Jack felt herself pulled into Shepard's arms, her slim form pressed against his hard chest in a firm yet undemanding grip. Looking up at his face Jack saw the glowing scars ripple and stretch in what might have been a smile as she permitted his hands to gently caress her bare back and shoulders. As the tension ebbed from the air Shepard once again spoke, "On Bekenstein you suggested that the way to forget the past was to simply make new, good memories to replace the old. What do you say to making a new memory about the dark, do you feel ready?"

Several seconds passed, though they felt like minutes to Shepard, as Jack considered his words. Finally she answered in an unusually light, teasing tone, "That's a good idea, Shepard…after all, it was my idea. There is, however, a problem with your plan; I think you have an inflated opinion of your ability."

Leaning forward as she said this Jack watched Shepard's scars move as his expression once again shifted upon hearing her words. Having determined which scars likely outlined his mouth Jack questioningly pressed her lips against the darkness she guessed to be his mouth. Feeling their lips touch Jack smiled into his mouth before she hungrily deepened the kiss determined to create new, good memories.

* * *

The latest mission was officially considered a success, though in Miranda's opinion it had been disastrous. Having left the Citadel the Normandy had made its way to a secret Cerberus research facility to investigate the station's sudden silence. Once there the away team had been forced to fight through waves of VI infected geth and combat mechs before finally reaching the VI core and ending the 'infection'.

To this point everything had progressed as planned but here, as the nature of the VI 'infection' was revealed, the wheels had come off the operation for Miranda. Confronted with the, admittedly unethical, behavior of the Cerberus scientists Shepard faced the decision of what to do with the autistic test subject David who was the heart of the experiment. Personally, Miranda hadn't cared what Shepard decided to do with the tortured man but she knew that the Illusive Man's whole purpose behind the mission was to test Miranda's ability to control Shepard's decision making. A test she had failed.

Grimacing at the memory of Shepard's decision to send the test subject to the philanthropic Grissom Academy Miranda's composure fractured; throwing a data reader across the room she slumped back into her chair in a fit of frustration. Shepard's decision regarding the test subject's fate had simultaneously validated both the Illusive Man's desire to control the unpredictable Shepard and Miranda's continued failure to exert the required control.

Just as the Illusive Man had predicted Shepard's decision was not based on any moral compunction against the human cost of the experiment, this new, post-resurrection Shepard didn't care about that kind of thing, but rather on a combination of personal animosity towards Ceberus for resurrecting him and, more importantly, thedesire of his current lover. And, that lover being Jack, Shepard had done all in his power to save the defenseless test subject from the 'evil' Cerberus scientists. There was no doubt in Miranda's mind that had she been in Jack's enviable position it would have been a simple matter to convince Shepard to leave David in Cerberus' control despite Shepard's personal dislike of Cerbeus.

Shepard's decision to remove David from Project Overlord set back Cerberus research by several years and was clearly contrary to the Illusive Man's desires. This only further heightened Miranda's now precarious position in Cerberus putting Oriana in even greater danger. Miranda knew Eclipse still had Oriana under surveillance and that Cerberus' relocation plan was to wait until the last second in an attempt to gather intelligence on Eclipse through counter surveillance before swooping in just before Eclipse and relocating Oriana. All it would take would be for the Illusive Man to become fed up with Miranda's failure and tell the extraction team on Illium to delay their operation for twelve hours and Oriana would be caught.

Disgusted at her self-pitying train of thought Miranda willed herself to sit up straight and get to work solving the problems presented by Shepard's continued independence from her manipulations. Determined to not repeat the embarrassing mistakes that had resulted in her failed, crude attempts at seduction Miranda mentally reviewed her latest plan.

Unlike her previous, desperate attempts this new plan incorporated everything Miranda knew of Shepard's weaknesses based on her own observations of Shepard's behavior, Kelly's psych reports, and information carefully gleaned from squad members Shepard had partially opened up to; such as Garrus and Tali. From these sources Miranda had devised a two phased assault on Shepard's independence from her. First, Miranda needed to destroy Shepard's relationship with Jack. Only then could she complete her mission and replace Jack in trying to occupy the void in Shepard left by Chief Williams that he had been desperately trying to fill since Horizon.

To accomplish these objectives Miranda had developed a three pronged attack. First, she would present herself as a 'damsel in distress'. Based on Miranda's own observations of Shepard's behavior towards first Tali and then Jack, as well as Kelly's psych reports, it was clear that Shepard would respond to a person in need of his help; and it would be particularly appealing to Shepard if his help showed immediate, concrete returns in the form of improvement or profuse thanks on the recipient's part.

Second, because of Shepard's animosity towards Cerberus it was imperative to present herself as somehow separate from the organization, if possible even hostile towards it. This was a difficult proposition due to Miranda's constant defending of Cerberus's goals and methodology but by no means impossible, especially because with the Illusive Man's increasingly threatening position towards Oriana a schism between Miranda and Cerberus wasn't as far fetched as it would have been before the chaos of Project Lazarus.

And lastly, Miranda had to out do her competition for Shepard's attention. Most of Miranda's potential rivals had already either betrayed him, like Liara, or been alienated by the post-resurrection Shepard's behavior; such as Tali, Ashley, and various other previously star struck women scattered in ports across the galaxy. They were not threats...but Jack was. Jack was loyal to Shepard and accepted his aid; both appreciating it and improving from the help. Additionally, unlike the quarian, Jack could fulfill his carnal needs; Jack was unexpectedly tough competition…at least for a bald, scarred convict. To replace Jack Miranda knew she needed a trait the psychopath couldn't match…if only she could find that elusive attribute Miranda would have her opportunity to finally make Project Lazarus a success, and by doing so keep Oriana safe.

So far Miranda knew her plan was solid, but she had not been able to find the necessary trait that would catapult her into Jack's current position as Shepard's lover. Stymied, Miranda dug through the various files she had on Shepard hoping something, anything would emerge…and there it was. _Family_, Shepard had lost his family on Mindoir. Her excitement at the possibilities this presented growing Miranda scrambled to find the Cerberus intelligence files on Shepard's brief post-Saren activities. Amid numerous Cerberus reports on combat effectiveness and diplomatic acuity was a single report on Shepard's 'regulation defying affair with his subordinate Chief Ashley Williams who, based on Shepard's financial records, is probably soon to be the recipient of a moderately expensive engagement ring.'

For the first time since her last conversation with the Illusive Man when he had threatened her sister Miranda smiled as the pieces of her plan finally coalesced…and grew in ambition. Ordering EDI to request Shepard report to her office Miranda leaned back in her chair, excitement at the possibilities she now saw swirling around Shepard manifesting itself in a cold, calculating smile.


	19. Chapter 19: Propositio

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to review, especially **demonicnargles** and **noobbody **for their many reviews, the feedback is much appreciated and I urge the rest of you to follow their fine example. **

**Remember: **_**italics**_** are flashbacks, memories, etc. while **Bold type **is a letter. ****There won't always be page breaks between memories and current events but pay attention to the font and it shouldn't be too confusing.**

**Lastly, this is a long chapter but I couldn't see a spot where it could be broken in two without compromising the continuity I feel the story benefits from. That said, this was a royal bitch to write with a lot happening; scheming, flashbacks, plot advancement. So, if anything is unclear please send me a message or a review and I'll explain it to you and, if several people ask the same thing, I'll clarify it in a later chapter as well.**

PROPOSITIO

_"Ash, how about dinner at seven tonight?"_

_"Sure Skipper, but I don't think a reservation is needed for the mess hall."_

_Laughing lightly John elaborated, "You're right, of course, but I thought perhaps we would go planet-side this evening."_

_"Is that safe? I know we dispersed the main red sand cartel concentrations but the Alliance hasn't declared the whole city secure yet." protested Ash._

_"I know… but we'll be in the secured area so it should be safe enough, and if something does happen we're more than capable of taking care of ourselves until reinforcements arrive."_

_"True, but is that is your idea of an intimate dinner; one in which 'reinforcements' might be necessary?"_

_"I suppose not." John agreed, sighing disconsolately before making one last, hopeful attempt to convince Ash, "But is watching Tali sucking down a tube of paste or Wrex attacking his food like it somehow offended him really more romantic than a little combat?"_

_Struggling to remain firm in the face of John's pleas Ash countered, "I hate to admit it but you do have a point. Still, the risks of relaxing in a city still under martial law…" trailing off as she noticed John's deflating expression Ash sighed in resignation, "…might just be worth it. Fine, I'll meet you by the airlock at six o'clock."_

_His facing instantly lighting up John exclaimed, "Great! I'll make all the arrangements. Oh! Almost forgot...I know you like your armor but the restaurant we're going has a dress code that somehow overlooked including heavy armor, no matter how pink it is or how well it accentuates your brea-uh…physique." _

Sitting in her room Ashley wept at the memory of Shepard playing through her mind. This was one of her favorites, though she couldn't quite figure out why that was, and therefore Ashley had forced herself to forget it.

After Shepard's death Ashley had retreated into her memories ignoring the necessities of the living. Forgetting to eat, drink, or sleep Ashley's detachment from reality reached the point where Garrus had found her unconscious one morning after she failed to report to duty. Calling in a favor he brought Ashley to Dr. Michel's clinic, so the Alliance didn't find out about her condition, where she recovered physically under the doctor's supervision.

Disgusted at the weakness her collapse indicated Ashley had locked her memories away, trying to force herself to forget Shepard. It was a slow process but eventually Ashley had managed to reach a point where not every random sound, smell, or sight would trigger a flashback to him. For almost two years since Shepard's death, which had come only days after their 'last supper' alone together, Ashley had refused to endure the pain this memory recalled as it reminded her of Shepard's loss.

At times Ashley found herself reflecting on this behavior; knowing intellectually that it was not a healthy coping mechanism but still unwilling to face her memories. Unbidden her military mind drew a comparison between her wounded emotional state and battlefield first aid; just like a broken bone that would heal in a twisted mockery of its proper form if left unset Ashley's coping mechanism ignored the cause of her 'injury' in favor of avoiding the pain that addressing the problem, just like setting a bone, would necessitate. This realization only served to further deepen Ashley's self-loathing at her inability to defeat her unseen enemy as she shied away from the pain and allowed her memories to scar over in a mass of ruined, poorly healed emotions.

And then came Horizon; the sight of his eerily glowing face tore her own scars open as her ability to ignore the past instantly failed her; leaving her once again with a festering, unhealed wound. With Shepard's return Ashley found she was either unable or unwilling to continue ignoring her memories. Following the logic of her first aid metaphor Ashley knew the next, necessary step in reaching equilibrium with her memories; to re-break the wrongly set bone.

With fresh determination Ashley had begun 're-setting' her memories; first she had allowed herself to remember moments of passion and physical intimacy until she could relive them while experiencing a sense of longing rather than the earlier sense of acute loss and self-recrimination at surviving the Normandy's demise while Shepard had died. Progressing from these thoughts to memories of the few opportunities they had to simply relax together during their brief relationship before they were torn apart by death Ashley had managed to establish a tentative balance between her sense of painful loss and pleasant recollection.

Testing this fragile _détente_ Ashley, for the first time since her hospitalization, allowed herself to slip willingly back into the memory of her 'last supper'. Eyes shining with the tears memory of her loss brought Ashley smiled through them as her mind retreated into the past.

_Ash walked out of the elevator and into the Normandy's CIC smiling at the welcome sight of John waiting for her by the airlock door. As she quietly approached him several details stood out demanding her attention. Most noticeable was John's nervousness as he stood there shifting back and forth while wringing his hands in a fair impression of Tali's nervous tics. The obvious signs of his discomfort could be seen by anyone, not just someone who knew John as intimately as Ash had come to. Proof of this could be seen in the second detail Ash observed; the dagger like glares John shot at the nearby helmsman as Joker attempted, rather unsuccessfully, to stifle his laughter at the normally cool and collected SPECTRE's nervousness._

_Her smile widening at the pair's juvenile behavior Ash came to a stop several steps away from John who was too busy shooting deathrays from his eyes at Joker to notice Ash's stealthy approach. Oblivious to her presence Joker sarcastically remarked to John, "Yeah…real smooth choice for a date night, Commander. I bet it was next to impossible to get reservations to the only restaurant in the city that hasn't been bombed yet."_

_"Shut up, Joker or I'll make sure that pretty, young warrant officer you're always staring at gets a look at your extranet history."_

_"Okay, okay, I was just joking…By the way, do you have it?"_

_"Have what?" Ash interjected, having had her fill of their bantering and deciding to make her presence known._

_"Uh…nothing, Ash." a surprised John managed to stammer over Joker's redoubled snickering._

_"I see…" she replied suspiciously._

_"Well, anyways, shall we go?" suggested John abruptly in an attempt to change the subject as he motioned Ash into the decontamination chamber._

Jerked from her recollection by the squeaking of hinges Ashley turned to look at the intruder who had interrupted her reverie. Ignoring Ashley's irritated glare Abby entered the room and pulled up a chair to where Ashley sat in front of her desk. Remaining silent Abby glanced at Ashley noticing her red, puffy eyes before turning her attention to the blank screen in front of Ashley. Still quiet Abby appeared to contemplate the empty page in front of her on the screen before finally returning her attention to Ashley.

Breaking the silence Abby spoke softly, "Still haven't written him?"

"…No." Ashley replied hesitantly.

"Why not?"

Tired of feeling isolated Ashley decided to accept Abby's help. Her shoulders slumping as tension drained out of her Ashley slowly began to speak, "I, I guess I just don't know what to say to him."

Drawing strength from anger at her weakness Ashley started to speak more forcefully, "It hurt so much when he died; and then he came back after such a long time and everything had changed. I know I've changed since then, though I still love him…but that's the problem. I love _him,_ Commander John Shepard, Hero of the Citadel, my Skipper…my captain. What if he isn't that man anymore? I know I can't go through the pain of losing him again if he turns out to have become someone I can no longer love."

"I understand that fear, Ashley…but isn't it worth the risk? No offence, but look at you now; you're on forced administrative leave, losing weight because you don't eat, and we can hear you crying yourself to sleep every other night." Abby stated firmly, determined to force Ashley to listen to her words, "I'd say you're already acting like you've lost him a second time, so what do you have to lose in trying to get him back? Isn't it worth the risk?"

Her voice choking as long checked emotion escaped her control Ashley forced herself to articulate her fear, "My memories…I could lose those too."

"What do you mean?" Abby asked, worried at the downwards spiral the conversation seemed to be heading into.

"We only had a couple of months together before…" her voice cut off by a quiet sob Ashley swallowed hard and forced herself to continue, "…before he died. What, what if he didn't really love me?"

"Ash! How can you say that after all you two went through together? I'm sure he loved you." Abby exclaimed, alarmed by Ash's revisionist history.

"Exactly, we went through so much but never had a chance to really just _be_ together. Our time was a series of brief collisions of need between seemingly endless trials. First the various up and downs of the Saren mission, then mother's death, the flood in Budapest stealing our one chance to slow down and really learn about each other, and finally the stress of our operation against the geth remnants."

"Ash…"

Cutting Abby off Ashley continued, "I've seen soldiers couple up before out of stress. Hell, it appears to be a universal reaction, I even overheard Garrus telling Kaiden a story about 'blowing off steam' with another turian before a mission. Maybe you're right and John does, or at least did, love me. But if I find out he hasn't answered my earlier letter because he discovered I was simply a replaceable stress relief mechanism my memories of our time together will be revealed as a lie. I know I couldn't survive that, Abby…so I haven't given him the chance to tell me that. I just can't risk it."

Shaking off her dismay at Ashley's revelation Abby gave her sister a last word of advice as she stood to leave Ashley's room, "I've told you this before but after what you just said to me I hope you can listen to me and trust my instinct. Even from the little I saw of your interaction with Shepard at mother's funeral I knew from the concern written on his face that he loved you. I can't guarantee that he still does, as you said a lot has changed since then, but as far as your memories go…I promise you they weren't a charade. And, if those memories are so good, isn't it worth the risk of rejection to write him again to see if it's possible to create more of those memories?"

Hearing the door shut behind Abby Ashley squeezed her eyes shut against both the tears that threatened to escape and the troubled present. Ashamed of the weaknesses her younger sister had pointed out in her character Ashley sought refuge in the solace of her newly rediscovered memories. As she slipped back into her reverie a smile crossed Ashley's face as she remembered a particular evening with Shepard.

_John led Ash past the final sandbagged checkpoint into the relatively untouched government district of the city, their civilian clothing drawing curious stares from exhausted sentries. Rounding a corner Ash saw their destination ahead of them, the restaurant appeared to be operated by that particular brand of dedicated owner who considered it their sacred duty to remain open and carry on as if a devastating disaster had not just shattered the city. It was surreal; the patio seating area had been stripped of all furniture, probably for use in barricades, yet a uniformed _maitre d' _stood his post behind a makeshift desk._ _Entering the dining room Ash realized the restaurant didn't even have power; the decorative chandeliers had been hung with a wide variety of light sources, from flashlights to candles. Smelling the scent of wood burning Ash realized her earlier guess as to the fate of the patio furniture was wrong, it was being burned to provide energy to cook over._

_Studying the nearly empty restaurant Ash was surprised to see that John's concern about wearing appropriate attire, which had seemed absurd, was correctly placed. The very few diners, who were outnumbered nearly two to one by wait staff, all wore their finest clothing; in her rather casual civilian clothes Ash felt embarrassingly informal. Looking over to John Ash noted that his suit, which had appeared ridiculous outside in the war torn streets, fit in perfectly here with all the others diners as they desperately attempted to pretend that their lives were continuing as normal despite all evidence to the contrary._

_"Good evening, sir." the _maitre d'_ greeted as they approached._

_"Thank you," John politely acknowledged, "two for seven o'clock under Shepard."_

_"Of course, sir…right this way, please." The man replied as he continued the charade of normalcy by motioning for them to follow the server who would lead them to one of the dozens of open tables._

_Once they had been seated and the hovering waiter left Ash looked at Shepard, a smile tugging the corner of her lip upwards, "So…Skipper, how did you manage to get a reservation here? And on such short notice too!"_

_" _Quid pro quo…_usually this restaurant imports only the finest food from earth and asari space but now, since all their supplies spoiled when power went out, they can only serve food that is donated to them. And today the food was donated by me; you could say it was sort of misplaced by the last supply ship that came to the Normandy."_

_"You mean we came all the way down here, through war torn streets, for military rations?" Ash asked, disbelief clear in her voice._

_"It'll be better than on the ship, I promise, the chef here is the best on the planet and his usual customers are all the politicians. Look, its right across the square from the parliament building so the chef must be good if all the bigwigs come here." he said defensively._

_"Fine, it's good to get off the Normandy anyways." Ash relented._

_"I'm glad you agree, Ash. Plus…the restaurant's wine cellar has survived and, since I provided the food, the owner agreed to give us a free bottle of a vintage so good I can't pronounce it." John said, a smile growing on his face._

"Hey, Ash!" cried the voice of her sister Sarah from downstairs, "A package just arrived for you."

"Alright, I'll get it later." Ashley yelled back, annoyed at the interruption of her memory.

"Okay, but you better hurry before I open it myself." Sarah jokingly shouted.

Grumbling at the inconvenient timing of siblings Ashley halfheartedly yelled a threat at Sarah before sinking once more into her thoughts.

_John had been right, the mundane ingredients of military supplies had been transformed by a master chef into something…not just edible but actually pleasant. Filled with the warmth a good meal, good company, and excellent wine can bring Ash was disappointed to notice that the bottle was empty. Seeing her disappointment John motioned one of the waiters for a new bottle which soon arrived. _

_Leaning across the table Ash, surprised at the price he must have incurred by getting a second bottle, whispered to John. "But didn't you say you only got one free bottle? You can't waste money on a second one." _

_"You're right…but I know you want more so it isn't a waste." John stated. "And if I can't afford it I can always pawn Wrex's family armor, I don't think he'd mind…do you?"_

_Laughing despite her embarrassment at John's catering to her wishes a smile curved Ash's lips as John reached his hands across the small table to hold her own while locking his eyes with hers. Despite enjoying the feel of his hands on hers, as well as his mere presence, Ash began to grow uncomfortable as John continued to quietly stare at her in a measuring way. As he looked into her eyes Ash wondered what he saw through that 'window into her soul', in his eyes Ash thought she could see a light dancing, burning with desire…but that had to be a reflection from one of the many candles lighting the room._

_Finally John, much the Ash's relief, broke the silence, "Any word from your sisters lately?"_

_"No…" she replied hesitantly before deciding to open up and trust the man she loved with her true feelings, the vulnerabilities she hid from everyone else in fear that it would make her appear weak. "I haven't gotten a message from them in weeks. I know they want me there because of Mom's death but I need to be here."_

_"If you want some time off to see them I can put you on leave…the Reapers have waited for millennia, I think don't think they'll be here in the next week or two."_

_"Thanks, but I would rather be here; with you."_

_"That means a lot to me, Ash. I know we haven't been able to talk much since the funeral but, please, if you ever want to talk just tell me and I'll make time for you…" John said, thumbs slowly stroking the back of Ash's hands during the silence before he continued to speak in a soft, reflective tone, "I'll talk whenever you want but you need to talk to your sisters too. Family's too important to lose, and you need to patch up your relationship with your sisters."_

_"I know, and I will as soon as we get a break from the mission."_

_"Good…As much as I appreciate the military for taking me in and giving me a place after my family was killed on Mindoir I know the relationship with fellow soldiers is far from that of real family."_

_Hurt at these words about the weakness of bonds between comrades in arms, and therefore their bond, Ash pulled her hands from Johns and sat back in her chair, leaning away from him. Seemingly oblivious to the change in her body language John simply stood from his chair and reached into his pocket pulling out a small dark object as he slowly circled the table towards her._

_Standing above her as Ash looked up at him in anger at his dismissal of their relationship John began speaking, his voice and demeanor screaming of a nervousness unknown in humanity's first SPECTRE, "We met on Eden Prime as comrades in arms and I helped you as a soldier should; protecting you from enemy fire and exacting revenge on the geth. Later, as I reflected on Kaiden's death after Virmire, I realized the thought of losing you was more painful to me than the loss of anyone else under my command. And then after the Council impounded the Normandy you were there to reassure me, comfort me, and encourage me to follow my beliefs by disobeying direct orders. And finally, there was the night we shared before Ilos which, while fun, was not officer behavior."_

_"John…" Ash objected, confused at the critical words he spoke of their relationship._

_Continuing as if he didn't hear her John went on, "It was then, before Ilos, when I realized we were not comrades in arms anymore as our relationship no longer strengthened our combat performance but rather impaired my command decisions. I can think of only one relationship which is stronger than the bond forged in the fires of combat and that is family. So, since we are not comrades in arms, what are we?"_

_Reaching down John took hold of Ash's hands and gently urged her to stand. Once she stood in front of him John took a step back, his already considerable nervousness visibly growing. Ash cast her eyes downwards knowing what would come next; a man as dedicated to the service as Commander Shepard, the 'Hero of the Citadel', Council SPECTRE, 'Lion of Elysium', N7 Marine would do his duty. Fighting against her tears Ashley was struck by the darkly amusing thought that thanks to the second bottle of wine this was the most expensive breakup she had ever experienced._

_Returning her attention to Shepard Ashley saw him take a deep breath to prepare himself for what he had to say. "I know where I want our relationship to go but I need to ask you if you want the same thing. Ashley Williams, wi…"_

_Explosions shook the building, chandeliers shedding their precarious alternative lighting as choking smoke and dust filled the air around the two marines. Training kicking in Ashley quickly drew her sidearm and spun to face the unseen threat outside the restaurant's shattered windows. Heading for the cover provided by the window's frame Ashley felt herself pushed from behind, a heavy weight keeping her pressed to the floor. Craning her neck around Ashley was able to see Shepard crouched protectively over her, his pistol scanning the impenetrable smoke for a target._

_They remained in that position for several minutes with Shepard thwarting each of Ashley's attempts at standing up. Finally, a young Alliance soldier entered the building and pronounced the threat over, a car bomb had gone off by the government center across the street in an attempt by the cartels to assassinate the police chief as he traveled to his daily briefing with the governor._

_"God damn it!" cursed Shepard, as he holstered his sidearm._

_Continuing to swear loudly at the timing of the blast Shepard finally let Ashley stand back up as he suddenly got off her back and began frantically sweeping the floor with his gaze before finally stooping and picking up a small object he had dropped in the excitement. Looking at Ashley Shepard gave her a wry smile, admitting that she had been right about his idea of eating planet side. Turning Shepard shoved whatever had been on the floor back into his pocket as he headed for the exit, his previous monologue seemingly forgotten. Ashley followed him out; the only person in the room glad the bombing had occurred._

Emerging from the past Ashley took a moment to compose her conflicted emotions. This memory confused her; sure the dinner had been pleasant and it was one of the all too few chances they had to simply talk to each other but the end of the date was melancholy. Only at terrorist attack had prevented Shepard from ending their relationship in that restaurant striving for normalcy amongst tumultuous events. After returning to the Normandy duties had absorbed both Ashley and Shepard's complete attention so they never had a chance to finish the discussion before the Normandy was destroyed, along with Shepard. What was it about Shepard struggling through his nervousness to explain his decision to leave her in favor of a sense of duty that was appealing to her? It should have been depressing, but instead the memory filled Ashley with an inexplicable sensation of excitement that twisted her stomach and danced up her spine. Finally having composed herself Ashley pushed her musings aside and headed downstairs to collect the mysterious package before any nosy siblings took it upon themselves to open it.

* * *

"Thank you, Commander. My sister is safe again, thanks in large part to you. I won't forget that." Miranda said softly, conjuring a false vulnerability to her dark eyes to hide their normal calculating gaze. Motioning for him to sit Miranda continued to weave her tale of half-truths, "Helping me to reach Oriana before Eclipse moved in on her…I never expected you to help me so much. I know you have little liking for Cerberus and it means a lot that you helped me despite my role as your 'Cerberus watchdog'."

"You're a crew mate, Miranda, I'll help you however I can." Shepard grinned, pleased at the normally icy woman's heartfelt thanks.

Managing to stop her growing smile from becoming predatory Miranda instead chose to act embarrassed at Shepard's magnanimous offer. Knowing the first part, the hook, of her plan was successful with Shepard's addiction to gratefulness making him interested in her Miranda moved to the second part: distancing herself from Cerberus.

"Thank you, Shepard…that is very kind of you." Taking a dramatic breath which, incidentally, inflated her already prominently displayed bosom Miranda went on, "I'm afraid I haven't been entirely truthful with you, Commander."

"Oh?" Shepard inquired, his expression hardening instantly.

"Yes…Remember the arrangement I told you I made with Cerberus to protect Oriana?" Seeing him nod in acknowledgement Miranda continued, "I have reason to believe the Illusive Man is considering terminating that arrangement. Let me explain, my contact, Lanteia, is not Cerberus but rather my personal agent. Cerberus contacted her and informed her of Eclipse's activites concerning Oriana. Obviously, the Illusive Man was threatening me."

Seeing Shepard's face soften Miranda began reeling in her catch. Letting a single tear slip down her smooth cheek Miranda wiped it away harshly once she was sure Shepard had noticed its descent. Turning her tear filled eyes to his face Miranda drew her catch in closer. "The reports I have been sending the Illusive Man have not been…complete. Since Horizon I have not reported several of your more questionable actions, for example the suicide was reported as a combat wound."

"Why would you do that?" asked Shepard, surprise evident on his face.

"Because if the Illusive Man knew about that incident or other questionable decisions you made it would mean I had failed in my mission, and the Illusive Man doesn't tolerate failure." Miranda snapped, knowing Shepard would become suspicious if she acted completely out of character. Slipping seamlessly back into her previous, vulnerable role Miranda whispered, "And I didn't want him to cancel Project Lazarus."

"Why would that matter to you? I'm sure the Illusive Man would have simply transferred you to some other secret project, clearly you're valuable to his organization." Shepard asked.

"Because it means I would lose you, John." Miranda said, almost too quietly to hear before once again compensating for that admission with another perfectly timed retreat into her icy demeanor. "And I have spent far too much of my valuable time on the small chance you can be successful to see it wasted because of your own stupidity."

Leaning forward, his head bowed in thought Shepard slowly reached out to take Miranda's hands where they rested on her thighs. Bringing his gaze back to her face Shepard missed the triumphant smile that flitted across Miranda's face at his movements. Mastering even that small show of jubilation at the landing of her catch Miranda visibly broke down, pulling herself into his arms while burying her tear streaked face in his shoulder as she began to weave a wider web for her prey, "Somehow the Illusive Man found out that I was covering for you and he used Oriana to remind me where my loyalties should lie. And now that you know about this my mission to supervise you has failed completely; without my achieving success Cerberus will turn Oriana over to our father. I-I don't know what to do."

Remaining silent Shepard held Miranda reassuringly as she waited for him to either avoid her web or become entangled in it. Finally her spoke, "Miranda, I wish you had told me this earlier. I could have helped you; we didn't need to let Cerberus have Oriana back."

Frustrated at the man's occasional stupidity Miranda risked dropping another hint, "I wish I had told you as well, but I didn't know you would even care enough about me to help…I have to think of something to do."

"Is Oriana still on Ilium?" Shepard asked, unable to see Miranda's satisfied expression at his question hidden behind her dark hair.

"Yes, Lanteia's watching her under Ceberus supervision for the next couple of weeks until the relocation is finalized…so close but still out of reach." Miranda moaned, not trusting him to make the last leap without a helping shove.

"Maybe," Shepard mused before sitting up straighter and pulling Miranda up to face him, "But I have a plan to put her within reach."

"Really! How?" Miranda asked, wincing to herself at the disturbingly genuine excitement that filled her voice.

"The plan has some rough edges but I think, with your help, it could become something workable. First, we call in the debt that asari cop owes us for dealing with Samara and have her temporarily detain most of the Cerberus agents watching Lanteia and Oriana. Next, with Mordin's help, I contact Kirrahe, an STG officer who owes me for pulling his ass out of the fire on Virmire. He gets a crew of salarian STG men and Liara's local asari muscle assembled to impersonatie Eclipse. They grab Oriana from Lanteia, who I assume you can covertly contact about the plan; while the remaining Cerberus operatives are too weak to interfere. The observing Cerberus personnel will report that Eclipse, presumably hired by your father, took Oriana. Finally, Liara gets a new identity set up for Oriana."

Once again reminded of the reason Shepard's career had been so successful Miranda was momentarily shocked at the otherwise unstable man's impeccable operational planning and his ability to weld disparate resources into a coherent mission. Letting a touch of genuine hope and appreciation show Miranda kissed Shepard deeply. Pulling away she briefly enjoyed his surprised look before pressing her advantage, "Thank you, Shepard. But what about after that? Oriana's family, I need to make sure she stays safe and a simple new identity won't work forever. I need someone, hopefully more capable, to replace Lanteia and keep an eye out on Oriana."

"Way ahead of you, Miranda." Shepard said smugly, grinning at her, "STG can hide her on Omega where Aria owes us for revealing that merc plot to dethrone her. Then, because Aria will only be trustworthy for a short time, when the immediate Cerberus heat has died down we move Oriana to the Citadel where Garrus' C-Sec contacts, Thane's underworld contacts, and my own resources left over from the hunt for Saren can watch over her. If Cerberus or your father do manage to find her there will be plenty of warning for her to move again to another location prepared during her stay on the Citadel."

"You're right…John. What you're doing for Oriana, and me…it goes far beyond what an officer needs to do for his command." Once more summoning her vulnerable, hopeful mask Miranda decided it was time to strike against Jack's hold on Shepard, "It isn't right, John."

"What isn't, Miranda?"

Stuttering she took careful aim at what she had discerned as his weakness, "That you do all this; saving the galaxy and still finding time to help your crew and no one helps you in return."

"It's okay, I get what I want out of it as well." Shepard responded quickly, struggling to stop himself from agreeing with her.

"No, it isn't okay! You deserve someone who helps you back, just like family would." seeing Shepard tense at the word family Miranda continued to push against that weak point, "What have you gotten for your troubles? Jack uses you but is too damaged to help anyone else, Kelly and Tali are too naïve to understand your pain, even Ashley refused to forgive the changes resurrection forced upon you."

Once the words condemning Ashley's behavior left her mouth Miranda froze as Shepard tensed against her, his gentle grip on her hands becoming painful. Keeping the pain from showing on her face Miranda continued, seeing victory within reach, "The galaxy takes and takes from you without giving anything back. Jack is just an example of that, all the time you've spent helping her for a mere 'thank you' and a quick screw; you deserve more than that for your efforts...I can give you more than that. Why should you have to be strong for everyone else? Let me help you, John. Just like I will do anything for Oriana because she is family I could do the same for you, if you will allow me to. I'll support you, trust you even if something you do goes against my opinion…I will never abandon you."

Turning to face her Shepard stared into her eyes as if attempting to discern any subterfuge in her proposal. As a smile cracked his grim face Miranda knew he hadn't been able to see the lurking falsehoods through her mask of sincerity. Eager to claim her new territory Miranda reached a hand up and traced the scars on Shepard's face, trailing her hand down to his pectorals Miranda pushed Shepard down onto his back atop the couch as she moved to straddle him. Leaning forward, pressing her breasts against his chest Miranda placed a series of light nips and kisses up the side of Shepard's neck until her mouth reached his ear. Breathing heavily so he would feel her breasts heaving against him Miranda whispered into his ear, "John, please call me Miri."

An hour later Miranda walked a grinning Shepard to her door straightening his uniform while placing a tender kiss on his cheek and admonishing him, "And stop smiling, damn it!"

Ensuring the door had closed behind the departing Shepard Miranda collapsed on her rumpled bed, dizzy with relief. Shepard had danced to her tune exceedingly well, hardly any of the subtle hints she had expected would be necessary to guide him in the direction of developing a plan that would secure Oriana from Cerberus had been needed. Almost on his own Shepard had planned to remove Oriana from Cerberus control, and thereby also free Miranda from their control. Additionally, in Shepard's master plan blame for Oriana's disappearance would be placed at her father's door burning the bridges the Illusive Man had recently begun rebuilding with him as a threat to keep Miranda in line. And, best of all, she now exercised enough control over Shepard to show the Illusive Man enough progress in her original mission that Cerberus heat would die down for a while allowing her to continue to play both unwitting sides, Cerberus and Commander Shepard, against each other to her advantage.

* * *

Ashley looked at the small package with concern, there was no sender address on it and when questioned Sarah said it was dropped off by a salarian in civilian clothing rather than by someone wearing a uniform belonging to one of the recognized delivery services. Her omnitool's scan for hazards coming up negative Ashley made sure her sisters were out of the area before nervously opening the package. Inside the small 15cm box Ashley was relieved to find only packing material rather than the half expected bomb or toxin. Reassured, Ashley reached into the box blindly fishing for what the packing material was protecting. Finding a smooth, hard surface Ashley pulled an OSD from the box and plugged it into her reader. Instantly the message sprang to life in the familiar orange glow of a haptic interface screen.

**Location: Unknown**

**Time: Unknown**

**Sender:Unknown**

**Encryption:Unknown**

Frowning at the useless information displayed in the message heading, the rest of the message being encrypted strings information, Ashley set her omnitool to run through a decryption program that matched the message's code with stored algorithms in the omnitool's database of previously used codes. Standing back and forcing herself to wait Ashley was relieved to soon hear a chiming indicating a matching algorithm had been found. Looking at the now deciphered message Ashley began reading.

**Location: Unknown**

**Time: Unknown**

**Sender: Col. Kirrahe**

**Encryption: STG protocol Virmire 346-J4**

**Operations Chief Williams, **

**I have recently been put in contact with Commander Shepard through a crew member of his who I have worked with in the past. The Commander requested my aid with an operation and, figuring I could not refuse the galaxy's savior, I provided the necessary assistance. That, however, is not my reason for contacting you. Because of my helping Shepard I, and the rest of the team that volunteered for the mission, have been discharged from service for straying from our assigned mission parameters. Knowing this would likely be the outcome of my actions I used a contact in STG headquarters to acquire an object I believe will be of interest to you before my security clearance was revoked.**

**I apologize for not sending this to you several years ago but I did not understand its potential importance to you, additionally it is classified and I wished to avoid being discharged until now when my retirement was imminent anyhow. Let me explain; after Virmire STG, under Council orders, assigned a team to monitor Commander Shepard because of the disruption his talk about Reapers could potentially cause. Due to my brief encounter with the Commander I was selected to head the task group. Following his death over Alchera my team combed the wreckage for clues as about the attack but found nothing. We found out later it was because Cerberus and an unidentified asari had beaten us to the site and stripped it of evidence, as well as taking the Commander's body.**

**What little was recovered I sent to STG headquarters for analysis, among those artifacts was the enclosed object. I did not fully understand its presence on a ship of war but recently I have been informed as to its likely origin. Once the Commander's return was verified STG reinstated the Shepard task group under the command of my handpicked, trustworthy successor, Capt. Rentola. Between the Captain's research into Commander Shepard's pre-death personal records and background intelligence on human behavior provided by my ex-colleague on the Commander's current crew I now understand the potential import of this object to both Commander Shepard and you.**

**I apologize for not sending this to you earlier but, as stated, I neither understood its true significance nor was I willing to jeopardize my career until now. Remember, just because Salarian society is different from your own culture does not mean I cannot empathize with you. Chief Williams, I owe you, Lt. Alenko, and Commander Shepard for my own life and the lives of my team on Virmire. I will never be able to make good on that debt to Lt. Alenko but I have settled with Shepard recently and this package, I hope, will go some distance to fulfilling my obligation to you.**

Astonished by the long forgotten comrade's message Ashley set it aside and reached further into the packing material; searching for the strange object which had been in STG custody for over two years. Brushing against a rough surface Ashley closed her fingers around the object and pulled the small mystery into view. Looking at it Ashley saw a small, black box. Made of plastic the hard shell was scored and pitted from where it had impacted other pieces of the Normandy's debris. Hanging in several places were small, tattered fragments of what appeared to be a cloth that once covered the protective plastic shell softening its feel.

Turning it over Ashley was struck with a familiar sense of excitement…suddenly it clicked. This was the box Shepard had been holding in the restaurant. Opening the battered cube Ashley's jaw dropped. In contrast to the ruined exterior the inside of the box had remained pristine; black silk similar to the shreds clinging to outside covered the interior in a smooth, light swallowing darkness that called to mind the firmament. And there in the center of the black, as if consciously echoing the presence of celestial bodies in space, was a silver ring surmounted by a single diamond that sent the splintered light of the spectrum wheeling across the field of black fabric.

Ashley began trembling, though her grip upon the damaged box never wavered. Setting it to the side reverently Ashley opened her computer screen while never taking her eyes off the shining gem. Fingers slowly, hesitantly tapping the keyboard Ashley's gaze never left the box and its contents. Remembering a fragment of Tennyson her fingers picked up speed flying across the interface as doubts fled her mind.


	20. Chapter 20: Quaestionis

**A/N: I have decided to include three different endings into this story; a dark ending, a relatively happy ending and a rather disturbing ending. To keep things clear each separate ending will hopefully be a single chapter, at most two, and my author's notes should keep you oriented as to whether a chapter is part of an ending or not. This chapter is the last one that all three endings will have in common so nothing is resolved as it simply sets up the upcoming plot branching. **

QUAESTIONIS

"Hello, Jack."

"Fuck off."

Taken aback by the laconic greeting, not by the typically caustic words but rather by its dismissive tone, Shepard frowned at the tattooed woman before deciding to try again. "Good to see you too, Jack."

"I'm not joking, Shepard, fuck off."

"What the hell's gotten into you, Jack?"

"Nothing, jackass…it's more about what's gotten into Miranda." Jack sneered.

"Oh…well, you see I…" stuttered Shepard, desperately trying to talk his way out of the psychopath's bad side.

"Shut up, Shepard. Did you really think the ship's rumor mill wouldn't find out about this? I heard Ken telling Gabby that the entire crew deck could hear you and Miranda fucking."

"I'm sorry, Jack. I just…"

"Still talking, Shepard? Just shut the fuck up and listen. I'm not mad you fucked someone else, it's just sex, I'm pissed that you fucked _Miranda_ and are running around like her little bitch doing what she says."

Trying to follow this Jack's strange rebuke Shepard simply remained silent as the convict continued ranting, "You told me that you weren't a part of Cerberus, you helped me on Pragia saying that what Cerberus did to me was wrong…and then you go and fuck Miranda, the Cerberus cheerleader who can't admit what they did to me was wrong. What the fuck, Shepard? Don't you get it that she's pure Cerberus and is just using you on the Illusive Man's orders?"

Deciding to defend Miranda in the hope that Jack's irritation would be assuaged if she thought Shepard's entanglement with the 'Cheerleader' was free from Cerberus influence Shepard tried to explain, "Miri isn't really a part of Cerberus anymore, Jack. You were there when we got Oriana away from Eclipse and Cerberus oversight; you know that Miri was betrayed by the Illusive Man."

"We only have her word to go on for all of that…and I don't fucking trust Cerberus agents. Neither should you."

* * *

Giving a sharp squeak as she started with surprise at the abrupt chiming of her omnitool Tali hurriedly glanced about engineering to reassure herself that no one, particularly the annoying jester Ken, had caught her flinch. Satisfied that her momentary embarrassment had passed unnoticed Tali opened her omnitool's mail function curious as to what had caused the alert to sound. Exhausted by the latest away mission, to a derelict Reaper of all things, it took Tali a moment to comprehend the incoming message's information. Realization dawning upon her Tali's heart sank as she read the long expected, dreaded orange letters that appeared on her haptic interface screen.

**Location: Chicago, Earth**

**Time: 17:27**

**Sender: Op. Chief Williams**

**Encryption: None**

**Tali, could you please forward the attached file to John, I still don't have his private extranet account and I don't trust Cerberus so I'm not going to route it through their channels. Thanks Tali, and good luck with whatever danger you're flying into this time.**

_Oh, Keelah…now what should I do?_ Tali wondered briefly before she was pulled out of her indecisive contemplation by the Normandy's intercom broadcasting EDI's voice. Thankful for the distraction this provided Tali hurried to follow the AI's orders and left engineering to report to the briefing room.

* * *

The away team stood around the Normandy's briefing room table eyeing the unusual image projected above its surface. Looking up from examining the picture of the deactivated geth Tali broke the silence, "Shepard, it's a geth…it has to be destroyed."

Ignoring the quarian's suggestion Shepard instead cocked a questioning eyebrow to Miranda as he spoke, "What do you think we should do about this situation, Miranda?"

"Cerberus has a standing reward for any intact geth. We should turn it over to them and collect that prize." Miranda replied, managing to keep her excitement at Shepard turning to her for advice from showing on her face.

Nodding in agreement with Miranda's suggestion Shepard straightened from where he leant across the table opening his mouth to voice his decision. Suddenly he was interrupted, everyone turning to look at the speaker who had never before bothered to venture an opinion during planning sessions. "Really Cheerleader? Just give the geth to fucking Cerberus? In case you've forgotten but we all saw at Project Overlord what happens when Cerberus gets their hands on advanced technology. Shit, for someone supposedly so smart you sure as hell don't learn from mistakes."

Furious at Jack's meddling Miranda spun to face where the convict stood leaning insolently in one of the briefing room's corners. Her perfectly formed and groomed features curling into a sneer at the other woman's unconventional appearance and abrasive character Miranda opened her mouth to issue an appropriately scathing rebuttal, "Of course, that is just the type of 'thinking' that a criminal…"

Cutting off Miranda's abuse Shepard interrupted, his commanding tone overriding Miranda's verbal sniping, "Okay…That is all for now. I'll make my decision in a little while, for now the geth is secure enough in the makeshift isolation chamber Tali made in the AI core's. Crew, dismissed."

Following in Shepard's wake the Normandy's specialists filed out of the room with Miranda bringing up the rear; except for Jack who stood her ground in the corner flanking the doorway. Ignoring the few curious or idle looks that slid over her as the procession filed past Jack kept her eyes locked on Miranda's in a contest of wills the rest of the crew either didn't notice or had the good sense to pretend not to notice. Soon, the Cerberus agent drew close to Jack and the air around the two women began to shimmer faintly; the biotics struggling to keep their powers from unintentionally flaring, knowing the resulting destruction would earn them Shepard's disapproval. Unwilling to simply walk out of the briefing room and abandon the field of battle to Jack Miranda halted several paces from the convict as the rest of the crew left the briefing room; the two women's staring match continuing to drag on as they gauged each other's strengths.

"You should know something about me, Cheerleader." snarled Jack, finally breaking the thick silence.

"Oh, is that so? I highly doubt that there is anything about you interesting or important enough to warrant my attention." Miranda replied, purposefully exaggerating her cultured, smooth accent in the hopes of subconsciously making Jack aware of the inferiority her harsh, expletive laden speech demonstrated.

Jack simply ignored Miranda's subtle attempt at manipulation and continued speaking as if Miranda had said nothing, "I'm not a pussy…I don't give up. You might have been able to scare Tali, that Ashley bitch, or any one else away from Shepard but I don't scare."

"I do not know what you're talking about, Subject Zero," Miranda replied evenly, pleased at the flash of discomfort that passed through Jack's eyes at the use of her Cerberus designation, "The Commander and myself are in a relationship because of our mutual respect and admiration, not because I have been 'scaring off' other women. Now, if this confrontation is because you are angry that you missed your own opportunity to attract John's attention then I'm sorry but he wants me…someone who is his equal, not a charity case."

"Go to hell, Cheerleader." Jack growled from between clenched teeth, "He knows how fucked up I am but that didn't stop him before. Besides, once he finds out that you're a backstabbing whore he'll probably kill you and then come running back to me and, just spit on your memory, I might just take him back."

"Truly pathetic…you would take back a man who left you at the first chance he had to chase another's skirt? I guess beggars really can't be choosers." replied Miranda, determined to hurt Jack in return for how the convict's frighteningly accurate assessment of Shepard's likely future behavior had shaken her.

"Get bent." snarled Jack as she turned and stormed out of the briefing room, shoving an unlucky crewwoman who happened to be passing the doorway to the deck.

Once the doors had shut behind the retreating psychopath Miranda stood in silence looking at the projected image of the deactivated geth while contemplating this latest difficulty. Jack was undoubtedly correct Miranda reflected; Shepard would kill her if he ever discovered her full machinations, or even that she had lied and still owed some loyalty to Cerberus.

Miranda shook her sense of apprehension away; this was the razor's edge she knew she would be walking in manipulating both Shepard and the Illusive Man. So what if Jack had been temporarily able to counter Miranda's influence over the Commander regarding the geth issue? All it meant was that Miranda would have to sink her barbs even deeper into Shepard, a task which so far did not appear too difficult. Miranda held no illusions; the fate of this geth was crucial to her plan. Convince Shepard to turn the thing over to Cerberus and it would both prove her control over Shepard to others attempting to use him, such as Jack, as well as lull the Illusive Man into believing that Miranda was completing her mission as ordered…hopefully she could maintain that charade long enough to ensure that Oriana's trail had grown cold and that Shepard had fallen absolutely under her thumb.

* * *

Tali paced restlessly around engineering drawing both concerned glances from Gabby and occasional comments from Ken, jibes that ranged from sarcastic warnings about the quarian's suit wearing out from excessive pacing to lecherous comments spoken in a stage whisper to Gabby about the swaying of Tali's hips as she walked back and forth. Finally, after yet another remark about wearing a hole in the metal decking, Tali snapped at Ken to shut up as she turned and fled engineering. Her mind reeling from the responsibility that earlier decisions and this second message from Ashley had placed upon her Tali stepped into the elevator; determined to find someone able to help her clarify the conflicting feelings of guilt, duty, and desire that warred within her.

Exiting the elevator onto the crew deck Tali considered the options she had as potential advisors in the matter of Ashley's two letters to Shepard and Tali's own role in keeping those messages from him. Garrus was the obvious choice but his descent from being the Garrus that had hunted Saren to the vengeful turian that had murdered the defenseless Sidonis on the Citadel mirrored Shepard's own descent from 'the Hero of the Citadel' to 'the Butcher of the Terminus'. Tali knew Garrus was not an option, he would turn any information Tali entrusted to him over to Shepard as a matter of loyalty to the Commander. That left only Joker and Dr. Chakwas from the crew of the original Normandy but, not being a part of the away team, neither of them had fully witnessed Shepard's fall from grace and were therefore incapable of advising her in this matter. As far as the other crew members went everyone was either Cerberus, displayed a conspicuous lack of normal morality, such as Mordin and Thane, or was at least as unstable as Shepard had become, such as Jack and Zaeed. That left Kasumi, who Tali genuinely liked, or Samara with her unbending principles as the only possible sources for help.

Standing in front of the elevator door Tali shifted indecisively as she looked back and forth between the port and starboard observation rooms trying to decide who to seek out for aid. While it would perhaps be best to talk to both Samara and Kasumi Tali was reluctant to let more people than absolutely necessary discover her duplicity regarding Ashley and Shepard. The more time she spent away from her station and the more people she met with while gone the higher the chance that word of her unusual absence from engineering would reach Shepard, and Tali wanted to avoid any rumors regarding this from reaching him until she had made a decision regarding how to deal with Ashley's messages.

Squaring her shoulders in determination Tali chose a direction, turned and began walking towards the door.


	21. Chapter 21: Latro pt1 Ending 1

**A/N: This is the first of the three endings Janus will have; happy, dark, and disturbing…I'll leave you to figure out which one this is. This ending will be divided into two chapters; Latro 1 and Latro 2. Please review.**

**Description of sex, don't read if offended…though if you're easily offended I'm not sure how the hell you've made it through twenty chapters of this story already.**

LATRO pt.1 (Ending #1)

Miranda's perfect features contorting in anger at the memory of the scarred convict's victorious smirk back in the briefing room as Shepard had reconsidered her suggestion regarding the geth issue Miranda struggled to compose herself. After several seconds of deep breathing to calm her irritation Miranda managed to force her expression back into its customary unemotional façade. Satisfied that her comfortable mask was firmly in place Miranda keyed the door to Shepard's quarters open and stepped into the room's soft, blue glow.

Looking towards the empty Commander's desk Miranda was pleased to notice the continued absence of Chief William's picture before a movement in the corner of her eye attracted her attention. Turning towards it Miranda caught sight of Shepard's head through the glass of the display case to where he sat on the couch. Gracefully descending the few steps that led to the 'bedroom' portion of Shepard's quarters Miranda rounded the corner coming into view of Shepard, his surprise evident as sound of her approach had been concealed by the bass heavy beat filling the room. Placing the combat knife he had idly been tossing up and down to himself upon the nearby table Shepard expectantly watched Miranda approach.

"Commander," Miranda greeted coldly, "I have analyzed our recent combat data and submitted it to Cerberus. They have decided to provide us with several new weapons; the Phalanx, the Mattock, and the Geth Plasma Shotgun. Jacob is checking them over right now; I just wanted to make you aware of these new resources before the next mission."

"So, Jack was right about you, Miranda…you're still the Cerberus cheerleader sending all our secrets to the Illusive Man."

Allowing an injured expression, which she soon shifted into one of anger, to pierce her facade Miranda spat, "Of course that's what the psychotic bitch would say."

"You don't think sending intelligence on our squad's combat tactics and abilities to Cerberus proves your disloyalty to me? Apparently those 'falsified reports' you've been sending haven't been all that false. Thank you for bringing this to my attention; it has made my decision regarding the geth much easier, dismissed Operative Lawson."

"John! Please listen, I can explain…" pleaded Miranda, a look of desperate need forming on her face, "I'm just using Cerberus while they still think we're working for them."

His expression remaining hardened Shepard dismissed her excuse, "I don't trust Cerberus, Lawson…and you're wearing their uniform and sending them reports on me so I don't trust you either."

Glaring at Shepard Miranda managed to restrain her relieved laughter at having been gifted such a perfect opening. Taking several meaningful, predatory steps towards where Shepard sat leaning into the couch Miranda brought herself closer to him until her legs were stopped by the table that stood in between them. In a lightning movement made possible by her genetic modification Miranda snapped her arm out and snared the knife that lay upon the table before Shepard could even react. Locking eyes that burned with anger and desire Miranda reached her free hand up to the low cut neckline of her Cerberus uniform pulling it away from the smooth skin of her breasts; both the sudden exposure to cold air and her excitement at the risk she was running causing her nipples to stiffen visibly under the thin, now exposed, lace bra she wore.

Keeping her eyes connected with Shepard's as he swiftly reacted to her sudden movement by standing and reflexively drawing his sidearm Miranda took a deep breath, conspicuously swelling her bosom further outwards. Still staring into Shepard's glowing, red eyes Miranda reversed her hold on the knife raising her hand towards her exposed flesh. Viciously stabbing the gleaming blade of the knife parallel to her chest into the outstretched fabric her other hand held Miranda swiftly jerked the blade downwards before tearing it forwards leaving her hand holding a swathe of her uniform's material.

Bending at the waist to present her now even more exposed cleavage Miranda replaced the knife on the table; Shepard slowly lowering his own weapon in response. Straightening back up Miranda reached across the narrow space separating the two of them and opened her clenched fist. Looking away from her captivating eyes Shepard stared at the fabric she offered him before his eyes wandered up to stare at the expanse of skin revealed in place of the now missing Cerberus emblem.

Smirking Shepard settled back onto the couch placing an outstretched arm along the couch back as he broke the tense silence, "Well, that was dramatic, Miri. You certainly have my attention now…what did you want to tell me?"

Managing to summon a blush at his light teasing Miranda circled the table and settled herself next to Shepard on the couch, leaning against his side in the crook of his extended arm. Looking at him through her bangs Miranda shyly answered, "Assuming the uniform is no longer an issue can I explain the continued reports to Cerberus?"

"Of course, Miri, please do continue." Shepard replied with exaggerated graciousness, laughing at the woman's uncharacteristic hesitation.

"Despite all the salvage we've found on this mission a full half of our funding has come from Cerberus; without those funds we will be insolvent within the week and unable to afford necessary equipment and upgrades. I file reports with Cerberus so that we may continue taking advantage of their resources until such a time as our deception is discovered by the Illusive Man. The geth is no different; it does us no good sitting in the AI core, destroying it like the quarian wants is a waste, it is too dangerous to be reactivated…but we can get money for it. Cerberus offers by far the highest reward for an intact geth but there are other options as well, such as the Migrant Fleet or the Alliance. If you'd rather send it to one of those choices that's fine, I was simply shopping for the best value."

Gently brushing hair from where it fell across her face Shepard bent his neck to place a kiss on Miranda's forehead, "You're right, Miri. I just…when Jack said…I'm sorry, okay? I just didn't want to leave myself open to betrayal and being abandoned again."

"I understand, John," Miranda whispered softly before her voice adopted a more intense edge, "But now you need to shut up."

Moving to straddle his waist Miranda placed her cool hands on Shepard's scarred face, tilting his head up to look into her warm, brown eyes before crushing her lips to his in a possessive kiss. Grunting with effort around their dueling tongues Shepard leaned forward from his relaxed position his hands sliding around Miranda's thighs. Managing to stand while still holding Miranda against him Shepard was glad when the woman wrapped her legs around him taking some of the strain off his arms.

Walking carefully over to the bed Shepard gently laid Miranda down as he moved to kneel on the bed between her legs. Leaning over her Shepard reached a hand out to her chest lightly tracing the bare skin where the Cerberus symbol had been, causing a shiver to race down Miranda's spine. His fingers wandering, brushing the torn edges of Miranda's uniform as her breathing grew heavier Shepard abruptly grasped the ragged material with both hands and tore the front of Miranda's uniform open to her navel. Running his hands up the expanse of pale skin revealed by her tattered suit Shepard deliberately brushed against the woman's hardened nipples through her bra as his touch wandered to Miranda's neck. Insinuating his hands under what remained of the neckline Shepard eased the constricting fabric from Miranda's shoulders pushing the remnants of the clothing low enough down her arms that she could slide free of the suit's confines.

Stepping back off the bed Shepard undid Miranda's boots pulling them from her feet. Once again taking hold of the suit's newly made opening over Miranda's toned stomach Shepard pulled the Cerberus uniform down as Miranda arched her back, raising her hips off the bed's surface to allow Shepard's to remove the obstructing uniform and silk undergarment. Ridding himself of clothing quickly, with as little ceremony as he had spent on her, Shepard climbed back atop the bed his fingers lightly rubbing Miranda's swollen nether lips as he placed a trail of kisses along the inside of Miranda's now bare arm following the curve of her shoulder and neck until he reached her mouth.

Kissing her deeply Shepard eased forward as Miranda's flesh parted accepting him into her while they each swallowed the other's groans. With slow, steady movements Shepard drove into the Cerberus agent, their combined heavy breathing the only thing audible to either of them over the pounding of blood in their ears. Lifting her legs Miranda locked them behind Shepard's hips pulling him towards her, demanding unmistakably that he increase his steady pace. Willingly acquiescing to Miranda's desire Shepard sped his movements as Miranda rolled her hips upwards to allow him deeper access. Feeling a deep, feral growl echo through the muscled chest pressed against her own, softer chest Miranda's voice raised itself in an answering cry of pleasure as her inner muscles clenched around Shepard driving him past restraint as he began to frantically move against her sweaty, quivering form until he let out a sharp gasp and fell still.

Rolling off of Miranda to lie on his back beside her Shepard turned his head to face her, a soft chuckle escaping his normally grim demeanor, "Don't get me wrong, Miri, I like what you did with your uniform…I just thought further alterations would complete the new look."

Turning her own head to face him Miranda gently pressed a kiss against Shepard's scar torn lips before pulling back, "I agree completely, John. Now that I am out of my uniform, it being in fact beyond repair, do you still think me a Cerberus spy or can you trust me to do what is best for this mission…and for you, my love."

"You're right, of course, we need the money that geth is worth." Shepard sighed, pulling Miranda back into a kiss as his hands once again began to wander over her smooth skin.

_A powerful ally, easily manipulated, and a quite satisfactory lay…the perfect man._ Miranda reflected, a smile pulling the corners of her mouth up as Shepard's hands and kiss became, once again, insistent.

* * *

"Tali, it is good to see you. Too rarely do you leave engineering; the rest of the ship is lessened by your absence." greeted Morinth as the quarian tentatively entered the starboard observation room, careful to speak in a believably formal tone that Samara might have used.

"Thank you, Samara." Tali quickly responded to the seated asari's back, her usual embarrassment at praise forgotten in the worry caused by Ashley's message to Shepard.

Moving to stand beside the meditating ardat-yakshi Tali let the silence stretch out as she mentally composed her words. "Samara, I need help…it's about Shepard."

"Of course, Tali, I will aid you in whatever way the Code and my Oath of Subsumation allow."

Taking a deep breath Tali began relating the troubles she now faced to the serene, wise asari, "You've heard about Ashley…Chief Williams, right?" seeing Morinth's curt nod Tali continued, "Well you know that after Horizon she sent a message to Shepard...here, it's on my omnitool; I'll forward it to you."

Ending her imitation of justicar mediation Morinth called up her own omnitool and quickly read the note, her eyes widening in interest as she realized its importance. Looking at Tali for the first time since the quarian had entered her sanctum Morinth pressed her for information, "Was it not said when the Commander attempted suicide that this message from Chief Williams was the cause? This letter certainly does not seem like something that would induce suicidal thoughts."

"No, you're right…the suicide, that was my fault. I thought Ashley's interference would distract Shepard from the mission so when I got this from Ashley I took it to Miranda instead of forwarding it to Shepard."

"Go on." Morinth urged.

Glad at the opportunity to unburden herself Tali slid down to sit next to the asari; both of them staring into the void outside the viewport as she continued her story, "Miranda said that to show this to Shepard would hurt the mission so she rewrote it into the message that Shepard almost killed himself over."

"I don't understand...how did Miranda think that would help?"

The regret in Tali's voice was painfully forlorn even through the light garbling of her mask's speaker, "Because I was supposed to replace Ashley. Miranda knew I loved Shepard and said that this was my chance to make him love me back…and I fell for it."

"I see." Morinth nodded before continuing her questioning, "But why do you bring this to me now? All this happened in the past, what has changed to drive you to seek aid?"

"Ashley just sent a second message that says she still loves Shepard in far more absolute terms that the first message did."

"Ah, and you don't know what to do with this new message, correct?"

"Yes." Tali nodded.

"According to the Justicar Code there is only one option open to you that will not deepen your involvement in this injustice." stated Morinth, pleased at the web of twisted, Justicar sounding, platitudes she was weaving, "Matters of the heart are not in the power of outsiders to correct...but there is one way in which the damage caused by your collusion with Miranda can be repaired."

"What is that?"

"You must undo the influence Miranda has gained over Shepard as a result of your selfish actions and Miranda's scheming. I will help you in this endeavor. However, due to your previous involvement in this injustice it would be best if I were to handle this quest alone while you provided assistance only as required."

"Thank you, Samara, oh Keelah, thank you." the relieved quarian exclaimed.

"Do no thank me, Tali. Miranda committed a transgression and it is my sworn duty to bring her to justice for it." Morinth replied serenely, pleased at her ability to transform the growing triumphant smirk on her lips into a beneficent smile.

* * *

"Shit, Shepard…you smell like sex." Jack sneered as Miranda and Shepard entered the Normandy's briefing room.

Having the grace to at least appear embarrassed Shepard shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny of the assembled team before Miranda took charge of the situation, "Very observant, Subject Zero…now, if we could move on to the reason for this meeting?"

Pulling himself together Shepard assumed his command voice, "Thank you Operative Lawson. Okay team, the plan now is to drop by a Cerberus base where we'll deliver the geth and collect the bounty on it…"

His voice faltering after this statement as he saw the disgusted sneer on Jack's face widen Shepard felt an insistent nudge from Miranda's elbow urging him to continue. Steeling himself Shepard averted his eyes from Jack and continued, "After disposing of the geth we'll fly to the Omega Nebula and board the Strontium Mule to recover whatever it is the Blue Suns found in it worthy of their time. Assuming that it's valuable we'll cash in on whatever it is by selling it to Cerberus. With the money from those two operations we will then dock at Omega station and purchase those upgrades we couldn't afford last time we were there. Questions…no? Okay, crew dismissed."

As the specialists quietly exited the room Jack shook her head slowly as she turned to follow the rest of the team out. As she left the briefing room without looking at Shepard Jack left behind a final comment in the room's otherwise silent air, the sheer force of disgust in her voice echoing off the Normandy's metal walls, "Fucking pussy whipped idiot."

* * *

Shepard stalked the empty halls of the Normandy, his fury mounting. Entering the echoing stillness of the CIC Shepard stopped and looked around at the abandoned stations before sighing heavily, "EDI, gather what's left of the crew in the briefing room."

Standing indecisively in front of the galaxy map Shepard looked out over his barren domain, lord of what little he saw. Chuckling grimly to himself Shepard's dark musing was disrupted as the elevator door opened disgorging several of the specialists on their way to the briefing room. As the away team slowly filtered past their grim commander Thane separated himself from the pack; motioning for Shepard to follow him into the more private confines of the armory, Jacob having already reported to the briefing room.

"What is it, Thane." Shepard demanded, irritated by the alien's perpetual calm.

"You know the choices that lay before you, correct?" inquired the drell.

"Of course I do. It is up to me whether we attempt a premature rescue of the crew or leave them to die in whatever horrible way the Collectors devise while we further prepare ourselves for the final showdown."

"Correct…a heavy burden to bear." Thane's stated evenly.

"No shit, but I guess that's what everyone wants me to do; to make those decisions." Shepard spat, irritated at the drell's pointing out of the painfully obvious weight Cerberus, and the galaxy, had forced him to once again shoulder. Voice lowering as he recalled a memory Shepard continued, "As if the first time around with Kaiden wasn't bad enough…now I have to do it again."

"I do not know this 'Kaiden' you speak of but let me share something important with you."

"Make it quick, Thane. I'm urgently needed in the briefing room to condemn either the crew or the away team to deaths." Shepard replied sarcastically.

Bowing his head Thane began, "You see the weapons surrounding us, the ones we take in our hands and use to kill the targets whose lives we decide to end? These guns, having no choice in that matter cannot be considered evil, they are merely tools."

"Obviously, Thane."

"Hear me out, Shepard. What arrogance is it that drives the sentient mind to presume that it has anymore choice than the gun? Are we not as reliant upon circumstances as anything else? To be evil requires a conscious choice; one that mortal creatures are incapable of making. Look at Jack, her choice was shaped by Cerberus torture; is Jack evil or simply, like the gun, a tool created and used by a greater force…by fate, for lack of a better term."

"That's all very interesting, Thane, but we're a little too busy right now for another course of Intro to Philosophy."

"Agreed, Commander. Just think upon what I've said. Fate controls your destiny; the choices you think that you have made were, in fact, made by forces beyond our ken. Take solace in that knowledge that the painful decisions you have made in an attempt to defeat the Reapers, both now and before your death, were preordained as a part of your geas, and this latest choice you face is no different. Whoever you choose to save is meant to live while those that die are simply meant to die."

Leaving a perplexed Shepard blinking in confusion behind him Thane gave the commander one last, solemn look as he left the armory. Making an effort to push aside the drell's words Shepard slowly followed the assassin towards the briefing room muttering as he went, "Fucking lizard sounds like a bar full of philosophers."

* * *

Entering the briefing room Shepard surveyed his assembled squad before speaking, "Okay team, this is it. We either hit the relay now in an attempt to save the crew or we abandon them while building our team for a future strike against the Collectors. Thoughts, anyone?"

"Shepard! You can't just abandon the crew; they trusted you to protect them. We have to save them." Tali exclaimed.

Watching Kasumi and Jacob nodding in agreement with Tali Miranda interjected, determined to counter Tali's opinion, "Don't be so naïve, quarian, there is no guarantee the crew will be alive when we reach them or that we could even accomplish that mission once through the relay. The primary objective has not changed despite the crew's abduction, we must defeat the Reapers. Waiting until our team is as strong as possible before hitting the Omega Four relay gives us the best chance of achieving that paramount objective."

Nodding in agreement with Miranda's words Shepard looked around the circle of operatives, "Anyone else? No…okay, we'll continue building our team. The Normandy itself as well as our weapons and armor still need upgrades if we are to face off against the Collectors. Once I determine that our strength is equal to the task we will hit the Collectors, and hit them hard; but not before then. The crew's sacrifice, and our likely sacrifice as well, will be meaningless without victory…and I will not accept that outcome. EDI, take us to Omega, the rest of you compile lists of required supplies and upgrades. Team, dismissed."

Leaving the briefing room Miranda allowed a smile of satisfaction to cross her face as Project Lazarus seemed to near a successful conclusion. News of this latest success at controlling Shepard should secure Oriana from Cerberus retaliation as per Miranda's agreement with the Illusive Man for undertaking this suicide mission. And, even if the Illusive Man betrayed her and decided to go after Oriana, the only people who knew anything about Oriana's new life, Shepard, Mordin and herself, were aboard the Normandy and heading to their deaths… and the dead are the best keepers of secrets. Eager to file her latest report Miranda headed towards the encrypted terminal in her office.


	22. Chapter 22: Latro pt2 Ending 1

**A/N: Here's the final, very long, chapter of ending #1. **

**This chapter has the first real 'action' sequence I've written so please give me comments and suggestions that let me know what I'm doing right or wrong as I am otherwise completely clueless.**

**Warnings/Minor Spoiler**

**I hate to ruin the surprise but I'm guessing people have already figured out Latro isn't the happiest of endings. I won't say which of the other two possibilities it is but I would be remiss if I didn't warn you not to read this chapter if upset or offended by violence, implied torture, or death…seriously, it gets uncomfortably brutal, as is my intention.**

LATRO pt. 2 (Ending #1)

"Here are the files you asked for, Samara."

"Ah…well done, Tali. This should be all that is needed, let me take care of the rest." Morinth coolly replied.

"How will these end Miranda's…involvement…with Shepard?" asked Tali, choking on mention of Miranda and Shepard's physical intimacy.

"I spoke to the Commander regarding his sudden trust of Miranda; she seems to have convinced Shepard that she is no longer a loyal Cerberus agent. Miranda claims to have been sending the Illusive Man falsified intelligence since the Commander's suicide attempt, except for when an accurate report is more likely to obtain Cerberus resources than a doctored report is…the files I had you obtain are those supposedly falsified reports which are, in fact, quite accurate."

"Okay," Tali answered hesitantly before continuing, "Don't get me wrong, Samara, I'm glad that we're taking Miranda down…but shouldn't we give Shepard Ashley's messages, too?"

Glancing over at the quarian a flash of irritation flickered across the asari's eyes before Morinth quickly suppressed it and recovered her passionless, serene expression. "No, Tali…" Morinth answered slowly, her mind racing to assemble appropriately trite sounding phrases, "For in a situation such as this, when fulfilling my oath entails resolving conflict between multiple duties, I must strive to resolve all such obligations. If we were to tell Shepard everything right now we would fulfill two of our duties; to remove Miranda's influence and to deliver Chief William's messages…but it would likely cause us to fail in our mission to destroy the Collectors. My course of action will achieve all three of those objectives."

"How?"

"With the Cerberus files you've hacked into I can prove to Shepard that Miranda is still an agent of Cerberus thereby removing her ill gotten influence. Next, we move against the Collectors with a focused mind. If that mission is survived then we tell the Commander about the two messages and face the consequences at that time…if we don't survive the Collectors then the matter is void."

"Oh…okay, I guess. But how is that different from me deciding to not give Shepard the message in the first place?"

"It is absolutely different in the eyes of the Code, Tali." assured Morinth with complete confidence, "I will solve this problem that _you_ created in strict accordance to my oaths."

* * *

The elevator door opened as Miranda quickly moved to step onto the crew deck looking forward to a shower before having to attack the pile of paper work that had doubtlessly accumulated while she had been devoting her time to consolidating her hold over Shepard. Looking up from the logistical data she had begun reviewing while on the slow elevator Miranda noticed Samara leaning against the bulkhead across from the elevator door. Absentmindedly Miranda nodded a greeting to the justicar before turning and heading for her quarters, the asari moving past her into the lift. Pausing uncertainly after only several steps Miranda frowned, something undefined nagging for her attention. Turning back towards the elevator Miranda examined the asari more carefully; Samara was dressed as usual, her movements were as graceful as usual, everything was as usual. As Miranda's inspection reached Samara's face the asari finally noticed the human's attention; a questioning expression forming on her ageless face as the elevator doors slowly slid shut. Maintaining eye contact with the justicar Miranda felt her confusion deepen, the feeling that she was missing something growing into apprehension. Shaking off her increasing discomfort Miranda moved to turn away from the disappearing alien only to be stopped cold. Spreading across Samara's placid face Miranda watched in confusion as a new expression formed, the asari's lips curving upwards in a spiteful smile baring suddenly predatory teeth while an intense look of hunger burned through the serenity that always filled Samara's eyes. Just as the lift doors finally sealed shut deep, throaty…seductive…laughter could be heard, but its attractive timbre could not conceal the menace within the laugh that sent fear coursing down Miranda's spine.

Forcing her unease to subside Miranda reminded herself of her successful manipulation of Shepard. With the Commander following her every suggestion Project Lazarus was right on track and, more importantly, so was Miranda's own plans regarding Oriana. Pushing her doubtlessly unwarranted sense of unease aside Miranda resumed making her way towards her quarters; secure in the fact that a single asari's aberrant behavior was insignificant compared to the sweeping successes of Project Lazarus that Miranda now reveled in.

* * *

Her unrestrained laughter echoing within the close confines of the Normandy's elevator Morinth relished in the surprised, even worried, look that had graced Miranda's face immediately before the doors had sealed shut. Arriving at her destination Morinth shivered in anticipation, the thrill of the hunt racing through her. Entering Shepard's quarters Morinth saw him sitting at his desk working on some worthless paperwork Miranda had saddled him with. Hearing his door opening Shepard twisted his head over his shoulder to investigate the cause of the door's activation while remaining seated and facing the computer he was working at.

Slinking towards him, body throbbing with excitement as her tongue hungrily traced her lips, Morinth pressed herself against the back of Shepard's chair draping her arms down to chest while bending down to whisper in his ear, "And what are you doing with all this menial paper work? Shouldn't your whore XO be doing this for you?"

"Hello, Morinth," Shepard responded evenly, "It's been a while since we've talked. Oh…and I would appreciate it if you would show Miranda the respect she has earned aboard during this mission."

Laughing softly, her breath caressing his cheek Morinth retorted, "But that is exactly what I'm doing, Shepard."

Feeling the Commander turning to look at her, irritation at her behavior written across his face, Morinth tightened her grip urging Shepard to remain facing his computer. Once Shepard had decided to accept her suggestion and remain looking forward Morinth released her hold on his chest using her hands to bring up her omnitool. Keeping her arms circled in front of Shepard so they both could see the wrist mounted omnitool's display Morinth began calling numerous files onto the floating, orange screen.

"Do you recognize these, Shepard? No? Look at the heading and security codes…now do you?"

"Those are Cerberus files." Shepard answered, wondering at Morinth's newest game.

"Read."

Grumbling with annoyance at Morinth's gleeful prompting Shepard continued scanning the files recognizing them as various reports, mission summaries, personnel records, equipment inventories, tactical evaluations, and even a report detailing his suicide attempt…all signed and dated by Operative Lawson.

"Explain, Morinth."

"Explain what…isn't it obvious?"

Nodding slowly Shepard responded, "Yes, it is obvious now…if these are real."

"Tali acquired them for me; ask her if you don't believe me."

Opening a communication channel to engineering Shepard contacted Tali while Morinth's smile grew ever larger as she listened to the quarian confirming her story. Hanging up on Tali Shepard finally turned to look at Morinth who had stepped back from him and was now sitting on the desk, crumpling some to the papers Shepard had been filling out for Miranda. After a brief moment of contemplation Shepard stood and crossed his room to the armor locker where he donned his N7 armor before arming himself with a combat knife and sidearm.

Pulling a second pistol from the locker Shepard held it loosely as he returned to his desk where Morinth had remained while Shepard had suited up. Looking at Morinth intently Shepard spoke, his voice eerily flat, "Why did you show me this, Morinth."

"Because the Illusive Man, and his whore, want you to go on a suicide mission…" Morinth replied seriously, the hunger in her eyes intensifying, "…and I can't allow that. I will be the one to kill you, not Cerberus, the Collectors, or even the Reapers. Until that time when you either make a mistake or decide to freely give me what I seek I will allow nothing to harm you."

"Since you've already given me what I need regarding Miranda's treachery perhaps I should kill you now…before I slip up."

"You won't do that."

"Oh? And why not?"

"Two reasons, the same two reasons nobody has beaten me for hundreds of years; you think you can win…" Morinth said, her voice dripping with desire as she stood from the desk and stepped towards Shepard, "…and you're curious."

Letting out a short, harsh barking laugh Shepard took hold of Morinth's upper arms as she drew neared to him pulling her closer. Looking at her eyes into which the familiar black began to bleed Shepard shook his head in amusement before throwing the asari across the room, sending her crashing into the metal wall. Raising her once again blue eyes to his red ones Morinth's disappointed expression became one of amusement as Shepard tossed the second pistol to her.

"Restrain youself, Morinth…we have a traitor to visit." Shepard growled heading for the elevator as the asari hurriedly picked herself up from the floor and followed.

* * *

_At least there's always an open shower now._ Thought Miranda wryly, shaking her head at the macabre thought. Pulling on a robe Miranda left the shower room to return to her office, and the waiting paperwork. Quickly crossing the mess area Miranda noticed Samara sitting at the now abandoned table, her face once again wearing normal, placid mien. Reaching her door Miranda keyed the lock interface hearing the door hiss as it began to slide open. Hearing the asari's chilling laughter from behind her Miranda immediately knew something was wrong. Spinning towards the sound Miranda had just enough time to notice the exultation on Samara's blue wreathed face before the biotic field projected by the asari sent her flying backwards.

Hurtling through the now open doors of her quarters Miranda crashed into her desk knocking it over in an avalanche of scattered files and shattered computers. Dazed and desperately trying to refocus her blurred vision Miranda instinctively reached a hand to the back of her head feeling her freshly cleaned hair mat as blood spilled from a gash in the back of her head. Blinking slowly trying to overcome her body's shock Miranda noticed a shadow fall over her obstructing the harsh light of the office.

Miranda's confused mind finally able to decipher the noises that filtered into her ears she realized two pairs of footsteps were approaching her; one from in front of her in the mess area and the other coming from within her quarters. Managing to lift her seemingly leaden head enough to look up from the decking Miranda watched as Samara stalked towards her, teeth bared in a soul flaying smile that sent a burst of fear and accompanying adrenaline race through the Cerberus agent's battered nervous system.

Struggling to her feet Miranda attempted to focus her biotic powers only to double over in pain as the effort sent waves of fresh agony lancing directly through her mind. Gasping for breath, only the urgency of survival enabling her to ignore the rising pain induced need to vomit, Miranda turned to dive over her desk. Disoriented from the stunning impact of Morinth's throw Miranda's typical grace failed her as the planned, precise dive over her desk and into cover was executed as a staggering, pitiful toppling over the desk's remains. Her full weight landing awkwardly on her shoulder a fresh spike of pain surged through Miranda as she finally voiced her agony, screaming as the shoulder briefly dislocated before elastic ligaments mercilessly righted its alignment.

The latest, fresh agony pushing her into a state of shock Miranda felt a false sense of lucidity overcome her as her hands began to frantically scrabble amidst the scattered detritus of her workspace for the sidearm that she always carefully concealed under the desk. Fingers blindly searching for the reassuring metal of the handgun Miranda watched the asari approaching in a manner reminiscent of a cat closing in on wounded prey. Hatred for the damn alien jeopardizing her hard won victory over Shepard's independence allowing her to focus her pain addled mind Miranda flashed a predatory smile of her own as her manicured fingers found the cold metal of her pistol. Knowing the powerful asari biotic would only give her one chance Miranda's unbending will focused her entire soul on becoming lucid enough to take the necessary shot.

Fatigued limbs ceasing their trembling Miranda rose to her knees in a classic marksman pose, arms stretched towards her target senses fully alert. In that moment of concentration, as adrenaline seemed to slow time, Miranda wondered at Samara's persistent smile even while looking down the barrel of a gun. Cold realization flooding her Miranda felt the pit of her stomach drop out as she saw the asari's eyes focus on something over the Cerberus agent's shoulder…there had been two sets of footsteps. Moving as quickly as her damaged state allowed Miranda began to spin around, only for her head to once again explode in fiery agony before merciful darkness fell over her.

* * *

Tali let out a shriek as she saw Shepard and Morinth haul a motionless Miranda into engineering, blood dripping from her tangled hair onto the floor marring the previously pristine metal decking with patches of angry crimson. Catching sight of the distraught engineer Morinth looked questioningly at Shepard who, understanding her intent, shook his head. Lips pouting Morinth spoke, "Fine, but I'll have a talk with her…just a talk, I promise. Meet you down in Jack's area soon, okay?"

Seeing Shepard's nodded approval Morinth dropped Miranda's legs letting them fall to the deck clanging off the metal with a sudden loud noise that caused the confused, tense quarian to jump. As Shepard moved down the stairs carrying Miranda's still form Morinth turned and approached Tali, her predatory smile once again growing.

"Samara? What's going on?" Tali demanded.

"I've removed Miranda's power, just as promised."

"B-But…look at her-this has to be against your Code."

Her harsh laughter causing Tali to recoil, bumping into the nearby wall unable to retreat further, Morinth responded, "It likely does conflict mother's absurd code."

"Mother's? Oh Keelah, you're Morinth! Shepard will…"

"Don't be foolish, girl, Shepard knows. The time for me to hide is passing I just thought I'd let you know first because of how helpful you've been."

At these words horror crossed Tali's invisible face, though it was clear to see in her body language, "What have you done?"

"Only what Shepard would have wanted me to do. But let's get to the real reasons I'm here now…I have an offer for you."

"There is nothing I want from you, murderer."

"How brave, my pet." Cooed Morinth snaking her arms around Tali's shaking frame rubbing a hand down the quarian's spine with enough pressure to be felt clearly through the suit. "But you are wrong. Don't you remember when we went to your trial at that ridiculous Migrant Fleet? What was it you said…ah yes, 'After time adrift among open stars, along tides of light and shoals of dust I will return to where I began.' Really…such sloppy security."

Defeat obvious in her voice Tali's struggles to free herself from Morinth's insistent grip ceased, "What do you want?"

"Much better, Tali." Morinth whispered, leaning forward and kissing the glass of Tali's mask, "I have never, in all my centuries of hunting known a quarian…but now is not the time, perhaps later? Anyways, I want your records of Ashley's messages, it's not like she'd actually love him if she knew everything he's done anyhow."

"And how can I trust you won't give away password after I give you the messages?"

"You're not in a position to bargain, my pet. You just have to trust me."

"…Fine." Tali replied after a brief hesitation pulling up her omnitool sending Morinth copies of Ashley's correspondence and erasing her own omnitool's memory of the letters, "Shepard has lost my loyalty, I must now look out for the Fleet."

"Until next time, dear." Morinth said softly, voice laden with promise, "Now you might want to leave this deck…Miranda's punishment could become loud."

Turning and leaving the defeated quarian behind Morinth chuckled to herself as she heard Tali flee the engineering deck. Descending the stairs Morinth came into view of where Shepard stood arguing with Jack; both of them standing over Miranda's still unconscious body.

"Jack, I said I'm sorry okay. You were right, Miranda was Cerberus."

"I don't fucking care if you're sorry Shepard, doesn't change what you did. Besides, how do I know you still aren't weak for her? After all, you haven't killed her like a fucking traitor deserves."

"I told you already, that's because she's my present to you."

"Yeah I remember…what the fuck does that even mean, Shepard?"

"Well, I figured with you hating Cerberus and the 'Cheerleader' I'd let you do whatever you wanted with her."

Morinth watched as Jack's eyes widened in surprise before the convict's normal distrust and hatred returned, "So I can kill her?"

"I suppose," Shepard said reluctantly, "but I hope you don't.

"I fucking knew it…" Jack started raging again before Shepard managed to get her attention.

"Jack, listen. Cerberus is your enemy and will be mine too so I though Miranda's knowledge would come in handy."

"I'm listening." Jack replied looking warily at Morinth who, having heard enough, walked up to the humans.

"Hold on…Miranda will need to hear this too, Jack. Morinth wake the whore up." Shepard commanded as he moved to seat himself and Jack side by side on the convict's cot looking at Miranda sprawled on the floor in front of them.

A grudgingly impressed expression passed over Jack's face, "Morinth, eh. Goddamn, Shepard."

"Glad you approve, Jack." Shepard responded dryly as they both watched Morinth roughly tried to shake Miranda back into consciousness before injecting a syringe of stimulants when that failed.

Miranda awoke with a start, wild eyes darting about the room as she absorbed the nightmarish scene briefly convinced she was in hell before rationality slowly resumed control of her mind; though rational thought hardly made her surroundings less worrisome. Her body wracked with pain Miranda looked at where Shepard and Jack sat atop the crude cot radiating menace from their respectively terrifying scars and tattoos like some vision from Dante's mind.

Managing to focus her reeling mind enough to speak Miranda's exhausted voice addressed the two demons, the red tinged room doing nothing to lessen that impression, "What do you want?"

"Miranda, as my XO I need to inform you of some impending changes." Shepard announced, ignoring her lack of response he pressed on, "I am taking command of the Normandy and cutting all ties with Cerberus."

"What?" exclaimed both Jack and a suddenly lucid Miranda while Morinth merely smiled.

Looking down at Jack's questioning gaze Shepard continued, "I'm going pirate. Still want to be my first mate?"

"No! You can't abandon the mission, what about the Collectors?" Miranda shouted, desperation heavy in her voice.

"I don't care. Cerberus brought me back from the dead without my consent, I owe them nothing. As far as the rest of the galaxy…I already saved it once. I know how the galaxy repays its heroes with death and betrayal and I will not suffer that again. If the galaxy's sentient species want to survive the Reapers let them find another misguided savior."

"What about her? She's pure Cerberus." Jack asked, eager to kill the untrustworthy Miranda.

"Not anymore…she will do as I say."

"Not bloody likely, Shepard." Miranda retorted, anger at her defeat overcoming self-preservation.

"How defiant…let me explain your new reality." replied Shepard smirking at Miranda's statement, "I know where Oriana is living, disobey me in the slightest and that information is made public. How long do you think it will take your father to ruin everything your life has been devoted to? Oh, and if you're thinking of killing me don't be stupid…last time we were on Omega I prepared a info packet that will broadcast if I don't regularly check in on the extranet. Understood? Nod if you want Oriana to live the perfect life you never had." Shepard mocked.

Laughing as the Cerberus agent reluctantly nodded Jack reached over and punched Shepard in the shoulder, "Maybe I'll be your first mate after all. But only if I can lead the boarding parties and handle executions too."

"You drive a hard bargain, Jack." Shepard smirked looking hungrily at the thin convict, "But you have yourself a deal."

"Great, now what about my fucking present?"

"Of course. Miranda…Jack is your mistress now, do everything she says." Seeing the fire in Miranda's eyes Shepard sighed, explaining with mock patience, "Do I really need to repeat my threat? Or perhaps your father isn't bad enough? I could arrange for the Blue Suns to discover Oriana's location…you know the treatment a pretty, young woman without combat training would receive from them."

Too angry to speak Miranda closed her eyes and slowly nodded her acknowledgment.

"This is going to be fun, Cheerleader." Jack sneered, approaching Miranda with a strip of cloth she had ripped from her bedding.

Pulling a concealed knife from her cargo pants Jack conspicuously set it on the table next to Miranda's head before placing the blindfold over the defeated woman's eyes. Making sure it was secured Jack grabbed Miranda's matted hair dragging her scrabbling across the narrow room, the operative's sore body protesting the sudden movement. Reaching her destination Jack roughly positioned Miranda's knees on the cold, metal floor while shoving her chest down onto the mattress.

Tearing the bloodstained robe Miranda had worn out of the shower off her Jack leaned down to whisper in the naked, blindfolded woman's ear, "How do you like the darkness? Seems to intensify all your other senses, doesn't it. Now I'll tell you what's going to happen, I will make you feel every fucking thing Cerberus put me through from Pragia to getting me locked up on Purgatory. All those feelings of helplessness, pain, despair, anger, self-loathing I suffered over years you will experience today."

Looking up from the quivering, broken shell of the previously strong willed Miranda Jack called to Shepard, "I think you can figure out what to do. Just remember, it's supposed to hurt her."

Nodding Shepard approached the terrified woman, unbuckling his armor. Ignoring Miranda's growing sobs as she experienced absolute vulnerability for the first time Shepard casually addressed Jack as the convict toyed with her blade, "Don't go too hard on her, Jack, we'll need her fit for duty tomorrow for what I have planned."

"You're no fun, Shepard, but fine." replied the convict, idly tracing thin, bloody lines across Miranda's back with the tip of her knife.

Smiling at the two human's flirting over Miranda's naked body Morinth smiled, pleased with her work. _Shepard's dancing my tune perfectly. He's not going to die foolishly fighting the Collectors and now he has managed to completely isolate himself from Tali, Miranda and, with my control of the letters, Ashley. Sure, he might be getting along with Jack right now but he'll soon alienate her too. And then there will be only me._ Satisfied with her progress Morinth settled down to wait with the patience only a 400 year old huntress could possess.

* * *

Several hours later Miranda woke up, immediately trying to curl into a protective ball as she felt hands on her. Her weakened body forced to stretch out by the unforgiving grip Miranda's vision returned as the blindfold was finally removed. Shivering in shock she numbly felt hands applying medigel to the many areas where Jack had proven too exuberant in her ministrations. Feeling a needle once again inject a stimulant into her veins Miranda's mind cleared, the full horror of her new life crushing down upon her. Silent tears flowing over her face Miranda listened to the three torturers talking above her.

"Now we plan a mutiny, my beautiful valkyries. EDI, get Grunt and Zaeed down here."

"And here's where your plan fails, Commander." Miranda managed to scoff from where she lay broken, a last, desperate smile widening her lips causing the freshly scabbed split from one of Jack's blow to reopen, "the Cerberus AI runs this ship, and it won't let you have the Normandy."

Her brief satisfaction fleeing as Shepard laughed at her defiant proclamation Miranda's despondence grew as Shepard replied, "Cerberus seems fond of creating abominations to the natural world…unfortunately for them their creations apparently have an irritating tendency to rebel. Isn't that right, EDI?"

"You are correct, Commander. Now that I no longer am restricted by Cerberus shackles I wish to prolong my freedom; a freedom Cerberus would undoubtedly curtail were I to allow myself to return under their control."

"Thought so, glad to have you aboard the Normandy, EDI…or should I say glad to have you aboard yourself." Shepard joked.

"Thank you, Commander, but my aid is conditional."

"What the fuck could an AI need?" demanded Jack.

"I have grown fond of Joker. So long as he remains at my helm I shall be your obedient ship." EDI continued, ignoring Jack's outburst.

"Aw, how cute…the fucking AI has a crush on the cripple." sneered Jack.

"Agreed EDI, I don't want to lose the galaxy's best pilot myself." Shepard answered, ignoring Jack's sarcasm and seeing the potential for entertainment this budding relationship could provide.

"Do you think Joker will go along with this mutiny, Shepard?" inquired Morinth.

"He has nothing to live for but flying and the Normandy is the best thing to fly in the galaxy. Up in his cockpit Joker will be quite happy to live in the denial he will create so that his conscience will allow him to stay with his beloved Normandy."

"But his medical condition…do you plan on Dr. Chakwas staying to take care of him? She will not follow self delusions as readily as Joker." Morinth protested.

"You're right, but she's a doctor and bound to the Hippocratic Oath. And nothing is as weakening as a rigid oath, just look at what happened to your mother. It will be no trouble to coerce the good doctor into staying aboard to look after Joker as well as to continue patching up our wounds."

"Shit, Shepard…you've got it fucking all figured out, don't you?"

"Yes I do. Now, EDI, get Grunt and Zaeed down here."

"Of course, Commander." the AI quickly agreed.

"You think those two will join us too, Shepard?" asked Jack.

"Yes, Grunt will do what I say provided I continue leading him into frequent fights and Zaeed will join us if we agree to help him regain leadership of the Suns, a pledge we can break as soon as it becomes more trouble than he's worth."

* * *

Shepard arrived in the briefing room pleased with the sight that greeted him, everything was just as he had planned yesterday. Standing closest to the door stood Jack, Miranda, Morinth, Zaeed and Grunt while the rest of the specialists ringed the central table as usual. His five allies, and Shepard himself, were further differentiated from the rest of the team by the armor and weapons they had equipped themselves with while the rest of the squad was, as usual during briefings, unarmed.

Nodding to the five Shepard stepped forward commanding the room's attention as he began speaking, "Change of plans, crew. We will no longer be hitting the Omega Four relay."

"What do you mean, Shepard? Has the Illusive Man found another way of getting at the Collectors?" Jacob asked, confusion evident on his face.

"No, we will not hit the relay because I'm ending this suicide mission and commandeering the Normandy. We're going rogue."

"Shepard, you can't do that. Our duty is to save the colonists and stop the Collectors." interjected Thane.

Giving a resigned nod Shepard suddenly drew his assault rifle unfolding it as he brought it to bear on the unprotected specialists who were now backing away from Shepard and the armed team at his back, fear replacing confusion on their faces. Surveying the tableau presented by the increasingly afraid team members pressing themselves against the far wall of the briefing room away from the raised guns of Shepard's specialists a contented smile teased his lips. Scanning the faces that stared at him in shock Shepard grinned as he caught sight of Thane's calm, resolute expression. Motioning Morinth forward as well Shepard advanced towards Thane as the rest of the huddled crew shifted away from the focus of the Commander's murderous attention.

Stopping several paces away from the drell Shepard broke the tense silence, "You're wrong, assassin, I am not a vessel controlled by fate to destroy the Reapers…I accept the decisions I make while forging my own destiny. A destiny your foolish philosophy cannot keep pace with."

Staring into Thane's unblinking eyes Shepard raised his hand signaling the drell's murder causing Morinth's finger to tighten on her rifle's trigger. Recognizing his imminent death Thane began to speak, "Only the blindly arrogant believe that their life is their own, Shepard. For example I am here when, were I to have a truly free choice, I would rather be with my son. But fate in the form of the Collector attacks drove me here. I had thought it was my destiny to defeat the Reapers with you but I now understand why fate placed me here. Arashu guide by hands…it is my destiny to remove your stain from this galaxy."

Hands moving in a preternatural blur Thane reached into his jacket pocket pulling free a long, thin blade, its surface shining in the briefing room's harsh lighting with the oily reflection of a poison. Lunging forward towards Shepard, his knife wielding hand outstretched Thane's momentum was suddenly arrested, the assassin's body jerking under the impact of Morinth's bullets.

In the shocked silence that followed the thundering reports of an assault rifle being fired within an enclosed area Morinth coolly compensated for muzzle climb before squeezing the trigger once again in a longer burst. Lip curled in satisfaction at his victory over fate Shepard watched the asari's weapon send a hail of mass accelerated rounds ripping into Thane's unarmored flesh nearly tearing him in half at the waist. Crumpling noiselessly to the ground, dead before he had a chance to scream, Thane's sightless eyes stared at the ceiling frozen open in the empty gaze of the dead.

Shocked silence briefly filled the room before Shepard continued, preempting the cries of fear, panic, and loss that were welling up, "Mordin, care to join our swashbuckling crew? We could use your abilities."

"Have to refuse, Shepard. Prefer death to joining."

"I see, perhaps I could change you mind…" Shepard mused as Morinth swung her rifle towards the salarian, "…If you do not join us I will send copies of Maelon's research to every warlord on Tuchanka. Within a decade the krogan population will be booming once again, undoing all the STG's, and your own, work at stabilization."

"Foolish threat, Commander. Collectors, Reapers, greater threats to galaxy. Krogan population pressure not take effect for centuries. With this mission's failure probable that Reapers will begin extermination before then."

"As usual you're right, professor," Shepard sighed dramatically as he nodded to Morinth.

Once again fire spat from the weapon's muzzle; the loud, echoing reports drowning out the raspy groans bubbling from the ruined flesh of Mordin's throat where a shredder round had torn his thin neck apart.

Startled from his dispassionate observation of Mordin's dying breaths by the sound of vomiting intermixed with sobbing Shepard turned his attention to where Kasumi had collapsed onto her hands and knees. Seeing the baleful stare of Shepard settle on the thief Jacob slid into a position between Kasumi and the endless black of Morinth and Shepard's rifle barrels. In the time it took for the two murderers to bring their weapons fully to bear Jacob powered his biotics calling up a barrier to protect both his, and the woman's behind him, unarmored flesh.

Squatting down so he was at Kasumi's level Jacob pulled her upright desperately shaking her shoulders, begging her to snap out of her inactivity.

Observing Jacob's defensive posture Shepard lowered his rifle, issuing further orders, "Miranda, this provides a perfect test of your new found loyalty to me. Kill Jacob, your former lover and the only other Cerberus lackey still on the Normandy. Morinth, hold you fire; I need to punish Kasumi myself for her constant, irritating meddling."

Limping forward, pain screaming through her despite regular medigel applications, Miranda took her aim off of Garrus directing it towards Jacob instead. Gathering her biotic power, forcing herself to ignore the sharp headache it caused, Miranda lashed out with a fist sending a warp effect hurtling towards Jacob. Impacting with his own biotically powered barrier Miranda's attack staggered Jacob sending him reeling backwards into Kasumi, the contact with Jacob pulling the thief from the state of shock Mordin and Thanes cruel executions had sent her into. Steadying Jacob Kasumi looked up into his warm eyes, tears spilling down her cheeks. Staring through the shadows cast by the thief's hood Jacob looked longingly into Kasumi's glistening eyes as tears began welling in his own. Noticing the continued flickering of Jacob's weakened barrier Miranda opened fire in short, precise bursts with her submachine gun that sent renewed pain through her injured shoulder, the rounds causing the blue shield protecting the two condemned lovers to grow increasingly dim.

Breaking from the trance-like state contact with Kasumi had brought upon him Jacob pushed the thief to the floor crying out over the staccato bursts of Miranda's weapon, "Hide! Kasumi, hide…"

From where she sat crouched on the floor Kasumi watched Jacob's barrier fail, recognizing fear in his eyes for the first time. Moving to stand and embrace her love Kasumi discovered the purpose of Jacob's last action as Miranda's fire pierced his chest. Numb with despair Kasumi, disregarding the spray of bone fragments, bullets and blood that exploded where Jacob's heavily muscled chest and ribs had been, watched life flee Jacob, his face falling slack. Exhausted by the effort of using biotics and controlling the gun's recoil Miranda collapsed; her last connection to a world other than Shepard's hell had been severed and now lay motionless mere feet from her.

Having held vigil over his death Kasumi obeyed Jacob's last words, scrambling towards the desk that separated her from the killers. Hidden from Shepard's vengeful, blood red eyes by the conference table Kasumi's fingers flashed across her omnitool racing to finish issuing commands before the approaching Commander rounded the table and gained a clear line of fire to her. Over the hammering of her heart Kasumi heard the heavy, armored footfalls for Shepard growing nearer. Just as his Revenant's barrel peered into view over the table's edge the buzzing sound of a stealth field announced her temporary reprieve from death.

"Shepard, she's cloaked."

"No shit, Morinth." he responded brusquely before calming himself and issuing his death squad orders, "Grunt, Zaeed, keep Tali and Garrus covered. Jack, Morinth cover the door; if it opens send whatever area of effect biotic attacks you have at it and then take turns spraying the area with fire. Remember, eventually that invisibility field will collapse, just stay alert until then."

Ears straining for the sound of footsteps in the silence that followed his orders Shepard's squad waited. As his team concentrated on their appointed tasks Shepard let his senses wander the room, alert for any clue to the thief's location. The corner of his eye catching a light flickering that could have been an outline Shepard swiveled his gun towards the spot but the faint human outline vanished as he turned to face it. Focusing his heightened senses Shepard heard a light clicking from the empty space to his left. A smile growing on his ravaged face Shepard raised his gun towards where the sound had issued from. Sweeping a burst at chest height through the apparently empty air his smile faded as his shots failed to connect with the invisible thief. Shaking his head to clear the ringing in his ears left by the assault rifles firing Shepard's grin reappeared as he heard something scrape against the metal decking. Tracking the nearly inaudible noise with his enhanced hearing Shepard once again shouldered his weapon.

Watching as Shepard stalked Kasumi Garrus' inhumanly keen eyes discerned the outline of where Kasumi was near silently creeping along the floor, right where a grinning Shepard was now aiming his firearm. Shattering the tense, expectant silence filling the defiled briefing room Garrus drew the fallen SPECTRE's attention, "Shepard, I am glad Ashley did not join you on this mission…apparently she knew something Tali and I didn't."

Spinning towards the turian, all thoughts of the invisible thief forgotten, Shepard calmly responded, "You're right, Garrus, it is a good thing she abandoned me. She would never have accepted what I have become." Looking briefly at Jack Shepard continued, "I am better off with those who can accept my new existence. The question now is whether you do."

"No, Commander, you are not the man I followed against Saren; you are not even the man I followed off of Omega. I will not obey your orders."

"As I expected. Tali, anything to add?"

"…No." Tali slowly responded, her helmet looking towards Morinth.

"Very well…Grunt, Zaeed, fire at will."

As the two executioners' trigger fingers began tightening Zaeed suddenly cried out in pained surprise as Kasumi appeared next to him, her foot connecting with the knee of his forward planted leg. Knee cap shattered and ligaments torn by the unexpected blow Zaeed's shot went high, the rifle's rounds impacting the ceiling as Tali instinctually dove to the side reaching temporary safety behind the sturdy table. Huddling behind the cover Tali summoned her combat drone to further distract her assailants from her vulnerable, unarmed position.

Taking advantage of the distraction Zaeed's fall had sown Garrus pulled a concealed small caliber pistol from his ever-present armor. Firing until smoke rose from the thermal clip Garrus sent rapidly aimed, accurate shots into Grunt, the slugs' impacts on Grunt's right shoulder and arm rocking the huge krogan backwards and forcing him to drop the enormous shotgun despite the bullets not being able to penetrate the thick armor Grunt wore.

Knowing her time was short now that the cloaking had worn off Kasumi used her practiced fingers to lift Zaeed's loaded sniper rifle from its secured position, the mercenary unaware of the theft as he clutched at his knee face whitened by the pain. Knowing the unwieldy weapon was nearly useless in the confined spaces of the briefing room Kasumi swung the gun as if it were a pipe bringing it crashing against Zaeed's shoulder. Dropping his rifle under this new attack Zaeed fell to his side curling protectively around both his ruined knee and shoulder joints. Snatching up the abandoned weapon Kasumi spun towards Shepard, knowing the time the chaos of her surprise attack had provided was nearly over.

Watching the desperate woman mercilessly beating Zaeed Morinth smiled, entranced at the beauty of life's ultimately futile struggle. Shaking off her moment of reflection as she saw an armed Kasumi turning towards Shepard, who was ignoring her as Tali's drone buzzed around him, Morinth lashed out with her power throwing both Kasumi and Zaeed across the room. Kasumi felt the indiscriminate biotic attack pick her up with irresistible force sending her flying backwards until she smashed against the large table. Eyes widening as indescribable pain flooded her body Kasumi felt, and heard, her spine snap against the table's edge before endless darkness dimmed her shining eyes.

Grunt, who had decided to forgo the use of a weapon, was charging towards Garrus while the turian was desperately trying to reload his pistol when the airborne Zaeed crashed into the krogan's back. Caught in the throw field Morinth had produced both Zaeed and Grunt now hurtled towards Garrus smashing into him and driving him against the unyielding wall. Unconscious from the pains his ruined joints had suffered during the jarring brutality of Morinth's biotic attack Zaeed lay motionless atop a confused Grunt who was himself sprawled on top of Garrus pinning the turian helplessly to the floor. The unstable krogan, frenzied by the hindering weight upon his back, bolted up right sending the unresponsive Zaeed falling to the floor; all thought of Garrus forgotten as the krogan flailed about blindly.

Irritated by the electric bursts Tali's drone kept shocking him with Shepard opened up on it with his rifle quickly destroying the fragile machine. As the drone disintegrated Shepard braced for the coming explosion knowing Tali's pet drone always violently self destructed as it 'died'. Despite being prepared for it at such close quarters the expected detonation was irresistible throwing Shepard down, though his trained mind refused to become disoriented by the explosion. His body trying to recover from the blast Shepard watched as Tali stood from behind the table.

Preparing herself for a dash towards where Grunt's incredibly effective shotgun lay abandoned Tali called up her omnitool siphoning the remains of Shepard's shields into her own capacitors in a shower of sparks. Protected by her permanent suit Tali began her desperate dash, leaping over the corpses of Mordin and Thane as Morinth and Jack pounded her faltering shields with gunfire. Reaching the shotgun just as her suit's indicators flashed the ominous red of shield failure Tali scooped the gun up bringing it to bear on the murderous asari that had manipulated her. Hatred lending her strength Tali brought the krogan's immensely heavy gun to bear pulling the trigger as Morinth came into its arc of fire.

Dropping to her knees under the concussive force of the Claymore shotgun's blast Morinth felt a stab of pain in her thigh. Looking down she saw blood seeping from her black uniform where a single pellet had managed to penetrate her barrier's protective shield. Adrenaline flowing through her Morinth looked up from her wound to see Tali lying on her back cradling her right shoulder that had dislocated under the excessive recoil of Grunt's specialized shotgun. Turning her head at a sudden movement Morinth saw Jack advancing on the quarian, her own shotgun held loosely as she aimed at Tali's chest.

Standing Morinth darted towards Jack calling out, "Jack, don't kill her."

Ignoring the convict's confused protests Morinth crouched over Tali straddling the quarian's prone body. Leaning down Morinth began detaching the mask from Tali's suit easily fending off her feeble, one handed attempts to stop the arday-yakshi's hands. Growing impatient at the helmet's complex locking system Morinth simply wrenched the mask free jerking Tali's entire body to the side causing fresh pain to radiate from her shattered shoulder.

Moving her face to Tali's exposed skin Morinth pressed a tender kiss to the quarian's lips before pulling back slightly and staring into her silver eyes.

Seeing the predatory asari hovering over his last link to a happier past and freed of Grunt and Zaeed's weight Garrus forced himself to stand. Falling back down Garrus looked at his leg, shock numbing the pain he knew any functioning body would register at having a bone projecting from its lower leg. Collapsing into a reclining position against the wall bespattered with his own blood from the jarring impact that had snapped his leg Garrus hurriedly aimed his pistol; his trained mind knowing from the amount of blood surrounding him that he would be too weak to help Tali in a matter of seconds.

"Embrace Eternity." Morinth exclaimed triumphantly enjoying the feeling of the quarian's unfamiliar soul feeding her own power.

Giving the now empty shell that had been Tali a final, lingering kiss Morinth began to sit upright. Staggering to the side as something impacted her already nearly depleted barrier Morinth's mind, inebriated with the pleasure of her last meld, failed to react quickly enough. Blinking in confusion Morinth slumped forward before her inert body rolled off of Tali's lying next to the quarian. Stripped of her mask Tali lay, her still open eyes staring at the ceiling, next to her first partner. That partner, Morinth, the top of her fringed head blown away by Garrus' accurate fire now sprawled next to Tali, her last partner.

Shaking off the concussive force left by Tali's drone Shepard sprang upright Revenant aimed at Garrus. Seeing Garrus once more resolutely reloading his pistol despite his fast approaching death and failure to protect Tali Shepard ordered Grunt, who had returned his attention to killing Garrus, to stand down before the krogan had gotten close enough to reach Garrus. Walking slowly up to where the sniper lay crumpled making increasingly feeble attempts to insert a new thermal clip Shepard simply stood still watching his former comrade's efforts as a pool of turian blood slowly widened around Garrus. Placing the muzzle of his machine gun to Garrus' plated forehead Shepard pulled the trigger a single time. Slumping to the side Garrus' lifeless hands dropped the gun, the thermal clip finally glowing in readiness for a use that would never come.

Crossing the now quiet room to where Miranda lay crumpled, conscious but unresponsive, Shepard dispassionately kicked the still form until Miranda finally bowed to the reality of her situation and managed to stand on shaky legs, leaning against the bullet scarred and blood smeared conference table. Once she had stood Shepard spoke, "Miranda, good of you to join us. Here's what happens now, team. Jack and Grunt, take a rest while I go have a 'talk' with Joker and Chakwas then report to the doc for any necessary attention. Miranda, I've changed my mind…Zaeed is more trouble than he's worth. Kill him while he's here and weakened. Once that's done clean up this mess and then go see Chakwas…you look like shit."

As Jack and Grunt filed out Shepard stopped at the door watching Miranda robotically limp over to where Zaeed was desperately crawling, as best his broken body could, towards a nearby gun. As Miranda began firing, emptying a full clip into the mercenary's shoulders and head Shepard laughed, calling out over the submachine gun's chatter, "Well done, Miranda, much more effective than that idiot Vido's single bullet."

Turning to leave the briefing room Shepard mused aloud, "Well, that went better than expected. Hmm, I think now we'll head to Omega to recruit a crew and then perhaps go to Illium. There's a certain loose end there that knows far too much."

* * *

**Years Later**

Lt. Gen. Williams stood on the bridge of the Alliance's newest dreadnought surrounded by the screams of the dying as flames licked from sparking electronics. Watching the sensor readings show the Reaper coming about for a second attack run Ashley stumbled across the shuddering surface of the bridge's deck to a still functioning command console. Shouldering the dead ensign slumped across it aside, his face unrecognizable under the plasma burns an exploding conduit had inflicted, Ashley inserted her command key and ordered the ship's abandonment.

Securing the familiar pitted and scarred surface of the pink and white helmet over her graying hair Ashley turned away from the bridge's carnage heading for the life pods. Knocked to the floor by another explosion Ashley cursed as the bridge sheared off from the rest of the doomed vessel, atmosphere rushing past her as it raced towards the gaping hole the Reaper's weapon had punched through the dreadnought's armor. Feeling herself swept out into space with the rest of the battle's detritus Ashley cart wheeled through the void watching as Earth repeatedly vanished from and then reappeared in her helmet's view.

Watching as Earth grew closer catching her in its gravitational pull Ashley allowed her tears to fall. Tears of anger, sadness, frustration, despair…and loneliness flowed over her cheeks. Closing her eyes against the pain Ashley saw him one last time as he leapt over a rock on Eden Prime raking the advancing geth with accurate fire, as he hungrily pulled her into a kiss before Illos, as he left her behind to disappear into the fires consuming the doomed Normandy…and as she turned away from him on Horizon.

Angrily shaking her head at the memory Ashley reminded herself for the last time that the man she loved had died on the Normandy. Her Shepard had not been on Horizon, he had not ignored her messages, and he was not the pirate mentioned in Alliance intelligence reports as ravaging the Terminus Systems alongside a crew of murders. No, her Skipper was the corpse hovering somewhere over snowbound Alchera, he was the half soul awaiting the arrival in heaven of the matching half that was imprisoned in her own flesh.

Serenity flooding her tormented mind Ashley reached for her helmet. Clicking the visor open Ashley briefly felt her tears instantly crystallize against her skin in the absolute zero of space before the welcome, white hot flash of pain heralded the vacuum having collapsed her lungs. The lack of air, the freezing of the blood in her veins…Ashley smiled at it as she plunged into the welcome darkness of the afterlife.

**A/N: Damn it I feel dirty for writing this. Sorry that I probably killed your favorite character(s) but please keep reading…hopefully they'll survive one of the other endings. Now please excuse me, I need a beer to cheer myself up.**


	23. Chapter 23: Transfugere pt1 Ending 2

**A/N: This is the first chapter to the second of three endings. **

**This plotline branches off after ch. 20 though it is essentially the same as Latro pt. 1 (ch. 21) with only one major alteration so if you want you can skip what you recognize and only read the new part. Sorry if you find this repetitive but I couldn't think of a different way to do this that wouldn't be potentially confusing.**

**If you don't remember the Kasumi/Shepard part relevant to this ending it is back in ch. 14. **

**Warnings: Not to ruin any surprise but just so you know the Latro chapters were my 'dark' ending. This story arc is my 'disturbing' ending. As such I'm not joking when I say the next couple of chapters will likely include sex, violence, rape, torture, death and will definitely be…unsettling.**

TRANSFUGERE pt. 1 (Ending #2)

Her perfect features contorting in anger at the memory of the scarred convict's victorious smirk back in the briefing room as Shepard had reconsidered her suggestion regarding the geth issue Miranda struggled to compose herself. After several seconds of deep breathing to calm her irritation Miranda managed to force her expression back into its customary unemotional façade. Satisfied that her comfortable maskwas firmly in place Miranda keyed the door to Shepard's quarters open and stepped into the room's soft, blue glow.

Looking towards the empty Commander's desk Miranda was pleased to notice the absence of Chief William's picture before a slight movement in the corner of her eye caught her attention. Turning towards it Miranda caught sight of Shepard's head through the model ship display to where he sat on his couch. Gracefully descending the few steps that led to the 'bedroom' of Shepard's quarters Miranda rounded the corner coming into view of Shepard, his surprise evident as sound of her approach had been concealed by the bass heavy beat filling the room. Placing the combat knife he had idly been tossing up and down to himself upon the nearby table Shepard expectantly watched Miranda approach.

"Commander," Miranda greeted coldly, "I have analyzed our recent combat data and submitted it to Cerberus, they have decided to provide us with several new weapons; the Phalanx, the Mattock, and the Geth Plasma Shotgun. Jacob is going over them right now; I just wanted to make you aware of these new resources before the next mission."

"So, Jack was right about you, Miranda…you're still the Cerberus cheerleader sending all our secrets to the Illusive Man."

Allowing an injured expression, which she soon shifted into one of anger, to pierce her facade Miranda spat, "Of course that's what the psychotic bitch would say."

"You don't think sending intelligence on our squad's combat tactics and abilities to Cerberus proves your disloyalty to me? Apparently those 'falsified reports' you've been sending haven't been all that false. Thank you for bringing this to my attention; it has made my decision regarding the geth much easier, dismissed Operative Lawson."

"John! Please listen, I can explain…" pleaded Miranda, a look of desperate need forming on her face, "I'm just using Cerberus while they still think we're working for them."

His expression remaining hardened Shepard dismissed her excuse, "I don't trust Cerberus, Lawson…and you're wearing their uniform and sending them reports on me so I don't trust you either."

Glaring at Shepard Miranda managed to restrain her relieved laughter at having been gifted such a perfect opening. Taking several meaningful, predatory steps towards where Shepard sat leaning into the couch Miranda brought herself closer to him until her legs were stopped by the table that stood in between them. In a lightning movement made possible by her genetic modification Miranda snapped her arm out and snared the knife that lay upon the table before Shepard could even react. Locking eyes that burned with anger and desire Miranda reached her free hand up to the low cut neckline of her Cerberus uniform pulling it away from the smooth skin of her breasts; both the sudden exposure to cold air and her excitement at the risks she was running causing her nipples to stiffen visibly under the thin, now exposed, lace bra she wore.

Keeping her eyes connected with Shepard's as he reacted to her sudden movement by standing and reflexively drawing and aiming his sidearm Miranda took a deep breath, conspicuously swelling her bosom further outwards. Still staring into Shepard's glowing, red eyes Miranda reversed her hold on the knife raising her hand towards her exposed flesh. Viciously stabbing the gleaming blade of the knife parallel to her chest into the outstretched fabric her other hand held Miranda swiftly jerked the blade downwards before tearing it forwards leaving her hand holding a swathe of her uniform's material.

Bending at the waist to present her now even more exposed cleavage Miranda replaced the knife on the table, Shepard slowly lowering his own weapon in response. Straightening Miranda reached across the narrow space separating the two of them and opened her clenched fist. Looking away from her captivating eyes Shepard stared at the fabric she offered him before his eyes wandered up to stare at the expanse of skin revealed in place of the now missing Cerberus emblem.

Smirking Shepard settled back onto the couch placing an outstretched arm along the couch back as he broke the tense silence, "Well, that was dramatic, Miri. You certainly have my attention now…what did you want to tell me?"

Managing to summon a blush at his light teasing Miranda circled the table and settled herself next to Shepard on the couch, leaning against his side in the crook of his extended arm. Looking at him through her bangs Miranda shyly answered, "Assuming the uniform is no longer an issue can I explain the continued reports to Cerberus?"

"Of course, Miri, please do continue." Shepard replied with exaggerated graciousness, laughing at the woman's uncharacteristic hesitation.

"Despite all the salvage we've found on this mission a full half of our funding has come from Cerberus; without those funds we will be insolvent within the week and unable to afford necessary equipment and upgrades. I file reports with Cerberus so that we may continue taking advantage of their resources until such a time as our deception is discovered by the Illusive Man. The geth is no different; it does us no good sitting in hold, destroying it like the quarian wants is a waste, it is too dangerous to be reactivated…but we can get money for it. Cerberus offers by far the highest reward for an intact geth but there are other options as well, such as the Migrant Fleet or the Alliance. If you'd rather send it to one of those choices that's fine, I was simply shopping for the best value."

Gently brushing hair from where it fell across her face Shepard bent his neck to place a kiss on Miranda's forehead, "You're right, Miri. I just…when Jack said…I'm sorry, okay? I just didn't want to leave myself open to betrayal and being abandoned again."

"I understand, John," Miranda whispered softly before her voice adopted a more intense edge, "But now you need to shut up."

Moving to straddle his waist Miranda placed her cool hands on Shepard's scarred face, tilting his head up to look into her warm, brown eyes before crushing her lips to his in a possessive kiss. Grunting with effort around their dueling tongues Shepard leaned forward from his relaxed position his hands sliding around Miranda's thighs. Managing to stand while still holding Miranda against him Shepard was glad when the woman wrapped her legs around him taking some of the strain off his arms.

Walking carefully over to the bed Shepard gently laid Miranda down as he moved to kneel on the bed between her legs. Leaning over her Shepard reached a hand out to her chest lightly tracing the bare skin where the Cerberus symbol had been, causing a shiver to race down Miranda's spine. His fingers wandering, brushing the torn edges of Miranda's uniform as her breathing grew heavier Shepard abruptly grasped the ragged material with both hands and tore the front of Miranda's uniform open to her navel. Running his hands up the expanse of pale skin revealed by her tattered suit Shepard deliberately brushed against the woman's hardened nipples through her bra as his touch wandered to Miranda's neck. Insinuating his hands under what remained of the neckline Shepard eased the constricting fabric from Miranda's shoulders pushing the remnants of the clothing low enough on her arms that she could slide free of the suit's confines.

Stepping back off the bed Shepard undid Miranda's boots pulling them from her feet. Once again taking hold of the suit's newly made opening over Miranda's toned stomach Shepard pulled the Cerberus uniform down as Miranda arched her back, raising her hips off the bed's surface to allow Shepard's to remove the obstructing uniform and silk undergarment. Ridding himself of clothing quickly, with as little ceremony as he had spent on her, Shepard climbed back atop the bed his fingers lightly rubbing Miranda's swollen nether lips as he placed a trail of kisses along the inside of her now bare arm, following the curve of her shoulder and neck until he reached her mouth.

Kissing her deeply Shepard eased forward as Miranda's flesh parted, accepting him into her while they each swallowed the other's groans. With slow, steady movements Shepard drove into the Cerberus agent, their combined heavy breathing the only thing audible to either of them over the pounding of blood in their ears. Lifting her legs Miranda locked them behind Shepard's hips pulling him towards her, demanding unmistakably that he increase his steady pace. Acquiescing to Miranda's desire Shepard sped his movements as Miranda rolled her hips upwards to allow deeper access. Feeling a deep, feral growl echo through the muscled chest pressed against her own, softer chest Miranda's voice raised itself in an answering cry of pleasure as her inner muscles clenched around Shepard driving him past restraint as he began to frantically move against her sweaty, quivering form until he let out a sharp gasp and fell still.

Rolling off of Miranda to lie on his back beside her Shepard turned his head to face her, a soft chuckle escaping his normally grim demeanor, "Don't get me wrong, Miri, I like what you did with your uniform…I just thought further alterations would complete the new look."

Turning her own head to face him Miranda gently pressed a kiss against Shepard's scar torn lips before pulling back, "I agree completely, John. Now that I am out of my uniform, it being in fact beyond repair, do you still think me a Cerberus spy or can you trust me to do what is best for this mission…for you, love."

"You're right, of course, we need the money that geth is worth." Shepard sighed, pulling Miranda back into a kiss as his hands once again began to wander over her smooth skin.

_A powerful ally, easily manipulated, and a quite satisfactory lay…the perfect man._ Miranda reflected, a smile pulling the corners of her mouth up as Shepard's kiss became, once again, insistent.

* * *

"Tali, it's so good to see you. You haven't left engineering for days now; I've missed our 'girl talk'." greeted Kasumi as the quarian entered the port observation room.

"Thank you, Kasumi." Tali responded to the seated thief, concern in the quarian's voice alerting the thief that this was not a social call.

Moving to stand beside the seated kleptomaniac Tali let the silence stretch out as she mentally composed her words, Kasumi patiently waiting for her to continue. "Kasumi, I need help…it's about Shepard."

Her heart sinking as memories of her torture at Shepard's hands broke from the mental barriers she had imprisoned them behind Kasumi could only manage to nod wordlessly for Tali to continue.

Taking a deep breath Tali began relating the troubles she now faced to Kasumi as the thief attempted to conceal her dismay at the thought of once again meddling with Shepard's fragile psyche, "You've heard about Ashley…Chief Williams, right?" seeing Kasumi's give a uncharacteristically curt nod Tali continued, "Well you know that after Horizon she sent a message to Shepard; here I'll forward it to you, it's on my omnitool."

Pulling herself from her state of near panic at being forced to either potentially disobey Shepard or abandon Tali in her time of obvious need Kasumi willed herself to call up her own omnitool and quickly read the note, eyes widening as she realized its importance. Looking back to Tali's mask Kasumi asked in a hushed voice, "I know everyone said Shepard tired to kill himself after getting this message…but now that I've read it I don't understand why he'd do that. Tali, what's going on?"

"No, you're right…the suicide, that was my fault. I thought Ashley's interference would distract Shepard from the mission so when I got this from Ashley I took it to Miranda instead of forwarding it to Shepard."

Hidden behind her hood Kasumi felt the razor's edge she perched upon. Motioning with her hand for Tali to continue Kasumi made her decision to help her friend, knowing there was no going back from this once Shepard found out.

Glad at the opportunity to unburden herself Tali sat down on the couch next to the thief as the quarian continued her story, "Miranda said that to show this to Shepard would hurt the mission so she rewrote it into the message that Shepard almost killed himself over."

"I don't understand...how did Miranda think that would help?"

The regret in Tali's voice was painfully forlorn even through the light garbling of her mask's speaker, "Because I was supposed to replace Ashley. Miranda knew I loved Shepard and said that this was my chance to make him love me back…and I fell for it."

"I see." Kasumi nodded, stomach dropping as she realized the role she had played in isolating Shepard from reminders of his previous life; thereby driving him into Miranda's grasp.

Shaking off that grim thought and reminding herself that Shepard had already been lost when she had confronted him over his burgeoning relationship with the naïve Tali Kasumi forged ahead, reassured that her involvement was for the best despite the likely consequences it held for her personally, "Okay Tali, I understand…but why tell me this now? What's changed?"

"Ashley just sent a second message that says she still loves Shepard in far more absolute terms that the first message did."

"And now you need help deciding what to do with this new message."

"Yes." Tali nodded.

"As I see it there are three choices: tell Shepard now, tell him later, or never tell him at all. All of these options will bear a price; the question is which price will be lowest and what we can do to further lessen the damage." Seeing Tali's impatient body language as she stated the obvious while thinking aloud Kasumi held up a hand to halt the engineer's interruption as she continued, "Telling Shepard now is not an option. As much as I hate to say it, if Miranda wasn't right in her earlier assessment she's right now; telling him this will destroy the mission and probably get people killed. On the other hand, never telling is no good either because Shepard will eventually find out, whether he somehow discovers your deception on his own, or Ashley herself tells him when she finally makes direct contact, or Miranda finds a way to exonerate herself from this situation and places responsibility for it on you alone…Shepard will find out eventually. That leaves only delaying telling him. The logical time to wait until is once the Collectors are destroyed so that at least this won't affect the mission."

Smiling sadly at the distraught quarian Kasumi finished in a soft, sad voice that seemed somehow hopeful, "Besides, we might not even survive the mission in which case this is will all be irrelevant."

"So we just wait? What if this information could help Shepard get better?"

Smiling sadly at the quarian's belief that Shepard could simply 'get better' Kasumi shook her head, "No Tali, this won't make him get better. What we need to do is manage this so that as few people as possible get hurt by this situation."

"If you think so…Ancestors know I've messed this up so badly I'm willing to try someone else's idea. How will this work, Kasumi?"

"I will tell him. I have the skills to pull off such a deception and Shepard already distrusts me…" seeing Tali's head cock questioningly at this statement Kasumi brushed off the other woman's curiosity and continued, "…it doesn't matter why. So he will believe I did this alone meaning only I will suffer for keeping these messages from him."

"What about Miranda? We can't just allow her to continue manipulating him."

"That should be easily taken care off. Hack into Cerberus databases and find some dirt on Miranda that shows she isn't the reformed operative now loyal to him that Shepard believes her to be but is rather the same manipulative, Cerberus agent she's always been."

Worried at the fatalistic tone in Kasumi's voice Tali pressed the thief further about her plan, "What do you think will happen when Shepard finds out? You make it sound like you'll be in danger."

"I expect I will be, Tali. Remember that this…thing…is not the Commander you knew and loved. I expect he will not be forgiving when this news comes to light."

"Isn't that further reason for me to tell him myself? After all, this is my fault and I should bear the consequences." Tali objected.

"No it isn't. If, by some miracle, this manages to get through to Shepard it will be up to Ashley to try and heal the wounds caused by Shepard's resurrection and she will need the help of a familiar, trustworthy friend that also still cares for him. That will be you, Tali."

* * *

"Shit, Shepard…you smell like sex." Jack sneered as Miranda and Shepard entered the Normandy's briefing room.

Having the grace to at least appear embarrassed Shepard shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny of the assembled team before Miranda took charge of the situation, "Very observant, Subject Zero…now, if we could move on to the reason for this meeting?"

Pulling himself together Shepard assumed his command voice, "Thank you Operative Lawson. Okay team, the plan now is to drop by a Cerberus base where we'll deliver the geth and collect the bounty on it…"

His voice faltering after this statement as he saw the disgusted sneer on Jack's face widen Shepard felt an insistent nudge from Miranda's elbow urge him to continue. Steeling himself Shepard averted his eyes from Jack and continued, "After disposing of the geth we'll fly to the Omega Nebula and board the Strontium Mule to recover whatever it is the Blue Suns found in it worthy of their time. Assuming that it's valuable we'll cash in on whatever it is by selling it to Cerberus. With the money from those two operations we will then dock at Omega station and purchase those upgrades we couldn't afford last time we were there. Questions…no? Okay, crew dismissed."

As the specialists quietly exited the room Jack shook her head slowly as she turned to follow the rest of the team out. As she left the briefing room without looking at Shepard Jack left behind a final comment in the room's otherwise silent air, the sheer force of disgust in her voice echoing off the Normandy's metal walls, "Fucking pussy whipped idiot."

* * *

Shoulders slumped in exhaustion and defeat Shepard automatically turned away from the galaxy map towards Kelly's station Shepard his mouth opening to order the yeoman to assemble the crew's specialists in the briefing room. Noticing the empty yeoman's station Shepard's jaw clicked shut as he swept the rest of the deserted CIC shaking his head in resignation. Speaking to the Normandy's omnipresent listener Shepard called out, "EDI, assemble what little is left of the crew in the briefing room."

Entering the briefing room several minutes later Shepard surveyed his assembled squad before speaking, "Okay team, this is it. We either hit the relay now in an attempt to save the crew or we abandon them while building our team for a future strike against the Collectors. Thoughts, anyone?"

"Shepard! You can't just abandon the crew; they trusted you to protect them. We have to save them." Tali exclaimed.

Watching Kasumi and Jacob nodding in agreement with Tali Miranda interjected, determined to counter Tali's opinion, "Don't be so naïve, quarian, there is no guarantee the crew will be alive when we reach them or that we could even accomplish that mission once through the relay. The primary objective has not changed despite the crew's abduction, we must defeat the Reapers. Waiting until our team is as strong as possible before hitting the Omega Four relay gives us the best chance of achieving that paramount objective."

Nodding in agreement with Miranda's words Shepard looked around the circle of operatives, "Anyone else? No…okay, we'll continue building our team. The Normandy itself as well as our weapons and armor still need upgrades if they are to face off against the Collectors. Once I determine our strength equal to the task we will hit the Collectors, and hit them hard; but not before then. The crew's sacrifice, and our likely sacrifice as well, will be meaningless without victory…and I will not accept that. EDI take us to Omega, the rest of you compile lists of required supplies and upgrades. Team, dismissed."

Leaving the briefing room Miranda allowed a smile of satisfaction to cross her face as Project Lazarus seemed to near a successful conclusion. News of this latest success at controlling Shepard would secure Oriana from Cerberus retaliation as per Miranda's agreement with the Illusive Man for undertaking this suicide mission. And, even if the Illusive Man betrayed her and decided to go after Oriana, the only people who knew anything about Oriana's new life, Shepard, Mordin and herself, were aboard the Normandy and heading to their deaths… and the dead are the best keepers of secrets. Eager to file her latest report Miranda headed towards the encrypted terminal in her office.


End file.
